Next to Normal
by Slytherclaw12
Summary: Edward and Jasper have been best friends for years, but Edward's beginning to second-guess his sexuality as well as his entire life. It's possible that Jasper is doing the exact same thing. SLASH. ALL-HUMAN.
1. Mad World

My eyes were the worst color green anyone could ever have.

For the most rare color in the world, mine were strangely unnoticeable. Not once had I ever gotten a compliment. I knew why; because they looked flat and dull and gray, like wet cement after a downpour. My hair was mostly brown, too, so I looked diluted and colorless overall. In the fluorescent lighting that dominated the classrooms in school, they _did_ look green—but there was a tinge of brown that made them look like mud. In that lighting, you could see the coppery red highlights throughout my hair. That and the muddy brown-green clashed horribly, not to mention with my pasty skin.

But in the sunlight…the sunlight brought out this amazing emerald that sometimes even stunned myself. Golden-brown streaks were even visible around the pupil if you looked closely. And the red hair, it didn't clash anymore—it just _went_. My skin had an iridescent, healthy glow.

I could be good-looking if I stayed in the sun all the time. Unfortunately, I lived in the cloudiest damned place on earth.

* * *

I slammed my hands on the keys angrily. I was so frustrated I could hardly take it. Reading music just didn't click with me. I couldn't even play _Mary had a Little Lamb_—how was I supposed to play anything else? Besides, this song was ten times harder.

I groaned and yanked at my hair. I would never make my parents proud. They always said I'd make a wonderful musician someday, but only because my entire family was involved in the performing arts. I was supposed to fill that last remaining blank. Esme was great at the violin, Carlisle was in a fairly popular local band before he went to medical school, and Alice sang and danced and was damn good at it. Me? I'd just begun to teach myself piano. And I was already seventeen.

So much for fulfilling the family legacy.

I felt a sudden urge to tear the sheet music to pieces. It looked so easy, but I didn't know what the hell the notes were and what key to press…and what the hell did those little flats in the beginning mean? I'd considered getting an instructor, but we just didn't have the money between Alice's dance and voice lessons. Not to mention the fact that Carlisle was still in medical school. Esme didn't make heaps of money as an art teacher, either.

I couldn't help but feel disappointed in myself. I knew they were all concealing their disappointment as well…and I needed to get away. Run from their pitying glances whenever they talked about how artsy the Cullens were…_"oh, except for Edward,"_ they'd say a bit sadly. _"He's the odd one out." _Fake laughter.

I knew how to get all this out of my system.

I quickly dialed a phone number I'd dialed thousands of times before, and I waited for him to pick up for what seemed like hours. I tapped a high-pitched key on the piano out of boredom and nerves.

"Hello?"

"Jasper," I said with a sigh of relief. Just hearing his voice was enough to alleviate all the built-up anxiety.

"What is it?" he asked with genuine concern lacing his voice.

After a pregnant pause, I told him that I'd be coming over. No questions were asked, because Jasper knew that I didn't like answering them.

I was well on my way there within two minutes.

* * *

I let myself sink into the couch cushions, closing my eyes for a brief second before falling into a familiar routine of comfortable silence. Well…there was that, and a movie was on. Our routine went uninterrupted, but every so often, I would ask Jazz to pass the chips or adjust the volume. There was strictly no talking otherwise. It was just how we were because Jasper _knew_ when I didn't want to talk. For that, I was grateful.

After ten minutes or so, Jasper began fidgeting. I took this as a sign that he wanted to ask me why the hell I was at his house.

I sighed in defeat. "What?" I grumbled.

He chuckled dryly. "You know me so well." He stretched and tapped his fingernails against the wooden coffee table. I could tell he was pondering, because his brow creased and his lips pursed.

Jasper turned and observed my face carefully. There was a glint of curiosity and even frustration in his cerulean eyes as he appraised my expression. Finally he nodded to himself, appearing pleased with his conclusion.

"It's the piano again."

Honestly, I tried to keep my jaw shut, but it was in vain. In all the twelve years we'd known each other, I still didn't know how he just knew shit like that about me. I impatiently awaited his response.

Jasper closed his eyes and reclined his head back. His all-knowing smirk plastered on his face irked me. "Well, for one, I heard you banging on the keys over the phone."

Wow. I…didn't even remember that.

"And you look, I dunno, like a lost puppy or some shit," he continued. "And that's what you looked like the last time."

Oh God. The _last_ time. I remembered it well: I walked through his front door during dinner and dragged him out to the living room so I could vent about how difficult reading music was. He was right. It was just like last time.

But I huffed indignantly and insisted, "Not really."

"Yes, really."

I didn't answer. He didn't really need to know the petty issues troubling my mind, did he?

"Look," he sighed. "I know you're gonna tell me what happened eventually. Christ, I can feel your aggravation coming off in waves over here. Just spit it out, 'kay?"

I hated it when he was right.

Before I had the slightest inkling of controlling myself, all my insecurities were unabashedly spilling out of my mouth. Jasper listened closely, eyes tightening minimally as he analyzed my words.

"…and I can't even play the fucking melody of _Silent Night_," I finished bitterly.

I exhaled sharply and returned my focus to the television, though I wasn't interested in watching Jurassic Park for the umpteenth time.

"Well, maybe you should give this music thing a rest."

I looked back to Jasper, eyes wide.

"I can't do that. My parents…"

"Your parents don't give a shit if you can play," he argued, hinted frustration seeping through. "It shouldn't matter. It _doesn't_ matter."

A pause filled the air as I realized that he was probably right. He was always right.

"Fine. I'll give it a rest."

He smiled softly and I saw a great deal of tension leave his entire body. Was I irritating him that much?

I raked my fingers through my hair and flopped sideways onto my back, legs still dangling off the couch. I'd accidentally slid forward without realizing, causing my knee to gently touch Jasper's. I didn't think anything of this until he flinched, looking startled. He abruptly jerked his knee away like he was electrocuted.

I peered at him curiously.

"Jazz?"

His face flushed and he refused to meet my eyes. Instead, he turned up the volume on the television and focused too intently on the screen.

With a slump of the shoulders and a reluctance to mull over his strange behavior, I followed suit.

* * *

"Fuck, I am _bored_. And I'll beat the shit outta you if we have to watch _Goodfellas_ one more time."

Jazz snorted. "That was your idea, remember, Eddie?"

"Nope."

"Mhmm."

"Just shut up."

Then Jasper did something I thought I'd never see him do. He picked up his dad's issue of _Sport's Illustrated_ as if he did it every day and started reading. I was nothing short of taken aback.

"The Yankees won the world series," he said slowly.

I nodded. "Yeah, I think everyone's gotten around to hearing that, Jazz."

He looked like he wanted to explain himself, but couldn't. It was possibly the most awkward moment I'd ever had with him. Usually, he was so calm and collected—just two hours ago he was fine! But now he was not himself. Jumpy, maybe even anxious. And he was talking about _sports_. Jazz doesn't care about sports.

"Let's go for a walk," I blurted, needing to break the thick silence. He shrugged.

"Yeah. Let's go to the park or something," he agreed easily. "I sort of wanted to miss that show about the ancient pyramids anyway. If I watch it, that's all you'll hear from me for days." He grinned, and I couldn't help but feel relieved—that sounded like something Jasper the History Buff would say under normal circumstances.

What made this so abnormal?

We were out the door without another word. I vaguely noted that it was already dark outside. Time seemed to escape too quickly when I was spending time with Jazz.

As soon as I got a good view of the park, I wanted to leave immediately. Laurent was leaning against the fence, smoking a cigarette. Trying to look badass and failing miserably.

He grinned and called, "Cullen, c'mere!" I glanced at Jasper to see if it was alright. He shrugged and took a seat on the nearest bench.

I tried to walk as slowly as possible, even though I probably looked like I was limping. I just hated the bastard.

"What's up?" he asked casually. "Cigarette?" He held up the small white box and a lighter.

I wrinkled my nose. "No, thanks. What are you doing here?"

Laurent snorted, an ugly sound that made me want to recoil. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Walking," I said tersely.

He leered at me and hummed thoughtfully.

"What?" I asked, getting aggravated.

He laughed and blew smoke in my face. I suppressed the urge to rip his head off.

"Well," he explained, "it just fits."

I sighed impatiently. "What does?"

"That you'd be with Whitlock. At night."

I stared blankly, wondering what the hell he was getting at, and he huffed. "Night. In the _dark_."

"Still not following."

Somehow, he appeared pleased that I didn't understand, as if expecting me to suddenly put the pieces together.

"Eddie," he warned, "I'd watch out for that kid if I were you."

I crossed my arms and glared. "Why?"

"Dude are you blind?" he asked, astounded. Laurent began laughing again. He choked out, "He's such a fuckin' faggot."

I stood there for a moment, confused. But then it clicked: he called Jasper a _faggot_.

Before I could question whether or not I was overreacting, my knuckled burned as they made contact with Laurent's nose. It was a satisfying burn, especially how I felt the cartilage break underneath my fist. I wanted to kill the asshole, make him suffer from the red fury swirling in my chest.

"Don't fucking call him that," I growled furiously in his face. My left forearm pinned him to the fence and my eyes met his with a barely-concealed promise of a threat.

Laurent's eyes were wide, his jaw was slack, and his fingers gingerly touched his nose. It was bleeding heavily, I observed with morbid gratification.

"Alright, alright," he said immediately in a panicked voice. "Look, I mean, it's just that—"

"Shut the hell up and get out of here," I said in a much calmer voice, though rage was still clawing at my chest. What I really wanted to do was make him hurt worse than he could've hurt Jasper if he'd happened to hear our conversation. Make him hurt worse than he could ever hurt anyone in his life.

He winced and stopped backpedaling, for which I was thankful. I'd just begun to notice how much my hand hurt. I was not running on pure adrenaline anymore, after all.

I snarled a few obscenities for good measure as his short, stubby legs sprinted off. I really liked that I'd scared him. He wasn't much of a threat—at least half a foot shorter than me with a small, awkwardly out-of-proportion build. He relied on his friends to get him in and out of trouble. They were the ones who posed the real threat. But they weren't here and I didn't really fucking care what they'd do next.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts. Alright, so even though it was a complete overreaction, the douchebag deserved it.

Then I heard a strange spluttering noise behind me and remembered that Jasper was still there. He looked like he didn't know whether to punch, interrogate, or congratulate me. I sighed and absently pulled at my hair, not giving two shits that it probably would look worse than before.

And Jasper would have a couple questions. I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer them.

He would surely want to know what possessed me to do such a stupid and reckless thing; I had no response. He'd want to ask me what he said to deserve a broken nose; I wouldn't answer that one, either.

The only reason I knew those things was because I'd known Jasper since kindergarten. I knew him like he didn't know himself. Jesus, sometimes I thought I could read his mind.

I looked tentatively over at him as he shook his head and opened his mouth—a second later, it clamped shut. He started again.

"How—I mean…Edward, what the…why would you—"

"I don't know," I said, cutting him off briskly. I sat beside him and pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. Suddenly, I had a headache and it was excruciating. "He was pissing me off."

"What the fuck did he do?" he asked in strained wonderment.

I offered a small smile, refusing to respond. He thankfully didn't push it.

We walked back home in the dark. I found myself unwillingly wondering if there was any truth to what Laurent had said.


	2. And Here I'd Stay

(A/N): **Hey, guys! Sorry this took kinda long to post...I'll usually try to update once a week :) I hope you enjoy!**

**_I don't own anything Twilight-related. Unfortunately._  
**

* * *

"Dude, let's watch football."

Jazz casually slumped down on my bed and pried the remote from my hands.

I scowled. "I want to watch this."

He snorted. "What the hell's this about? _Ten Ways the World Will End_… Shit, man. That's kinda…morbid, don't ya think?"

"It's interesting," I said stiffly. "And why the fuck do you want to watch _football_, you don't even _like_ football!" I shouted in a burst of frustration. He was being so…different. The old Jasper was easy-going and friendly. And hell, the old Jasper would've loved to know how the world could end.

New Jasper scoffed in a mocking way. A sudden, new wave of unworthiness was being shoved in my direction. I cringed.

"Why is this such a big deal? Are you a fag now or something?" For some reason, he found this hysterical. Deep roars of laughter shook his entire frame until he ran out of breath.

It wasn't funny to me. Didn't he realize how…how…demeaning that was? I wasn't gay. Why would he even think that? Did you have to like football in order to be straight?

"Well, everyone thinks _you_ are," I snarled back, red in the face with anger and humiliation, but the worst of it was the betrayal.

His guffaws abruptly ceased. Jasper took a second to compose himself before answering slowly, "…What?"

"Laurent," I growled. "And you know if he's thinking something, the rest of them are thinking the same thing."

His eyes were wide and almost fearful in appearance, but then I saw them slightly narrow and he nodded. I knew what I'd done—I'd let something slip that I swore I'd keep to myself. Jasper now understood why I'd punched Laurent. I snapped my jaw shut in a pointless effort to wrench back my words. I felt badly for telling him…who knew how he'd respond. What if Laurent was right and I was only making things harder for him?

I looked down at my hands. "Sorry, man," I muttered.

"That's what happened yesterday," he speculated quietly.

I nodded. I couldn't lie, after all, despite the growing urge to tell him otherwise.

Jasper didn't say anything, but his eyes did. It was always his eyes—sometimes they were made of stone, and other times they were a deep pool of unspoken thoughts and secrets.

And it suddenly hit me—I didn't know him. I thought I'd known all of those secrets; I thought I could guess well enough because of my irrational confidence. After all, I'd known him for so long…but in the end, it was just a big flashing arrow pointing in the other direction. There were things he'd never dare tell me.

I wanted him to, though, more than anything else. It was an aching in my bones that wouldn't ease; something I couldn't explain. I just wanted to know every intricate detail about him and his life.

But I still knew him well enough to see what was in his eyes. That wasn't lost to me. They told me that my confession had wounded him. I immediately wanted to make it up to him, but I didn't know how to do that.

"Let's watch football," I suggested gently. He nodded, relieved, and changed the channel. His eyes occasionally wandered from the screen, appearing uninterested, but he mostly kept his focus. All the while, my gaze rarely wavered from his face as I strained to put together the puzzle that was Jasper.

I could read him like a book, but he was still a mystery.

* * *

On Monday at lunch, my suspicions began to actually make logical sense, whereas before, there was no real basis of truth. It was just a…gut feeling, you know? This little voice in my head was telling me, _Laurent might not be such a moron after all_. I mean I still hated him, of course.

You could say I was a bit surprised to see Jasper sitting with Emmett McCarty and all the other jocks. I couldn't remember so much as a conversation between the two of them. But there they were, swapping opinions and statistics and who-the-hell else knows what. I was hesitant to join them, but did so anyway.

I slowly set my books down and cleared my throat. It felt awkward to sit at a table with virtual strangers. I wondered how Jazz felt. Or maybe it felt fine to him?

Emmett didn't acknowledge my presence, but at least Jasper did.

A grin broke out on his face. "Hey, where've you been?"

I smiled, but it felt weak, or maybe just generally off. "Looking for you."

With a shrug, he explained, "Yeah, I'm hangin' out with Em and Tyler today." Then he cast an unsure glance. "You cool with that?"

I nodded, but it felt like a lie.

Emmett decided in that moment to greet me with a punch on the shoulder. I tried not to wince—he was quite strong—but I assumed he caught on, since he chuckled.

"What's up, bro?"

I shrugged, simply because I had nothing better to say in his presence. It was just too weird. He continued as if he hadn't even asked me a question.

"I've just been teaching Whitlock here a few tricks," he said with a cocky grin and pointed at a peppy-looking blonde girl. She might've been Lauren Mallory, but she was too far away to tell.

Jasper listened closely to whatever Emmett was saying in his ear; he hung onto his every word, which made jealousy bubble up inside me. It got worse when he actually winked at the girl. The girl winked back.

I glared as hard as I could. I was trying to convince myself that I'd eventually burn holes on the side of his head and he'd be forced to turn around. It didn't work.

He hit on at least six other girls during the lunch period, making me absolutely sick with frustration and…curiosity. There were just so many _things_ I wanted to know. Why the sudden interest in sports? Where did the rapt fascination in girls come from? Why was he being such a jackass? It aggravated me to no end. Maybe it really bothered him when I told him about Laurent, and that set this whole thing into motion.

But didn't it start even before then? I could've sworn…

I pushed the thought away. I didn't want to think about it, not now. But inevitably, I thought back to the emptiness in his eyes when he was talking to the girls. Even more, I recalled the blush settling on his cheeks when Emmett put his hand on Jasper's shoulder, and the way he watched him walk away until he rounded the corner.

And I couldn't help but wonder why that annoyed me so much.

* * *

"Edward," said Alice with a puff of relief over the phone. "Thank _God_ you called back. I need a ride to dance class. Mom has to stay at work late today."

I groaned and noisily breathed out a mouthful of air. "Damnit, Ali. I'm supposed to stay after for Trig…"

I agreed anyhow. She was too…well, _her_.

Then she said in her best angelic little sister voice, "Sooo…be home by four?"

"Sure," I promised. "Be ready."

I could practically hear her roll her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I know, I'll be ready."

She hung up without a goodbye, which left me feeling strangely incomplete. I hadn't seen Alice in three days. I'd spent all weekend with Jasper and didn't get home until late Sunday night. I missed the damn kid.

My phone buzzed again in my pocket. My heart lurched a little when I thought of the possibility that Jazz could be calling me to find out where I was—I hadn't exactly told him of my plans yet—but it was just Alice again. Instead, my heart sunk. Maybe he didn't care much about where I was; it felt like something pivotal had changed in our friendship recently. It was making me doubt myself.

"Yes?" I answered, a bit impatient to get into my car and just drive.

"Ask Jasper if he wants to come with us," she said in that light, giggly voice she reserved just for dreamy-boy-conversations. I tried not to gag, but agreed, only because I wanted things to feel normal between Jasper and me. Asking him to tag along would be a normal best friend thing, right?

I'd gotten used to her crush on him years ago. Good thing, too, or he might've already been dead. As I was her older brother, I was obligated to protect her from potentially dangerous guys. Like…Jasper? No, probably not, I mused, but it was safer to play on the safe side.

My muscles tensed as I thought of the very real possibility that her feelings could be mutual. My reaction surprised me; sure, I felt the brotherly overprotection again, but I felt oddly miffed in some other way. I didn't want anyone to have him. Or…maybe that was just Edward the Loner talking again, who was jealous of anyone who laid eyes on his friends. I rolled my eyes at myself.

Jasper didn't think it unusual when I told him to ride home with me instead of with Rosalie, his sister. She'd be psyched to be able to drive herself. A quick text to Rose (who materialized out of thin air seconds later with an excited, un-Rosalie-ish squeal) and it was set.

"We need to drop Alice off at her dance studio," I informed Jasper as he slung his bag in the back seat. He shrugged.

The air suddenly turned tense, despite his aloof demeanor. I didn't know what to talk about—this seemed to be becoming a pattern as of late, which I wasn't enthusiastic about. I very suddenly visualized dropping Jasper off at his house with a friendly wave and shaky explanation about how I'd save him time that way—no, that would be rude. And weird.

And besides, it was only the rational, more urgent part of my brain that told me to do it; the part that knew I cared about him far too much. But in the deep, deep recesses of my conscience, which tended to bit a little _ir_rational, told me to keep him there as long as I possibly could.

I went with what didn't make me look like a total douchebag.

Conversation topics floated around in my head while I waited for Alice—who was _not_ ready yet—but none of them seemed right. It felt like our next talk should be important. When a friend's been acting weird, you don't want to just make small talk, right? You should find out what's wrong.

And…bam, there I had it, just like that.

I'd probably regret it for the rest of my life, but the idea tugged at me so that I didn't have much choice in the matter. I was single-minded. I was going to find out once and for—

"I'm _ready!"_ bellowed Alice from the top of the stairs. I huffed and silently walked out to the car, assuming she'd follow. Instead, she shouted my name.

"What?" I yelled back.

"Come up here for a second."

I growled something unintelligible and walked up the stairs.

"What?" I repeated when I stood in front of her, arms crossed. She pulled me into her room and sat down on her bed. It was silent for a minute or so while she looked down at her pink fingernails.

"There's something wrong," she said quietly.

"What is it?" I asked urgently. Alice didn't answer.

"You can tell me," I promised. "I swear I won't tell anyone else."

"No," she objected quickly, snapping her head up to look at me. "I actually…don't know what it is. I just feel like something's, um…off."

I looked at my sister blankly. She laughed humorlessly.

"I know it sounds insane," she admitted.

I nodded. I wasn't going to lie; she was scaring me a little. I asked her what she thought was 'off'.

"I don't _know_," she said again, frustrated with herself. "I can't tell if it's good or bad. Just…not the way things used to be."

"Maybe you're over-thinking it," I suggested. "Do you have a test coming up or something?

Alice sighed and fixed her ponytail, ignoring my question. "Just…be careful, make good choices, hugs not drugs—all that jazz. Now let's go."

* * *

The car ride home was once again filled with thick tension. That could've just been me, but Jasper wasn't saying much, and frankly, neither was I. Nothing to say.

But then I remembered that there was.

I cleared my throat. "Jasper?"

He grunted. I took that as acknowledgement.

"The weirdest thing happened in Starbucks yesterday," I began, but couldn't find the courage to say any more.

Another grunt. I looked over to him and he was staring out the window, looking pensive.

"Jazz." I tapped his shoulder. He looked up with a start and apologized.

"Long day, you know," he explained tensely.

"Sure," I said hastily, "but as I was saying. Something weird happened in Starbucks."

"What happened?" he asked, a little more interested than before.

"Well…"

Oh Jesus, I didn't know where to begin. I scratched my neck nervously. I had a feeling that what I originally planned would have a more adverse effect, so I sorta…eased my way into it.

"I think I got hit on."

He looked at me absently. "And?"

I shifted uncomfortably. "It was a guy." Not that this scenario actually happened. I wondered how obvious my lie was; that it was just a setup to talk about something else.

His eyebrows shot up. Suddenly I felt a surge of fear—what if he got the wrong idea? I was quick to correct myself.

"Well, he was obviously gay," I muttered quickly. "And, I mean, that's cool, but I'm not into that."

I glanced at Jasper in time to see his face flushed. He was looking down at his lap now. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Uh…" I couldn't take the look on his face, suspicious and almost frightened. What if I was right? I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. "But I'm cool with gays," I said reassuringly.

"Why are you _telling_ me this?" Jasper asked again.

"Um…you know."

The silence stretched on. It was unbearable. I wasn't sure how to proceed; what if this didn't help him, but hurt him? What if I was wrong? That would be bad. But I had to try. I'd be a terrible friend if I didn't.

I blurted the first thing that came to mind.

"You're a good guy," I said, the words spilling out in a rush, "and you deserve to be with whoever you want. No matter the gender."

I didn't realize my mistake until long after I'd uttered the sentence. Could that have been any more straightforward? I hissed and smacked my forehead. _Dammit_.

I couldn't help but look at Jasper again, maybe because I was intent on torturing myself, and he looked like he'd been struck with a volt of electricity.

"Are you implying something?" he asked, his voice angry and defensive.

I shook my head forcefully. "No, of course not! Just saying…if you were gay." I chuckled nervously. "But I'm definitely not saying you are. I mean, I'm the type of person who'd stay friends with someone even if they do, y'know, bat for the other team…"

Jasper's face was bright red now, still gaping. I continued rambling like an idiot.

"…and there's nothing to be afraid of, what with coming out and all. If I was gay, I'd be proud of it."

Jasper furrowed his brow. I immediately backtracked.

"I mean, I'm not gay. But if _you_ were…that'd be okay, man."

I took a deep breath. Jazz appeared to be at a loss for words. He stuttered nothing comprehensible for a good while until his color returned to normal.

"Dude…" he grimaced. "I'm not like that."

I was fairly sure I was wearing a similar expression. "Sorry. Just sayin'. Not implying anything, I swear. That guy there just got me thinking too much, as usual, and I thought 'hey, what if one of my friends was gay', which made me think of you, since you're basically my only friend…and…yeah…" my voice trailed off as I fought to snap my mouth shut. I was rambling again.

"Right," he mumbled.

I took that as my cue to shut the hell up.

For the entirety of the drive home after dropping Jasper off, I couldn't stop thinking of how much of an idiotic jackass I was.


	3. Electricity

Jasper sat with Emmett again the next day, but he didn't act like a prick, for which I was thankful. As for him and me…it was as if I'd never said anything in the car the other day. He almost acted normal. But there was something that deeply bothered me—the way he looked at Emmett.

Whenever Emmett leaned in closer to him, Jasper would pay close attention to his face, kind of like he did when he was trying to figure me out. Irrational jealously brewed inside of me; he was supposed to be my best friend. Why was he _admiring_ some stupid jock?

But the worst of it was when Emmett stretched and flexed his muscles. Jazz got this panic-stricken look on his face, but couldn't tear his eyes away. Then he seemed to understand what he was doing and looked away. So did I. This was only feeding my fears that Jasper was gay and hiding it from me. But I didn't want to be convinced because at the same time, I wanted to let him deal with it on his own. See, because I'd realized not too long ago that Jasper best dealt with bad situations by himself. He appreciated advice but rarely took it. He just needed to figure some things out in his own head, and maybe whatever he was going through was one of those things.

As much as I tried to reassure myself, it didn't stop me from worrying.

After school, I got an idea to test his sudden nonchalance and see if it was a bluff. I was almost positive it was, but I wanted to see it with my own eyes before I could put this behind me.

"Hey," I said casually, leaning against the locker next to his. He smiled distractedly—I frowned. Jasper was rarely ever distracted.

"What's wrong?" I asked quietly, hoping he wouldn't get angry at me for asking. He usually wouldn't, but these days he was unpredictable.

He shook his head. "Nothing concerning you."

With that, he slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked away. I pulled at my hair out of frustration. That was it? No explanation? I didn't even get to execute my grand fucking plan—ask him to ride home with me. I know. Genius.

But at least I knew something was up. That made me feel fractionally better, but at the same time, ten times worse knowing I couldn't do anything about it.

I drove home a little too fast to be abiding the traffic laws correctly. I wanted to get home and go to sleep, just so I didn't have to _think_. When I pulled up in the driveway, though, my train of thought shifted. All the lights were off, but Esme's car was there. She never left the lights off; we lived out in the middle of the forest, for Christ's sake. It was always sort of dark, not to mention Forks' nonexistent sunlight in the first place.

"Mom?" I called after shutting the front door.

"In here," I heard from the kitchen. I soon discovered she was eating McDonald's. She _never_ ate fast food, so that was strange, but I was more concerned with the apparent lack of electricity.

"Why are there no lights on?" I asked slowly.

Esme sighed. "Power's out."

"Again?"

"Sorry, sweetie," she whispered. I immediately felt guilty, even though I hadn't done anything to warrant such a feeling.

"I mean…that's all right," I said unevenly. "I guess I'll go take a shower, then. In the dark."

"No water, either," she said in a small voice.

I groaned. That explained why she didn't cook. What the hell could you do without electricity _or_ water?

Esme suddenly perked up a little. "You could stay at Jasper's," she said brightly, but still sounded sad. "I'm sure his mother wouldn't mind."

I agreed, even though I was slightly uncomfortable at the thought of being around him while he was so…I don't know, hot and cold? It was disorienting. It was possible that he didn't want me there.

Despite my anxieties, I picked up the phone and dialed his number. It rang once, twice, three times…four times…and I was getting nervous. He didn't want to talk to me. Five times…oh god, he probably hates—

"Hello?"

I felt a wave of relief roll over me and my lips pulled up into an involuntary smile. "Hey, Jasper."

I couldn't remember why I'd called him—all I knew was that he answered my call. He didn't even sound indifferent or unhappy with me, and even if he was, it would've been more than I expected.

It was getting to be dark, I noticed, so I flicked on the light switch in my bedroom…which reminded me that we _had_ no fucking lights at the moment. Which is why I was calling Jasper.

I noticed that he wasn't saying anything. It was dead silent for another excruciating moment before he spoke.

"So…" he drawled with a nervous chuckle just as I began to explain my situation. Our voices both cut off dramatically.

"You go first," he offered.

I took a deep breath. "Power's out again. No water. I need a shower. Would it be alright if I stayed at your place?"

"Uh…sure," he said slowly. "Come over whenever."

It made me nervous that he sounded so undecided, but I reasoned that I was his best friend. Maybe he'd tell me what was going on.

* * *

Jasper was absolutely refusing to tell me what was going on.

I didn't directly ask, but I gave him plenty of opportunities. I shot him several looks that clearly said, "we should probably fucking talk". But he just avoided it, avoided _me_, really. I thought it was a bit childish.

I cleared my throat from across the room. He opted to sit on the loveseat as soon as I sat on the couch—true, a little more hesitantly due to the fact that our friendship was slightly at odds. So I thought that maybe it was my body language. Maybe he thought I was only over at his house because I had no other options. So I quit trying to approach the situation delicately and took a slightly different route.

"I'm really glad I could come over," I said genuinely, "because I wanted to talk to you."

Jasper stiffened and looked away from me. "I don't think that's necessary."

Jesus, was he intuitive. He'd already known. I realized with a start that this probably gave him more time to strategize.

In a burst of panic, I rushed over to the loveseat as if he could simply disappear. I gripped his forearms tightly. He looked down at the floor, but I could still see his face flush a deep red.

"Jazz," I pleaded, "I'm sorry about accusing you of…well, you know…if that's what this is about. But I feel like whatever you're going through is important and you need to talk about it. I'm your _best_ friend."

My hands on his arms seemed to be bothering him even further, so I removed them and put some more distance between us to accommodate his apparent need to be away from me. For some reason, that rooted a deep ache in my chest and made my fingers twitch, wanting to touch his arms again. I missed the warmth…

"I really hate this," I whispered, nearly inaudible. "You can tell me anything. You know that…don't you?"

I knew he could hear me because his jaw clenched. But he didn't answer.

"I have a date," he said stiffly. "Tonight at eight."

I tensed in shock. Jasper had a date? With who? Who had I ever seen him express interest in? Well, there was Em—

No. I didn't know that for sure. The best thing to do was to just ask him.

"Who is it?"

He hesitated, which made me all the more anxious. He sighed heavily before answering, "Lauren Mallory."

Oh. _Her_.

All of a sudden, I hated Lauren Mallory.

"Well, have fun," I said absently, hoping he wouldn't hear the disgust in my voice like I did.

"Yeah, she's, uh…she's hot."

I blinked and looked away. "Okay."

"What, you don't think so?" he asked, all of a sudden sounding unsure of himself. He did things like that often—ogled women and then checked with the other guys to make sure he was right to do it. A lot of other times, though, he'd settle for taking someone else's cue.

I sighed. "Dude, I just think she's a bitch."

I didn't come upon the realization that I wasn't talking about girls enough until Jazz had already left for his date. I did not want him to think I was gay. The mere thought of it just made me, I don't know…tired. Tired of thinking of homosexuality so much lately. It was so taboo for other guys my age—if we talked about it, it was mockery. Well, I couldn't really say _we_, since I wasn't friends with anyone else besides Jazz.

So I lay down on his bed that night and considered acting a little more, uh…straight. I wasn't gay, I just didn't want people to think that I was. I knew that trying too hard to prove myself would be a dead giveaway (of what, though?). I wasn't trying to prove myself, exactly, just…

Okay, so I had no idea what I was trying to do. The only thing that I did know was that I absolutely had to do it.

* * *

Jasper got back from his date three hours later. I wasn't sure how to interpret that—good or bad? Port Angeles was an hour away, so they'd only spent an hour together. So I settled on bad, which made me morbidly pleased. But of course, I had to ask.

"How was your date?"

He merely grunted.

I huffed. "You could expand on that, you know."

He kicked off his shoes and walked into his bedroom. I followed, assuming he'd let me sleep on his couch (the lucky bastard had a _couch_ in his room) like I usually did. My bed was already made.

Before falling back onto his mattress, he groaned. "I really don't wanna talk about it. Let's just say that it wasn't the best date I've ever been on."

"That's the _only_ date you've ever been on, Jazz."

"Well I'm sure if I'd been on other dates, it would compare horribly."

I chuckled. "Alright, alright. Tell me when we wake up or something."

But when we did wake up, he conveniently forgot what exactly went down and refused to speak of it any further. Instead, he acted if it never happened.

He was so frustrating.

* * *

I'd arrived at Jasper's on a Friday and was still there on Sunday. The truth was, I didn't expect a guilt-inducing phone call from Alice.

"I haven't seen you all weekend," she said.

The worst part was, I thought, that she was trying to act like she didn't miss me. I could easily see through her thin veneer of nonchalance and that rooted a niggling edge of remorse in the back of my head.

"Maybe you and I could go eat dinner somewhere," she suggested brightly. "Without Mom and Dad…because you know how they are. They'll want to pay for it and I've been saving for this."

I sighed, figuring I should just give in. She was persistent in her own way, even though she tried to be subtle.

"Yeah," I agreed, "that sounds good."

I didn't want my little sister spending money on me, but then again, my parents needed to pay the bills and we didn't have much in the way of food at home. Not to mention the fact that having her own money and spending it on other people made Alice feel like she was doing something good. I couldn't say no to that.

"Oh, and ask Jasper if he wants to come," she inquired. I could hear the smile in her voice. "I'll have enough for him, too."

"Ali, if you don't think you—"

"No, no, I have enough," she said quickly, correcting her mistake. "Definitely get Jazz to come along."

I agreed, but couldn't help but flinch.

"Bye, Alice. I'll be there in an hour or so."

A disgruntled Jasper and I sat at a booth at Olive Garden two hours later. Well—no. Actually, Alice sat as close to Jasper as she could without seeming "overeager" while I sat on the other side of the table, forced to watch. It wasn't quite as fun and relaxing as I'd hoped.

Not only because Alice was flirting with my best friend. Over her chatter, I couldn't get in a word in edgewise. Which was strange because she was not usually this…what's the word? _Obnoxious_. Yes, she was acting obnoxious. That was what was strange about this whole scenario.

I remembered her words before Jazz and I left to take her to dance…_something's wrong_…

Maybe there was something going on with her and I was completely oblivious. I felt like a failure of a brother. Why wouldn't she tell me?

"Ali," I started while she was mid-sentence, "can we talk outside for a—"

"_Edward!_ Hi!"

It was not Alice's voice I heard, but someone else's that I did not recognize. Though when I turned around, I did. It was Jessica Stanley. Just as usual, her wildly curly hair was in a high ponytail and she was dressed nice, as far as I could tell. She'd taken the booth across from us.

I smiled politely, not wanting to upset her if I didn't seem too enthusiastic. Not because I didn't like her, but because I didn't like her friends. No, that wasn't true. I didn't like _one_ of her friends. Specifically Lauren Mallory. But how fair was it that my first reaction to her was negative because of someone she hangs out with at school?

"Hey, Jessica."

She grinned and waved me over. "Why don't you come over here so we can talk? Seems like they're kinda preoccupied…"

I looked at Jazz and Alice. Yes, they were preoccupied, engaged in conversation. I gave them one last glare and let them know I'd be sitting with Jessica. Jasper somehow looked upset about this. Alice, I wasn't sure how to explain. She got this panicked look on her face, eyes wide, and shook her head. I rolled my eyes.

As I slid into the booth, I thought of how I wanted to start talking about girls more to make myself look…straight. That thought made me wince, but I didn't think about it much. So…wouldn't talking _to_ girls be even better? I was pretty sure Jessica was nice, if not a little talkative. This could work.

"So how are you?" asked Jessica. "I know we don't talk a lot in school, but I just saw you over there with Jasper and that one girl. You looked bored…" she winced. "So, yeah."

I chuckled. "Yeah, that's my sister."

Jessica blinked. "Really? You look nothing alike."

I shrugged. "Yeah, sometimes I think I'm adopted. I'm nothing like my family."

"Why not?"

"They're all real musical. Not me," I said.

I talked a little more about my family. It was a nice change to talk to someone who didn't know them so well. I didn't know why but it was almost rejuvenating. Since Jasper hadn't been himself lately, I was afraid he didn't want me to talk to him.

But Jessica actually seemed interested. It was nice.

Then I noticed that she was alone. From what I'd observed at school, it was unlike her. She was always with a group of friends.

"Are you waiting for someone?" I asked.

She looked down uncomfortably. "Nah, not anymore. Mike was supposed to meet me here, but he texted me as soon as I pulled in saying he couldn't make it. I figured I might as well get something to eat as long as I'm here."

"Oh. Are you guys…together?"

She snorted. "No. I mean, he's a good guy, but a little flaky, as you might've guessed. And not exactly boyfriend material anyway."

I hummed thoughtfully. Single…

"We should hang out sometime," I declared after another five minutes of easy conversation.

It almost seemed _too_ easy to talk to her—where was the catch? I was waiting to realize that she didn't particularly like me, that I was only being strung along, that I was just a potential rebound guy. But I found no evidence.

Jessica's lips curved into a small smile. "Yeah, I'd like that."

We exchanged numbers and I dragged Alice and Jasper out of the restaurant with a real smile on my face for the first time in months. They had to stop me because Alice hadn't paid the bill yet, but hey, who cares? I had a girl's number. Good enough excuse for me.

But as much as I felt triumphant, I felt guilty about Jessica. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I was just using her.


	4. Behind the Façade

**(A/N): **_Oh my God, guys. I know. Epic update fail. School, holidays, insert excuse here...  
Anyway, sorry about that :/ Won't happen again!_

_OH! And Next to Normal now has a banner...go to my profile to find the link! :)_

_SM owns all Twilight-ness._

* * *

"Edward, I _really_ don't like the idea of you and Jessica," said Alice anxiously when we got home. For the _fifth_ time.

I scowled. "Why not? Give me a logical reason."

She opened her mouth, but then clamped it shut again, probably because she realized that there was no reason at all. We'd been at it for twenty minutes—ever since we dropped Jasper off.

She heaved a sigh and figured that it was over now, so I stepped into the kitchen to fix myself something to eat. I never actually ate much at Olive Garden. I wasn't a super-awesome cook or anything, so I decided Easy Mac would have to do. Just as I was filling the bowl with water, Alice appeared by my side again.

"What?" I asked impatiently. "If you say anything else about Jessica—"

"No," she muttered, "I won't stand in your way. If you want a goddamn girlfriend, you can have one—"

"_Language!"_

"—but I just want you to know that it's all wrong. And you'll regret it."

Alice strode away with a smug, but irritated look on her face while I stood there with a measuring cup in my hand, dumbfounded.

My sister was turning into a teenager.

* * *

Whenever I changed for gym, I'd always look straight ahead at my locker and wouldn't allow my eyes to stray a centimeter. I was subconsciously paranoid about people thinking I was looking at them.

Of course, I didn't realize this until I finally let my eyes wander a little.

And with a slight vision adjustment, I was staring right at Tyler Crowley's ass.

It wasn't like he was actually nude or anything—he was in boxer briefs—but I couldn't tear my focus away from him.

My thought process was something along the lines of this: _Woah. _Nice_. Oh shit, why am I staring? Look away, look away! No, look back…_

I realized this far too late, and Mike Newton looked over Tyler's shoulder and shot me a puzzled look. I didn't give him a response.

I just fucking bolted.

When I stepped out into the hall, there seemed to be more guys than usual. Guys with nice asses. So I made it a point to ogle all the girls I possibly could in the three-minute period before the late bell rang.

Thank God I had History next—that was boring and would render me incapable of thinking anything other than "get me the hell out of here". There was, however, one problem: Jasper was in that class with me. That made me anxious. Not anxious in an entirely bad way, but not in a good way, either.

What if he noticed that something was up with me? I knew him—he'd ask.

I had to admit, I considered skipping class for a split second.

But a couple minutes later, there I was, sitting next to Jazz and tapping my fingernails on the desk to break our routine silence. Might as well get it over with.

He cleared his throat and glanced at my face. His eyes held there for a few moments, but I refused to make eye contact. I didn't know why, I just felt like it would be a bad idea.

"Dude, you look like you just got jumped."

I sighed and folded my arms across my chest, not entirely sure what to do with my hands anymore. Jasper patiently waited for an answer, but I refused to speak up.

"Why won't you talk to me?" he growled under his breath, more to himself than to me.

"Don't be such a hypocrite," I snapped. He swiftly grew silent and there was no more conversation from that point on.

I drove home alone that day, not that I expected anything different. Now I only had TV and food to look forward to, which wasn't much. I _could've_ practiced the piano, but it was fairly obvious that I was severely procrastinating. I hadn't touched the thing in weeks.

Then I remembered Jessica and her number.

I could call her.

She probably thought that I was an asshole. I saw her in the halls between nearly every period, yet I hadn't said hi or anything. But she'd looked at me all day like she _wanted_ me to. So…this was my chance to redeem myself, right?

And after the whole locker room debacle, hanging out with a cute girl sounded like a good plan.

I looked for the little piece of paper with her phone number on it for twenty minutes—I finally found it in my jeans from yesterday, all crumpled up, though still legible. I dialed the number a bit impatiently. Any other time I'd be nervous as hell, but right now, I needed to do this. If I didn't…I wasn't going to think of the consequences. Not now.

"Hello?" sounded a perky, feminine, slightly confused voice on the other line.

"Ah…hey," I said after a second or so. I wasn't actually expecting her to answer for some reason. "What's up?"

"Oh, is this Edward?" she asked, her voice even more chipper now.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Hi!" she greeted me enthusiastically. "I just finished my homework, what about you?"

"Umm…" What _was_ I doing? "Just talking to you," I settled on.

There was a pause.

"We should hang out today," I suggested, feeling a little uncomfortable. What if she was just bullshitting when she agreed that we should hang out?

"Sure," she agreed easily. "Oh, and I know we haven't known each other that long…"

She hesitated. "Yeah?" I urged.

"But I was just wondering if you'd do me a favor. Or at least consider it."

I didn't answer right away, but I figured that if I said no, I'd look like a prick.

"Okay. What is it?"

"I'll…bring it?" she said unevenly.

Bring it? "All right, then."

We ended up deciding that she'd drive over to my house around four-thirty. So I spent my remaining hour in an obsessive-compulsive cleaning frenzy—straightening picture frames and pillow cushions, picking shit up off the floor that most likely didn't belong there, shoving Alice into the kitchen to do dishes (which she never did complete), and lastly, cleaning my room. It was about time that I tackled it, because it was beginning to resemble a black hole.

I was in the middle of deciding whether or not I should vacuum when the doorbell rang.

Guess I wasn't vacuuming.

I ran down the stairs as fast as I could, worried that I would leave Jessica out in the cold too long. Not that it was freezing, but girls always seemed to be complaining about being cold.

First I glanced at the mirror on the wall to make sure my hair wasn't sticking up in every direction. I sighed in exasperation—it was. But there was nothing I could do about that.

Then I opened the door.

It was a little weird, because I wasn't expecting Jessica to bring a pet. But there she was with a gigantic dog, panting happily with his tongue hanging out. She was wearing a nervous and guarded smile.

"Hey, Edward. This is…umm…my dog?"

It confused me, the way she said it as a question, but I smiled back, anyway. It was a small smile, but hopefully conveyed _I'm glad to have you here_ and _I'd like to know why the fuck you brought your dog, but I'm trying to be polite about it._

"Can we maybe take a walk?" she asked me.

"Sure," I agreed slowly. "Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere."

First I considered a pathway in the forest I'd discovered a couple years ago that led to a meadow, but then I realized that if Jessica's damn dog attacked me, there'd be no one around but her…

Okay, that scared me. Looked like we were going to take a walk around the neighborhood.

"That dog's huge," I commented to fill in the silence. "What breed is it?"

"He," she corrected with an irritated glance. "And I'm not really sure. Maybe he's a wolf and I just didn't notice." She chuckled.

"Why'd you bring him?"

She began to look very anxious, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "Um…well…"

I wasn't sure what to make of her odd behavior—couldn't fathom a reason for it.

"Jess, just spit it out," I sighed.

"You don't happen to be a dog person, do you?" she inquired nervously in almost an octave higher than usual.

I blinked. "No…not really. More of a cat person, actually. Why?"

She slowed her footsteps and her dog followed suit. He really _was_ well trained. Jessica looked at the dog and back at me, then again, and it began to look like she was trying to tell me something.

Oh…wait. Oh, God.

"No way!" I shouted. "No way in _hell_ will I—"

"But I'm a cat person, too!" she complained. "Like, Jacob's fine and all—"

"Jacob? You named your dog _Jacob?"_

"Yes, Edward, his name is Jacob, now shut up and listen! I'd really like a cat instead and I think my mom would too if she would only warm up to the idea—"

"_Who_ the hell names their dog _Jacob?"_

"—and I don't want to give him away to the shelter because they might kill him or something! You understand, don't you?"

I pressed on the bridge of my nose tightly. "Jesus, you've got to be kidding me."

She sucked in a swift break of air through clenched teeth. "I'd love you forever if you took him."

Oh, how I wanted to say no. But something tugged at my conscience when I looked at her, all pouty and wide-eyed. It wouldn't kill me to do something nice for a change, I supposed.

Without looking up, I nodded. "Sure. Why the fuck not."

"You promise?" she pressed urgently.

"Yes."

She squealed and threw her arms around my waist. Caught off guard, I stumbled a little, but nonetheless returned the hug…hesitantly.

"You're my new best friend," she declared. I could tell by the way her voice sounded that she was grinning widely.

And I hated that fucking dog already.

* * *

"God, this is _so_ good," Jessica moaned. "Where did you learn to do this?"

I smirked, feeling smug. "Online videos."

"Oh," she said, taking another bite. "Like, I thought you just looked at a recipe."

I snorted. "Nah, I'm not that good a cook."

We were back at my house, watching _Goodfellas _and eating homemade pizza. Finally, someone who liked the movie enough to watch it a thousand times—I inwardly jumped for joy when she pointed to the DVD and request that we watch it.

Alice was sulking in her room, refusing to so much as look at Jessica.

Jacob lay at my feet, feigning sleep. I knew this because every once in a while, I'd see him peek up at me suspiciously. It was probably the food—from what I understood, he liked food, but was too proud to beg. What a strange dog.

After all the pizza was gone, Jessica and I sighed in contentment, reclining with our feet up on the coffee table. Thank God Esme was out tonight. She'd kill us—or at least me.

Jessica scooted over closer so that our legs were touching. It felt a little uncomfortable to sit close like this since I could easily enough guess her intentions, but all in all, it was nice.

"Edward?" she said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I'm really glad I came over today."

I looked down at my lap and smiled. I wasn't sure how to react, other than being insanely pleased that she liked me. I didn't think it was even the fact that _Jessica_ liked me—just that someone did.

"Oh, and sorry for basically forcing you to take my dog," she said as an afterthought.

I chuckled. "Nah, it's okay. My mom will absolutely freak, but Alice'll vouch for me. She likes animals."

"And you don't?" she asked, almost sounding guilty.

I tried to backpedal as successfully as was possible. "Well, I mean, they're alright—Jacob's alright, I mean—"

Jessica laughed and patted my shoulder. "You can stop rambling now. You know, I'm the same way—"

She stopped abruptly, her eyes darting between Jacob and me. Then she gasped.

"What?" I asked urgently, worried that something was wrong.

"You two _match!"_ she squealed, beaming with delight.

My mouth hung open for a moment, trying to understand how the hell a furry mutt and I could match, but then I got it.

"It's only the lighting," I muttered.

She laughed. "No, seriously! Can't you see it? You're both, I dunno…coppery."

"So now you're comparing us to pennies? Nice, Jess, thanks a lot."

"That's not what I meant! Just the color. Which is very nice, by the way."

"Well thanks," I laughed.

A comfortable silence blanketed over us after that. We turned our attention back to the movie, occasionally exchanging opinions or speculations.

Halfway through, her head ended up resting on my shoulder. I looked down, half-expecting her to make another move which secretly terrified me to death, but she was fast asleep. I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled softly. She looked kind of adorable. It startled me that I'd thought something so endearing—but I calmed myself once I realized that my thoughts were completely platonic.

I was _not_ ready to take that next step. I wasn't sure if I ever would be. With Jessica, anyway.

But it was nice to think that it was a possibility. Somewhere deep inside me, I realized this would be good. I'd finally prove myself. And Jess was a great friend, which was a plus.

I felt bad about it, but I had to wake her around eleven. It was a school night, after all. Before she left, she hugged me and pressed her lips to my cheek. I couldn't really do anything else but dazedly stare at her. She took it the wrong way and grinned widely, darting outside to her car.

Whatever this was, I knew it wasn't right.

* * *

Jasper wasn't in school the next day. I texted him during first period to demand where he was, but he didn't give me any details besides telling me that he was sick. That worried me, even though I knew he had a great immune system and it'd pass in no time. I told him that I'd stop by after school, but he adamantly refused, insisting that it was really catchy. That did nothing other than make me worry even more.

His absence made my day torture, even if things had been strained between us lately. Especially lunch. I sat with Emmett and Tyler like he had taken to doing, but conversation was too forced for me to be comfortable with. If you also considered that I apparently found Tyler attractive, it wasn't the best place to be sitting.

I ended up moving to our old table and eating alone.

I suppose that I made a good choice, because Lauren was in the middle of a very interesting story. I couldn't help but eavesdrop once I heard Jasper's name.

"…so then I kissed him after that, but he was all awkward about it," said Lauren.

I felt a little hurt. Why wouldn't he tell me about his first kiss?

"It was like he didn't know how," she continued. "Then he apologized and ran away."

"Maybe he's just not interested," sighed Victoria, sounding bored. "Not _every_ guy wants to get into your pants, you know."

James snorted and pulled Victoria into his lap. "I beg to differ. Every straight guy wants to get into your pants, Lauren." He looked her straight in the eye and arched his eyebrows meaningfully. "_Every_ straight guy."

Victoria scowled and smacked his shoulder. He ignored her.

"Are you saying that you think Jasper's gay?" asked Jessica, head tilted in curiosity. "No way."

"My gaydar says otherwise," muttered Lauren. Everyone chuckled.

So Laurent and I were most definitely not the only ones. I should've been pissed, stomping over there to defend my best friend, but how would that make me look? Besides, as shameful as it was, I wanted to hear more.

Before their laughter subsided, the bell rang. I decided that was enough eavesdropping for the day, anyhow, and vowed that I wouldn't breathe a word of their conversation to Jasper. I couldn't make that mistake again and screw up our friendship.

Not that our friendship wasn't _already_ screwed up.


	5. Climbing Uphill

**(A/N:)** _*Sigh* I love these crazy kids.  
Oh, and I just posted a new story called_**_ The Light in the Piazza_**!!_ I'm really excited about it. Anyway, I hope you don't think it's jackassy that I'm pimping out my other fic...lol :/ It's not slash, it's canon pairings and kinda supernatural, but all-human. I'd really appreciate it if you at least skimmed through it.  
Anyway! Back to this story. Hehe._

* * *

I missed Jasper.

I missed how easy it was to talk to him for hours and not realize nor care how much time had gone by. I missed how he'd interrogate me when he knew something was wrong, and how he'd always get the answer out of me. When he finally figured it out, he didn't just say, "oh, I'm really sorry about that," or "sucks to be you." He helped me through whatever the crisis may be, came up with possible solutions and ways to get it off my mind.

I missed the way he looked at me…as if I was the only person that mattered in the world whenever I would show up on his doorstep.

Jessica really was a great friend. But there were no built-up levels of trust, no engaging conversations. It felt like I was an actor reading a poorly written script, but I wasn't getting paid for doing the movie. It was like stepping into a swimming pool after months of a frigid winter—you had to ease yourself into it, but for what? What was it all worth in the end? A good…uh…swim?

_All right, so maybe I'm getting carried away with the analogies. _

The point was that I wasn't going to let Jasper slip from my grasp. I needed to find out why he was so distant, and I intended to do a thorough job of it.

Okay, well maybe I already knew why. I just needed confirmation.

I found myself dialing his number like I'd done so many times before with ease—but now it was absolutely nerve-wracking. I didn't know what to expect. Would I be bothering him? He was sick, after all. Or maybe he'd be glad to hear from me. I desperately hoped for the latter.

His answering machine picked up. I cursed in aggravation and called again. After ringing three times, it was his voice on the other line.

"What is it, Edward?" he sighed. He didn't sound annoyed, but maybe a bit exasperated. He was always like that when someone called him twice in a row. Despite myself, I smiled softly.

"Hey, Jazz. How you doing?"

"Fine."

"Listen, I know you said not to come over, but—"

"No, no, that's fine," he said quickly. "Come right over. I, uh…shouldn't be contagious anymore. And I'm bored."

I grinned, elated that he wanted me to visit him. "Do you want me to bring anything?"

"Beer," he said immediately, and I snorted.

"Not a chance." I hung up the phone.

Before I left, I stepped into the kitchen.

"Dad?"

"Hey, Edward," muttered Carlisle. He was scribbling feverishly on a piece of paper.

"What are you doing?" I asked curiously. Whenever he did homework, he'd do it up in his room.

"Filling out a form. If we get chosen for this, then we'll basically be paid to watch TV."

My eyes widened. "Whoa. Seriously?"

Carlisle tapped his fingers on the table. "It's for ratings. They just want to see what television shows are viewed the most."

"Oh." That didn't sound as exciting, but if we were paid, to hell with excitement. "That sounds cool."

"Well, we do need the money. Now that we have that damn dog to take care of…"

Jacob whined unhappily from behind the sliding-glass door that led to our backyard. With a frustrated eye-roll, I let him in. When he saw me, he growled quietly and sat by Carlisle's feet, who scratched him on the head fondly. _Someone_ was growing attached already, I mused. And it most definitely was not me.

With another look at the form, I visibly flinched with guilt. I hated hearing about our financial troubles. It made me nervous (and now guilty because of Jacob) and I didn't need to be on edge any more than I already was.

So I told Carlisle where I'd be, and twenty minutes later I was ringing Jasper's doorbell. He opened the door and grinned.

"Where the fuck's my beer, you douche?"

"I'll show you the beer if you show me the crack."

He chuckled and tugged me inside.

Jasper didn't actually want me to bring beer—it was just a long-running joke between us. We'd always tell our parents that when we hung out, I provided the alcohol and he purchased the crack that he hid underneath a loose floorboard in his bedroom.

They knew we were only kidding, of course…I mean, I hoped.

"You look better," I observed as I slipped off my shoes. "Not that I know what you looked like before, but at least you don't look sick."

His laugh sounded off, almost nervous, but I disregarded it. I read into things too much these days.

"Yeah, I guess." Almost immediately following that comment, he asked me, "Did Lauren say anything about me?"

I fidgeted and didn't say anything for a long while—well, I was sure it wasn't literally a long while, but it felt like it, considering what I knew. Eventually, I replied.

"No."

He exhaled noisily and slumped against the wall next to the front door. "Good."

"Why?" I asked with curiosity, and truthfully amazed that I wasn't completely transparent. "Did she threaten you or something?"

"No, no reason. I was just wondering. You know, huge fucking blabbermouth."

I chuckled a little mysteriously and made my way to his room. Wasn't that the truth.

"So what'd I miss?" he asked as he sat on the foot of his bed. I felt a little strange just hovering there in the middle of the room, so I took a seat on the couch.

"Nothing exciting."

"Well, what the hell happened with the Stanley chick? Didn't you guys have some sorta _date_? I never actually asked you about that."

The way he said _date_ with distaste made me wonder how he felt about my friendship with Jessica, and now I had reasons to consider why he never asked me about her. I'd just thought he was too caught up in himself to care.

"I have a dog now," I told him dryly.

His brow creased and he looked at me with this confused expression I found sort of endearing. "And how did that slip past _me?_ What the hell, man?"

"His name is Jacob and I hate his fucking guts. Thanks for asking."

He chuckled and punched me in the shoulder. Hard. _Ouch_. "Dude, shut up, I'm just trying to understand when this all happened. And I thought your parents hated dogs?"

"Yeah, apparently Alice doesn't. You know that look with the puppy eyes that only little girls can pull off? That got them. And now I owe her because she acted like it was all her idea."

"But I still don't get it," he muttered. "A thirteen-year-old girl can't just waltz into a pet store and say, 'hey, gimme that dog, I have cash.' And they can't be all like, 'sure, have a nice day.' I mean, don't you have to be at least eighteen? _Jeez_."

My face was red from trying to keep the laughter in. Finally it burst out, shaking my entire frame, and he scowled. Eventually he joined in, because laughter was infectious between us. And Jasper was so…I don't even know what. Especially when he went on all those pointless little rants that he always seemed so serious about. It was just about the only time he talked a lot.

I shook my head and filled him in on how Jessica had guilt-tripped me into taking Jacob. It only caused more laughing, and after an hour, I was having trouble breathing correctly.

After we'd settled down, I was filled with ridiculous nostalgia, remembering how it used to be like this every day.

"I miss this," I said more to myself than Jasper.

He responded, anyway. "Me too." It was just barely above a whisper, but so fervent that it seemed a lot louder.

And I was filled to the limit with mushy-dramatic-girly moments, so I recommended that we watch the Discovery Channel and learn some more about the fucking ancient pyramids he was so interested in.

But instead of watching the TV show, I watched Jasper's face. It was fascinating to see the way his eyes were fixated on the screen, wide in rapt engagement. I could see the way he wished he was seeing everything on that screen in person. I used to try to mimic his passion while I watched Carlisle and Esme play their instruments to act like I wanted the same kind of talent they had, but it wasn't something you could recreate on a guilt-induced whim.

Afterwards, Jasper wanted to know more about Jessica and our "relationship". If one could call it that.

"She's cool," I merely said, wanting to not think about her for just another day.

"Cooler than me?" he asked with a curved eyebrow. I detected a hard edge to both his expression and words, which got me wondering again if he had any issues with her.

I rolled my eyes. "Nah, not _that_ cool."

That seemed to reassure him. Neither of us brought up Jessica again.

* * *

"I gotta say," mused Jasper through a mouthful of potato chips, "I'm surprised that Lauren didn't say anything. That you heard, at least."

I stiffened, but forced myself to relax. If there was any other way Jasper could smell a lie, it was through nerves, or any other sort of unnatural emotion that went with telling the truth. Sometimes he was too empathetic to be comfortable with.

"But why?" I demanded to get the attention off myself—as well as being curious. "I don't understand why you'd think that."

He grimaced. "Our…date didn't go too well."

"Did you kiss her?" I asked a little too quickly.

He sighed. "Yeah. I mean, sort of."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me!" I fumed. "I would've told you if I kissed Jessica—"

"Well maybe I wouldn't even want to know!" he shouted. "Go ahead and fuck her for all I care, just _don't tell me about it_ because I don't want any fucking details about the girl you're using to replace _me_."

Jasper was on his feet now, his hands curled into fists, raging silently.

The outburst left me speechless and wide-eyed.

He slowly brought his hand up to rake his fingers through his hair, and he sat back down.

"Sorry," he muttered.

I stuttered incomprehensibly before I gathered my thoughts.

"You think I want to replace you?" I asked in a hushed voice. "How could you _ever_ think that?"

He only shook his head. "Never mind. I just…" He barked out a humorless laugh. "I didn't know what I was talking about."

"Right," I said, in a bit of a shocked daze.

We sat in this kind of uneasy stillness until I cleared my throat.

I thought I'd have to be the one to break the silence, but Jasper dryly declared, "You were lying about Lauren."

_Shit._

"No," I insisted, too quick and defensive.

Jasper gave me a skeptical look. "Listen, whatever she said, I can take it." With a stony expression, he waited on my explanation.

I inhaled and exhaled slowly. "She just said you kissed her and ran away." I fought to keep my face neutral, but even though it was better to lie, I still felt guilty. It didn't show, but he could _feel_ it.

He didn't even say anything before I was forced to continue. "And," I added reluctantly, "she thinks…she thinks you're…" I struggled with the right words before realizing they'd never come. So I simply blurted, "She thinks you're gay."

Jasper broke out into slightly hysterical laughter. I would have noticed this in the first place, but what especially concerned me was the way his hands shook.

"That's funny," he choked out. "Me. _Gay_. Right, Edward?"

I cleared my throat and shifted uncomfortably. "Sure."

His face fell, noticing at once how I didn't believe him. At first he opened his mouth, but it clamped shut. I got the feeling he wasn't going to discuss it any further.

But we'd made progress—at least there was that.

* * *

Our friendship was teetering on a hesitant ledge—sometimes I thought we were back to the way it all used to be, and then Jasper would give me a look…and I'd know that I was imagining things. It wasn't even obvious. If I didn't know him so well, I probably couldn't have detected it.

When I left his house the other night, everything seemed to be going well, except for the fact that Jasper was acting really paranoid and jumpy after we talked about Lauren. I asked him if there was anything wrong.

"No," he'd replied, then glanced at the clock. "It's getting late…"

And there had been a minute hardening of the eyes that suggested that he wanted me out and _out now_. But I was sure it wasn't personal, because if it was, then I'd probably know one way or another.

All this was just so damn confusing—I hated the fact that he wouldn't talk to me. That's all I ever worried about.

Well, him and Jessica.

My head snapped up and I stopped staring into space as my cell phone started ringing. My heart gave an excited little leap as I thought that maybe it was Jasper, but of course it wasn't.

Guess who.

"Hello?" I droned into the phone, even though I should've been more polite.

"Edward?"

Jessica's voice sounded thicker than usual, and there was sniffling. Did she have a cold? But it sounded like she was hyperventilating a little bit, too, and—

….Oh. That was crying.

"Are you okay?" I asked, a little more than panicking.

"Can you come over?" she said, her voice trembling. "I need…someone to…_please_ just hurry."

"Oh…okay," I said immediately, grabbing my car keys and absolutely dreading this. Nothing scared me more than a crying girl.

I didn't have to ask for her address. Everyone knew where everyone lived in Forks. Maybe that was a good thing, because I truthfully could not coax out a coherent sentence after that.

And when I pulled into her driveway five minutes later, I didn't even have to knock or anything—there she was, running at me full-speed down her driveway. I gaped a little as she came charging, expecting her to tell me I did something wrong, but she hugged me. Almost like she did on Monday, but now she was sobbing into my shoulder.

I returned the hug fiercely, only because I knew she needed it.

"What happened?" I asked her gently.

She calmed down a little and lifted her head up. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, tears streaking her cheeks. It was surreal. Jessica was usually such a happy person.

She looked like she wanted to tell me what happened, but her lip trembled. After deeply inhaling and exhaling, she told me in a hoarse whisper, "My dad…he—he's…" She didn't seem to be able to go on. Her face crumbled in the most heartbreaking way. "He's gone."

"Gone?" I whispered, more to myself than her because I didn't want to upset her.

"He left…" she managed to choke through her tears, then she buried her face in my chest again.

I had no fucking idea what to do, so I held her for a little while. And this—whatever _this_ was—it wasn't bad. It wasn't wrong. It was only friendship, and we weren't going any further than that. I let myself relax when I finally realized that.

Until she kissed me.

It was weird, the way it happened. She was crying a lot…then she looked at me and her eyes went all soft and her lips parted ever so slightly—and she was on her tiptoes, her lips against mine. It was all wrong. She was too small, too soft.

I would've dodged her or something, but I was just too shocked and…guilty. Rejecting her would've been a shitty thing to do, considering the day she'd been having.

She pulled back and looked at me with worrying eyes. "What's wrong?"

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I tried again. "Ah…I…don't know?"

Jessica groaned and leaned her back against my car door. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so humiliated."

"Don't be," I sighed. "It's not you, it's me."

A second later, I laughed, realizing what I had just said. So did Jessica, to my surprise.

"I can't believe you just said that! The funny thing is…I _believe_ you," she said, looking perplexed.

I chuckled. "Trust me, it's not a lie."

It was quiet for a little while, which was rare in Jessica's presence. I chalked it up to her dad's disappearance, feeling another wave of sympathy.

"Jessica, I'm so sorry."

She nodded solemnly. "Thanks for being here. I just…I needed someone with me, but I didn't want anyone to find out. I figured you'd be best for that." She gave me a small smile. "You're a good friend."

"I won't tell anyone," I promised. "Not even Jasper."

She nodded again, chewing on her lip. "Hey, Edward?" she asked suddenly. "Don't be offended when I ask you this," she said warningly.

I stiffened, sensing the question. I didn't know how, but I knew exactly what she would say. For reasons unknown, I stood there rooted to the ground.

"Are you interested in Lauren? Because you were looking at her kinda weird in lunch…if that's why you don't want to kiss me, let me just tell you she's a slut. She gave like three guys—"

After a huge breath of relief, I laughed. "God, no. I just heard her talking about Jazz and their date."

"Oh." She looked a little guilty. "They think he's gay."

"I know."

She hesitated before asking, "Is he?"

"No," I said quickly.

If I told her I suspected it, she might take that as a yes and unintentionally confirm the rumor. Because Jessica didn't mean to gossip, and I knew that. It was simply because she had too many friends and too much to tell them about.

What a life.


	6. Fire

**(A/N:)**_ I'm surprised that I'm posting this so early. Haha. But I guess it's because I'm excited to get to the next chapter:) _

* * *

Alice was not herself.

She was spending too much time in her room, had countless missed calls on her phone from friends that she appeared to be ignoring, and she wasn't telling me a damned thing about it.

I decided I'd have to try again.

I knocked on her door tentatively and called out, "Ali? Can I come in?"

She grunted in response, which was so un-Alice-like, it scared me a bit. I opened the door and took in a sharp breath. She was lying back on her three thousand decorative pillows, watching some whiny rock band playing on MTV. That wasn't what shocked me.

"What the hell did you do your hair?"

Alice shrugged. "Dyed it."

"Why would you do that?"

"It goes well with my complexion."

I frowned deeply. "You're too pale to have black hair. It makes you look like a corpse."

She scoffed indignantly and stood up to face me. It was comical, how she nearly stood on her tiptoes and puffed out her chest to appear bigger and stronger. She was still half my size.

"So I _have_ to be a ginger kid? And it's not black, it's dark brown."

I rolled my eyes. "You're hardly a ginger kid. And you're not even really a redhead. It's more…auburn."

"Not anymore," she said in a hard, definite tone. "I like it this way."

I just looked at her face for a moment to try to get used to the hair. I finally noticed it was not only colored, but cut. Her hair had always been fairly short, but now it was even shorter with layers.

"Did you do this by yourself?"

"No," she admitted. "I had Jessica's mom do it—she used to be a hairdresser, you know."

My jaw dropped the tiniest bit and I had to repeat her sentence in my mind once again.

"Jessica?" I asked, skeptic. "I thought you hated her."

She rolled her eyes and smiled a little. "I don't hate her. She seems nice. But…"

"But what?"

"I know things," she said, eyes guarded.

"What do you mean?"

"I wasn't there to get my hair done," she said, abruptly changing the subject.

I scowled. "Alice, you're making no sense. This conversation is all over the place."

She huffed, throwing her tiny arms up in exasperation. "I would explain if you would stop interrupting!"

"Fine." I didn't say a word.

"As I was saying," she continued, a little miffed now, "I went over to her house to tell her to back off."

It took me a moment to register just what she'd meant.

"What the _hell?"_ I protested angrily.

She stomped her foot, which would've made me laugh under different circumstances. "You two aren't right together and I know it!"

I pressed the heel of my palm into my forehead and groaned. "You seriously need to stop interfering—"

"But I _know_ things," she repeated, her eyes frustrated and insistent.

"And I don't know what you're talking about!" I retorted, having had enough of her ridiculous behavior. I took several deep breaths. "Look," I sighed, "just tell me what you were going to tell me."

She nodded slowly and sat at the foot of her bed. "I went over to her house. She wasn't there. Her mom was bored and offered to do my hair for free. No, she basically forced me into it—said it looked dreadful." Alice snorted. "Like I didn't know that…and I think she needed a distraction, too. You know, with her husband gone and all."

I felt bad for Jessica's mom, but I felt more worried about my sister.

"So that's it? No explanation for the sudden desire for super-dark hair?"

She fidgeted a little. "No."

I observed her carefully for a moment longer, deciding it might be one of those phases girls go through, and I left her alone.

And I didn't even realize I hadn't found out a thing until the next morning. Damnit. What was _with_ that girl these days? Claiming she "knew" things when she really was only taking a stab in the dark, at best. She was trying to control situations that she had nothing to do with—why, why, why did she always insist on solving other people's problems? It drove me insane.

Well if I was being honest with myself, it concerned me more than it irked me. She was my baby sister. Did I need a better reason?

* * *

I wasn't positive how this had all happened.

True, I knew I was staring into the impassive face of my best friend across his kitchen table. But I didn't know when he began to look so desolate and empty. Maybe it was around the time he called, beside himself and begging me to ditch school with him. Or maybe it was between the time in which I forced an explanation out of him and sped off to his house. He didn't actually explain, of course. If he did, the earth probably would've spun right off its axis. Like he'd actually allow himself to clear the air.

Yeah, that's probably when it happened. The explaining part. He just clammed up after that, like he was afraid of the truth. Or maybe he was afraid of me.

So now I was waiting for some warmth to grace his features, for his clear blue eyes to stop withholding emotion that was clearly building up inside him. But he just fucking stared into space and it was successfully worrying and puzzling me at the same time.

After an hour of heavy, murky silence, I put my foot down.

"Tell me what's wrong," I demanded in a firm voice.

His eyes flickered to mine, but only for a second. I raked my fingers through my hair and sighed deeply.

"Okay," I said evenly. "Don't tell me anything. I'll just walk out the door now and never ask you about it again."

He saw right through my bluff, I could tell. Not even a damned flicker.

So reverse psychology wouldn't work. It was just a last-ditch effort, anyway.

I sighed again. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't give up—I couldn't fathom the _idea_ of giving up on him. I was growing desperate.

"Jasper," I confided to my fingernails because I couldn't look at his face anymore. "You're killing me," I said helplessly. "I didn't even get two fucking hours of sleep last night because I couldn't stop worrying—about you, that is—and Alice is going all crazy, which doesn't help, and Jessica _kissed_ me yesterday—"

Of all the things that could've grabbed his attention, that did it. He looked angry. At first I didn't even question it because I was so relieved he was feeling something. But then I understood that I should probably be concerned.

"She kissed you?" he growled, slamming his fist on the table. "Un-fucking-believable. You're so gullible, Edward, you think she genuinely likes you? She just wants to fuck you! It's so obvious, she's always checking you out and—"

"I didn't kiss her back," I protested, getting a little irate myself. I was not gullible. "And of course she actually likes me. We're still friends even though I shot her down like an asshole. Her father _left_, Jasper, do you know how much of a prick I felt like?"

"I don't give a _fuck_ about that Stanley bitch!" he snarled, eyes furious and blazing.

He didn't mean that.

I closed my eyes and forced myself to relax. As long as I did so, it'd eventually have some effect on Jasper. When I looked at him again, he was looking at me with some sort of acute pain I couldn't place. Even though I didn't know what it meant, it was crippling all the same. I wanted it gone.

But I had no idea how, and it hurt too much to look at him, so I stood up, fully intent on pacing this kitchen until I came up with a solution.

However, Jasper shot up with alarmed eyes and asked, "Where are you going?"

I looked over at him again, processing his shock. Where _would_ I go? "Nowhere."

"Oh." He visibly relaxed, but anyhow, the pain slowly worked its way back into his expression.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm gonna go outside for a sec," I muttered and dashed out the door.

The sky was cloudy and it was beginning to drizzle. All I had on was a t-shirt since I'd come here in such a mad rush. First it bothered me, but then I realized that the cool air and raindrops felt soothing on my skin. I hadn't noticed it was so flushed inside.

Instead of pacing in the kitchen, I paced down his driveway. Strangely, it helped. It was as if walking could control the speed at which my thoughts flew by.

_One footstep…_ Jasper is completely deteriorating and I can't do anything about it.

_Two…_ He doesn't trust me anymore. And it hurts.

_Three…_ I think I know what he's hiding from me, but I don't want to think about it.

_Four…_ _Why_ don't I want to think about it? Is it possible that I could be…? No. That day in the locker room was just a comparison thing.

_Five…_ Fuck, it's pouring out. I need to get inside. Is that Jasper in the window?

I sprinted back inside before I got completely soaked—not that I already wasn't.

Jasper was right in front of the doorway when I walked back inside, and he had this softly concerned look on his face that confused me a little. I wanted to wait and see what he had to say, so I stayed as still as I could.

Finally he said, "You're gonna get sick, Edward."

"I wasn't out there long."

"Forty-five minutes is long compared to a second."

"Oh," I breathed out regretfully. I hadn't realized. "Sorry."

He stepped forward. I did too, because the heat seemed to radiate off his body, which made me aware of how cold I actually had been before. We were only a few inches apart when he casted his eyes downward toward the ground and sighed.

"You need to change," he said, backing up a little. "I have clothes you can borrow."

He spent over five minutes searching through his closet and dresser to find a particular sweater. He said it was just warm, that was all. He finally found it and smiled, handing it over and looking proud. It was a grey-green color and indeed looked warm, but I didn't understand why it was mandatory for me to wear this one. After that, he tossed a pair of half-folded black sweats over his shoulder and left the room. Maybe he figured it wouldn't kill me to wear something comfortable for the day, since I wasn't attending school.

As I changed, I thought of a new strategy. I hadn't gotten anything out of him, except that he really didn't like the idea of Jessica and me dating. Honestly, neither did I, but not to that degree.

I needed to understand, get inside his mind—that was all. If he was hiding something, I needed to know. If I didn't…I'd be incomplete somehow.

When I came back downstairs, he wasn't in the kitchen. I eventually spotted him in the living room, sitting on the couch with that same devoid look on his face.

I sat beside him. "Jasper?"

I had to tread lightly—otherwise it would all be over. I didn't have it in me to see him break down like that again. So before I took another shot at interrogating him, I thought of ways to maybe comfort or soothe him. I almost absentmindedly shifted so we were face-to-face and rested my hand on his shoulder. With wonder, I observed my fingers splayed across the expanse of it. He really was warm.

He inhaled unevenly, which didn't seem to be a god sign. Was he on the verge of another breakdown?

"Yeah?" he whispered.

"We used to tell each other _everything_." I swallowed thickly as I squeezed his shoulder and hoped for a response.

He didn't say anything for a long time—such a long time that I considered driving home. But he finally said in an unsteady voice, "I know."

"Why not anymore?"

I waited for him to speak again, and I was on tenterhooks. When he did, my heart jumped in my chest.

"I don't want you to hate me."

"I'd never hate you," I disagreed immediately.

Jasper paused, almost like he was considering it, but he slumped back, looking defeated.

"I know. That's what you _think_. You just don't understand yet…"

His voice trailed off as his eyes lost focus again, mind elsewhere as it had been nearly all day. It was discouraging, but I refused to leave until I had some answers.

"Understand what?" I asked, leaning closer to him. Our arms pressed together and a little spark shot through my body. It left as soon as it had came, though, and now I was simply content.

And for the first time in years, I saw Jasper's eyes shine with moisture. With tears. Oh no. Oh, God.

He pushed me away as his face began to turn red, screwed up in concentration, I imagined, to stop the tears. His hands covered his face and all I heard was a quiet sob. So quiet, it sounded more like a sharp exhale.

I wasn't breathing and my heart was beating wildly in my chest. I made Jasper cry. My best friend. The most important person in my life next to family. And Jasper _never_ cried. Honestly, I'd thought of him as invincible up until now.

I was a horrible friend.

"They're right," he said hoarsely. "Lauren…everyone at school…and you…"

He turned to me and dropped his hands to his lap. His eyes were red-rimmed, wide, and terrified. I understood exactly why, but I still had to ask. There was a tiny sliver of chance that I could be wrong. I needed to hear him say it out loud.

"What are they right about?"

As soon as his eyes began glistening with tears again, he squeezed them shut. He was trembling so much I could feel the vibrations from half a foot away. His face, which always used to be so serene, was ashen and tight with stress.

"I'm gay," he admitted, barely above a whisper. His voice was unbalanced and hardly recognizable.

I could've sworn he stopped breathing. Maybe I did, too. It was admittedly a shock to hear the words coming out of his mouth, but it wasn't new information. I took a moment to compose myself. Jasper needed me now.

"Hey," I said softly. "Open your eyes."

He complied and peeked over at me with hesitance and disbelief. I gave him a sad, gentle smile.

"I already knew. And I still don't hate you."

He blew out a big gust of air and let his head fall back, but he was still shaking a little. "I understand if you feel awkward now, though. It's alright, it was expected."

I narrowed my eyes. "You think I'm that much of an ass?" I breathed out a laugh and just to prove my point, I threw my arms around him. Jasper turned rigid, but eventually relaxed into the gesture.

"I needed a hug," he whispered vaguely.

"So did I."

We both chucked. I was reluctant to release him, but did so anyway because things really were beginning to feel awkward. It wasn't him—it was me and my insecurities. It scared me that I was beginning to notice things about Jasper that I'd never noticed before. Like how his smooth back felt underneath my palms and fingertips, how good it felt when our chests pressed together.

And those _eyes_. Now I really understood how one could be lost in a pair of eyes…

_Snap out of it!_ I told myself. I thought of Jessica's kiss, and how soft her lips were against mine. The gentle pressure had felt nice, but I couldn't convince myself I wanted that again.

And then—just like that—it hit me. The possibility that I'd been avoiding for weeks. Something I was still desperate to prove wrong. Did that make me a hypocrite, constantly pushing Jasper to admit his secret? Didn't that make me even worse that him?

Maybe. But I didn't feel like I had a choice.

I was oddly paranoid now—what would Jasper think of me? Would he think that I was gay, too? Did he think I was into him?

My head was spinning and I was the slightest bit nauseous. And I knew what I had to do.

"I gotta go," I said briskly, jumping up to put on my shoes.

Jasper's face fell and it killed me to see him that downtrodden again, but I didn't have time to feel guilty.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I shook my head fiercely. "Not your fault," I said. "I need to sort something out."

"Is it Alice?" he wondered.

I shook my head again. "It's all me. I need to leave. Now."

"Edward…" he began tentatively. "You're sorta scaring me."

I looked up from my shoelaces, startled. "Why?"

"You're…trembling."

I slowly looked back down at my hands, which were still gripping the white laces. It was true—I could feel the laces tightening every time my hands shook, and when I let them go, there were indentations in my fingers. I tried tying them again, which took some time.

I swallowed noisily. My throat was bone dry.

I didn't say anything as I darted away.

* * *

I barreled through the hordes of shoppers, not caring in the least that I was violently shoving most of them in the process. I thought I might've even heard a man threaten to press charges.

Skidding to a stop at nowhere in particular, I took a minute or so to catch my breath. My heart was pounding furiously in my chest—I gulped several mouthfuls of oxygen into my deprived lungs. All the while, I didn't especially pay too much attention to the nasty glare I'd earned as a result of my sprint through the mall.

My whole body was shaking now, ten times worse than how it'd been at Jasper's, as I anticipated what I was about to do. I wasn't positive that I wanted to know the truth anymore. I was doing fine—ignorance was bliss.

But ignorance made me look stupid. And scared. I didn't want to look scared. There had to be _someone_.

I felt nearly ready to collapse, so I searched for a place to sit. There was none in the general vicinity, so instead I leaned against a wall next to the entrance of Macy's. Girls liked Macy's, right?

I hastily and unwillingly scanned the female faces surrounding me. I wasn't used to observing girls that closely—it was usually the boys I analyzed. I felt a deep pang of fear down in my chest when I finally acknowledged the fact that it was because nothing caught my immediate attention. I forced myself to take another look, anyway. Small details were crucially important.

A woman with long, untamed, flaming red hair passed. I quietly observed her from my place against the wall. She was about half a foot shorter than me in her black stilettos, and her features suggested Irish heritage. She caught me staring at her, probably thinking I was a disgusting pervert. It wasn't far off to how I felt at that moment. Instead of flipping me off or running away (which would've been reasonable), she gave me a puzzled smile. I did not smile back.

I watched her walk into Macy's and after a moment of hesitation, I followed her in. I really hoped no one thought I was a stalker.

I eventually caught sight of her in the shoe department, looking like she was contemplating a shoe purchase. I knew this expression well; my sister sported it enough for me to catch on. I watched the woman hand over what must have been a ridiculous amount of money, because when she saw the price, her eyes popped. This apparently didn't affect her decision much. Ridiculously, I forced myself to imagine a life with her. I probably couldn't afford to make _her_ happy…not that I wanted to.

She walked back out, and unfortunately, saw me. Saw me staring at her like a fucking pervert. Her eyebrows shot up and she smiled again, but more seductively than the last. I didn't smile back for the second time.

She was sexy. I knew enough to appreciate that. Just a hint of cleavage peeked out at the top of her blouse, but not so much that she was leaving nothing to the imagination. Instead of making me aroused, I was only grateful that she had some self-respect. The rest of her outfit, though, suggested otherwise. Of course the stilettos, but she also wore a denim skirt that came two-thirds of the way above her knees. If she bent over, the entire mall would see her panties. I involuntarily wrinkled my nose.

The woman eventually stalked off with a frustrated expression and didn't look back. I could only think of how this wasn't doing anything for the straight side of the war against my sexuality. But…maybe she really _wasn't_ attractive. Maybe I was wrong in my assumption.

I decided that Macy's wasn't the right place. I arrived at the food court five minutes later in considerably lower spirits.

Until I spotted a girl that looked to be my age, long brown hair almost to her waist. A pale hand reached into her McDonald's French fries, and another hand was attached to her ear. I could only guess that she was speaking to someone on a cell phone. I slowly made my way closer to her, thinking of ridiculous scenarios in which I could strike up a conversation with her. I couldn't explain it, but she seemed familiar to me.

She flipped her phone shut and went at her fries again. I chucked a little; we'd get along great. I loved fast food. I mean…two people in a relationship should have similar interests, right? This was a start. I didn't even spare the thought that maybe I was getting ahead of myself.

I decided to throw myself to the sharks and tap on her shoulder. Startled, she dropped her French fry and yelped. Jesus, that's just perfect—I'd scared her. Next thing I knew, there'd be a picture of me on the news under big, bold letters declaring that I was a sexual predator.

Her head whipped around and she looked up at me. "Yes?" she asked, tone restrained.

Not only did she seem familiar, but she looked it, too. Her ivory skin and deep brown eyes pulled at something in the back of my head, willing me to put the pieces together. I ignored it for the time being.

I cleared my throat and yanked at a loose thread on my shirt. "Just…wanted someone to talk to."

She looked at me in frustration and disbelief, so I quickly estimated that I'd need to fabricate a story to keep the ball rolling. Or maybe something half-true, at least.

"I think you go to my school."

She didn't look like she bought it. "_You_ live in Forks? I think I'd have seen you. Not too many people live there, you know."

There was almost an audible _click_ somewhere in my brain—I knew she looked familiar. I nodded, becoming slightly more optimistic. I recognized her as the girl that I saw at the library occasionally. She appeared to be a nice person, if not a bit reserved. Of course, I didn't mind, because that just meant that she was a lot like me.

The girl looked a bit confused when I told her I lived in Forks, too, so she asked me if I went to the high school. I nodded again. I discovered her name was Bella Swan, and I told her my name in return, but not a flicker of recognition could be seen in her face. Our questioning fell into a series of random inquiries, mostly my doing. I could tell she was a bit confused as to why I'd just amble over to her side and start interrogating her, but I had bigger things on my mind.

I reflected upon our similarities and differences. There were more similarities by a long shot. We liked to read, occasionally listened to classical music, didn't have any strong religious or political views, and even drove the same fucking car.

I told myself that if I tried hard enough, I could make it work. I was nearly delirious in my desperation. _It can work. It _can_ work_.

Bella was a good person. Bella was beautiful. Bella and I were so alike, I might as well have been her other half. But Bella didn't didn't cause butterflies to assault my stomach—didn't send electric currents throughout my entire body. Oh, I could see us being great friends in the future. And hell, I could even see us going on double dates.

I wanted to slam my head against something—preferably something that knocked me out—when I involuntarily pictured my date as Jasper, softly gripping my had in encouragement as we attained incredulous stares from people we'd known our whole lives. I fought my hardest to drive that thought out of my mind; _anything_ but that thought.

I wasn't fucking attracted to her—maybe the inviting warmth of her personality, but I couldn't bring myself to give a shit about her perky breasts, round ass, or swaying hips. Not to mention that it felt like a serious invasion of privacy when I tried to imagine her naked. And hey, maybe it was like that for other guys, too. Maybe they saw some girls just as friends, and different girls as lovers.

But reality made itself known as a crushing force when I finally admitted to myself that I'd never been attracted to a woman in my entire life.

* * *

**(A/N:)** _Ahh, I'm nervous about this one! Please let me know your 100% honest opinion._


	7. Chess

**(A/N):** _Holy crap, guys, this is a long chapter. For me, anyway, lol. I am incredibly nervous about this one...hope you like it._

* * *

Carlisle was angry. I could tell. He appeared disappointed, maybe sad, but I saw the way his mouth pressed into a tight, grim line; I saw the way his fist tightened when he thought I wasn't looking. But somehow, the rest of him was completely calm. I never understood how he did it.

"Please tell me why you didn't go to school today."

I racked my brain for potential excuses, but each was more pathetic than the last. The truth would have to do it.

"I went to Jasper's."

He turned to look at me. His eye showed dismay that made me squirm and burn with guilt.

"Why?"

His voice was so laden with disappointment, I would've preferred if he shouted. In this heavily layered atmosphere, it was difficult for me to think clearly. I most definitely was not going to out Jasper to my father _just in case_ it was a good excuse. So I blurted something along those lines anyway, even though I was sure it would bring about several questions.

"He's depressed," I said, looking down at the floor. "That's why he's been missing school. I just wanted him to snap out of it. I went over to convince him to go, but he wouldn't…so I figured he needed some company."

Carlisle looked concerned now. "Why? Is he alright?" he wondered.

I nodded, purposefully ignoring his first question. "Hopefully."

He sighed and crossed his arms, looking out the window by his side. After a long beat of silence, he merely said, "I wish you wouldn't have done that."

Ashamed, I looked back down. "Sorry, Dad."

He shrugged. "No harm done, I suppose. It's a good thing your mother didn't hear anything about it."

"You don't plan on telling her, do you?" I asked urgently.

He chuckled dryly. "I did consider it…until I realized that I'd probably get the brunt of her wrath."

I smirked. "Ah, good old Dad. Always got my back."

He turned on his heel to look me in the eye and raise his eyebrows. "Don't expect this _every_ time you do something stupid."

I sighed. "I know, I know. Thanks." I paused thoughtfully before adding, "Have you noticed anything…weird about Alice?"

Carlisle smiled wryly. "Besides her hair?"

I pursed my lips. "So I'm not the only one who's worrying."

"Edward, she's thirteen. She's bound to start acting a little reckless. After all, she's a teenager now."

"The bare minimum," I muttered. "Hardly a teenager."

"Well, she thinks she is," he amended. "You know how they are at that age."

* * *

When I retreated to my bedroom, everything began to wholly sink in. My epiphany of sorts started to settle and I could finally accept it, as terrifying as it was. But I knew. I wasn't guessing, wasn't assuming—I _knew_ I was gay. There would be no more lying to myself. I definitely ready to tell anyone yet, but I had to tell myself instead of pushing it to the back of my mind. I wasn't going to try to deny it as much as Jasper had.

_Jasper_.

Oh shit, he probably thought I was running out on him. I snapped out of my daze and stumbled around to find my cell phone, tripping over all the shit I left lying around. Eventually I stepped on a lump in the pocket of a pair of jeans that appeared to be my phone.

No missed calls. I was oddly guilty about that. I called three times and he didn't pick up, which made me even guiltier (and panicked), so I drove to his house.

He answered the door with the same spaced-out look as earlier today, but it turned into a stunned expression once he realized it was me.

"Jasper—" I said before he could possibly slam the door in my face…not that I wouldn't deserve it.

"It's alright," he said with the wave of a hand. "I woulda ran too." He gave me a weak smile.

I scowled and pushed him inside so we could sit down at the breakfast bar. "Look, it wasn't about you."

He nodded calmly, but I could tell he didn't believe me. "Then…what was it about?" he inquired.

I opened my mouth and tried to answer, but I couldn't think of anything. "I…"

"What?" he pressed.

If I didn't tell him, I would be a hypocrite. But if I told him, then he might get the wrong idea. Or…maybe it was just in my mind. Jasper _needed_ me and I wasn't there for him. The only thing I did was force the truth out of him, then leave. How was that helping?

"To see Jessica?" he guessed with a bit of a sneer.

I rolled my eyes. "No. I haven't talked to her since…well, you know."

He looked considerably brighter after that, so I figured it was safe to move on.

"Jazz…" I started, but I didn't know where to go from there. "I have my own shit to work out right now."

His eyes tightened in concern. "I really wish you would tell me."

Now he was using my own tactic against me. I sighed.

"Look, all I can say is that I'm sorry about yesterday."

"You worried me," he said quietly, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice.

It made me all kinds of remorseful to hear it, remembering the tears, so I scooted my chair closer and wrapped one arm around him in one of those awkward man-hugs. He let out a quiet gasp that I didn't understand and I pulled him closer to me. He relaxed into my side and returned the gesture. An electric current shocked my entire body—the good kind—and went straight to my groin, which surprised and scared me.

So I patted his back and slipped my arm back to my side, feeling a little freaked. When I turned my head to look at him, his face was bright red. _Ugh_. I freaked him out, too. Just wonderful.

"You know what, Jazz?" I said in a slightly higher-pitched voice. I cleared my throat and continued. "We should get outta the house today. Do something…not inside, you know?"

He seemed to consider this, then nodded. "We have been holed up a while, haven't we?"

I grinned. "Yeah. Seriously. So what do you want to do?"

He chewed on his lip while he thought. He did that every once in a while and it never used to bother me, but now I had the overwhelming urge to put my thumb to his bottom lip to get him to stop. I wondered how it would feel against my skin. It was almost like he read my mind, because then he stopped. His lips began to move and I was so entranced, I could only stare.

"…and it's a nice day out so far, so we won't…uh…Edward?"

I started. He'd been talking all this time and I was staring at his _lips?_ Oh, Jesus.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "What did you say?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're seriously out of it today, dude. I just asked if you wanted to go cliff diving."

"At that reservation? La Push?"

"That's the one." He grinned.

"Eh, why not." I shrugged. "Didn't we do that last year?"

He threw his head back and laughed, jerking his head a little to flip his soft blond hair out of his face. "Yeah, during a fucking hurricane. And you jumped from the top anyway, 'cause you're a dumbass."

I snorted. "Whatever, I got out alive, didn't I?"

"With a broken elbow."

I glare in his direction. "Let's just go."

* * *

It really wasn't that nice a day. A thick sheet of gray hung above out heads, threatening rain, but it was nothing Jasper and I weren't used to—the entire Olympic Peninsula, for that matter. It was somehow warm, or maybe just humid. Whichever, it marked a good day to be outside.

First Beach was bustling with kids from the reservation and even a few from our school. To my intense chagrin, I noticed Tyler Crowley was there in a tight t-shirt that hugged his muscular chest. The second round of humiliation came around when Jasper glanced at my face with blankly puzzled eyes, catching onto my involuntary ogling. I flushed scarlet and turned my head away.

I wondered if I could ever look at a boy and be attracted to him without the rising panic that always accompanied it. This truth—the truth about _me_—was still very hard to swallow.

Jasper rested a light, hesitant hand on my shoulder. I was forced to breathe a little deeper. It seemed like every time he touched me these days, I couldn't think coherently.

"Are you all right? You look freaked."

I shook my head a little too quickly.

He squinted to look further off into the distance, then seemed to understand. "We can leave if you want," he said.

"Why?"

"I know you don't like Laurent…considering you broke his nose."

Oh. So he was here, too? It would be best to avoid him before I _really_ beat the shit out of him.

"No, we'll stay," I said stiffly. "We'll just go to the cliffs. It's a little ways down from here if I remember correctly."

After a short walk down the shore and a menacing glare in Laurent's direction (which he imperceptibly flinched away from, to my amusement), we indeed found the cliffs. It was tempting to hike up to the top like before, but my elbow didn't agree. A bit lower would have to do. I leaned over the edge, staring down at the dark water below. It was calm today. I guess I leaned over a little too far, because I started to wobble and my heart went into overdrive. I did my best to steady myself with my arms, but it didn't seem to be working.

_Shit_, I thought. I didn't really want to go headfirst.

Then I felt a pair of hands roughly yank me back, and I wasn't sure whether to be startled or relieved.

"Jesus, Edward," huffed Jasper. "I thought you were gonna fall! Don't _do_ that."

I turned around to look at him. I could tell he was trying to conceal the anxiety behind his eyes, but he couldn't get anything past me.

"Thanks," I muttered, flushing with embarrassment. "I didn't really want to jump in with my shoes on."

He laughed a little, but his eyes were still tightened with anxiety. "Yeah, that'd suck, huh?"

"Let's just do it now." I sat down on the ground to unlace my sneakers. Jasper did the same.

He scratched his head. "We probably should've brought a change of clothes…or towels…"

I quirked an eyebrow. "Stop being such a girl. We can hang out at the beach till we dry off."

"Fine with me."

His hands went to the hem on the bottom of his shirt and he slowly pulled it up over his head. My eyes widened, even though I was warning myself that I was wandering into dangerous territory. His body wasn't incredibly muscular, but toned, which somehow made him look perfect. I could not stop gaping. His chest was just nice to look at. _No, I don't think I'll stop looking_, I decided. But then I felt myself growing…uh, well, hard.

_Shit shit shit._

I practically ripped my shirt off and sprinted to the ledge. "I'm jumping now," I shouted over my shoulder. My voice fucking cracked. Jazz stared after me in confusion.

"Are you alright?" he called.

"Fine," I said tersely.

Then I stepped over the edge.

As I fell, the wind blew speedily past my ears and my stomach dropped—adrenaline shot through my veins. I'd never get used to the feeling. It was freeing. And thank fucking God, it got rid of the boner. But when I plunged into the water, I yelped. It was _cold_. Like, really cold. When my feet touched the bottom, I decided I'd stay underwater for a while to try to adjust to the temperature. Inevitably, my lungs began to scream for more oxygen, so I immediately kicked off from the ground and shot back up. When I hit the surface, I gulped in a huge breath of air.

I just floated there for a while before I heard another splash. It startled me, so I turned around, but it was just Jasper coming up for air. He looked frenzied before we made eye contact.

"What the hell were you doing down there so long?" he asked angrily. "I thought you were fucking drowning, you douche!"

"Jasper," I sighed, "It's called holding your breath."

He blinked, then nodded. "Right. Sorry."

"You're ridiculous, Jazz."

Why was he so agitated today? Maybe it was just one of those off days. But then I forced myself to think about what I'd do if I thought Jasper had hurt himself. I tensed and stopped breathing. I would probably do the same thing. So what the hell did that mean?

Without really thinking about it, I looked at his face for a very long time. I observed how he'd relaxed a bit now, his forehead smooth. His tendrils of blond hair kept falling into his eyes, and he got this adorable frustrated look on his face, so he shook his head, sending flecks of water all around him. Then he smiled—_really_ smiled—and I could feel my lips pulling up at the corners, too.

"You wanna get out and dry off now?" he asked me. "Water's fucking freezing."

"Sure."

Without warning, he reached forward and grabbed my hand to pull me along. I froze. So did he, apparently realizing what he'd done. He let go of my hand like it'd burnt him and turned red. I felt an acute loss when he did, so without thinking it through, I gripped his instead.

"C'mon," I said. "It's cold."

He nodded without saying anything else. Just kept my hand in an iron grip, like it'd disappear. That made my stomach twist in a not-too-unpleasant way. I let go when we reached the shore, because honestly, I wasn't altogether certain that holding hands was a friend thing. I saw girls do it all the time, but definitely not guys. We'd be crucified or something.

The car ride home was deafeningly quiet. It was awkward and I saw so much regret in his face, it made me flinch away. And it was my fault.

But I could've sworn I witnessed…something else…in his eyes. Something that I felt every moment I was near to him. It was longing I'd just realized I'd been carrying for so long now—the kind of longing I felt when I wanted to touch him in any way possible, or hold his hand, or embrace him.

Or…kiss him. It was the first time I'd acknowledged that desire in my mind.

But it was impossible that Jasper would want to kiss me. I mean, yeah, he was gay…and apparently, so was I…but it didn't seem plausible that someone like Jasper could want me.

When we pulled into his driveway, he hesitated before reaching for the handle. His presence usually enveloped me in his typical calming atmosphere, but now it was as though he was sending me waves of unbearable nerves. The desire I felt was definitely mine and mine alone.

As he climbed out of the passenger's seat, Jasper's eyes tightened.

"I'll see you later, Edward."

"Yeah. Later."

He sat on his front steps and rested his head on his hands. I looked at him for another torturous moment, then accepted that I'd have to leave. So I drove away.

* * *

The hand-holding incident scared the living shit out of me once I realized I enjoyed it so much—which led to me ignoring him…which ultimately led to me going back to square one.

I was denying it again. And spending a lot more time with Jessica.

I thought it might be awkward after the kiss, but it really wasn't. I loved how understanding she was being. Of course, I was still completely paranoid that she might've already guessed.

But over the next week, it appeared as though she was getting the wrong idea.

Jessica was insistent.

She'd walk with me to all my classes and "accidentally" brush her arm against mine. When she sat with me at lunch, her thigh would just barely touch mine, and she'd lightly shiver. It was like she wanted me to be aware of her presence even more than I already was…in a sexual way. It weirded me out, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

And to her credit, she was still making an enormous effort to get to know me as a friend. We'd spend hours talking on the phone every night, and I gently comforted her as she spilled out her heart. Ever since her father left, she'd been quite downtrodden. She didn't even ask me about Jacob anymore (who was still irritating the shit out of me—I just liked to avoid him), which was uncharacteristic.

It surprised me when she shyly admitted that I was the only one she could talk to about her father. And…I guess I didn't know what the hell to say to that, other than "I'm sorry," and "it must be hard". I knew better than to try to empathize. It might've made her feel like I was trying to draw attention to myself, and I knew how she liked being in the spotlight.

And the most peculiar part was, she was trying to extract pretty damn private information from me, too. First the questions were general, like she wasn't trying to pry. But then she wanted to know if I had feelings for anyone at school, and her voice sounded strained—faintly hopeful, but so pessimistic, like she expected me to laugh at her. I eventually told her no. I didn't want to encourage her, because that would make me look like such a jackass. And I'd already lead her on too much.

The girl looked at me like I was the only guy in the world…and I couldn't fucking leave her high and dry. I felt like I had a responsibility to her, as crazy as that sounded. She needed me. She was pretty, which was a bonus, I presumed. If I were normal, I'd have asked her out on a date or maybe even kissed her again by now.

But I wasn't normal. I had weird things happening inside me, and I was working furiously against my instincts to rid of the thoughts that constantly plagued me. I'd eventually leaned that it was easier if I didn't think at all, but I just couldn't do that. I had to analyze everything I met in life, whether it was a person or an inanimate object that meant nothing.

I didn't want to accept the fact that I was different.

I wondered how disappointed in me Jasper would be if he could read my mind. Probably a lot, I reasoned, since he'd gone through this. I could understand so much more about his previous struggle—possibly something he might still be going though, but I was too self-absorbed to notice.

And somehow, through all this, I realized that I was pathetically infatuated with Jasper. My best friend. And I wanted more, but I knew I couldn't have it.

I was hot and cold. Just like he'd been. And I knew the time would come where he wasn't going to allow it anymore.

To be more specific, that day came on a Tuesday.

He invited himself in my house after school, scowled at Jacob (because for some reason, he hated the dog, too), and found me looking at him from the kitchen. He looked angry. Silently fuming, he walked toward me so that we were several feet away. His back was turned.

"Edward," he said in a falsely calm voice. I held my breath. "Tell me what the fuck his wrong," he pleaded, the words coming out more like a growl. Jasper turned on his heel and grasped my shoulders roughly. I let myself cringe a little from his enraged behavior and my breath became gradually more uneven.

It didn't seem unfair or anything. I was doing what he did to me. Putting someone I cared so much about through that bullshit…I deserved his anger.

I finally picked my head up and looked him in the eye. It made me furious that even at such a horrid moment, I could drown in the fathoms of his icy eyes that held depths I ached to understand. Right now, they weren't shining with that usual optimism. For a moment, I didn't even take notice of the fury…the very same being directed toward my erratic behavior lately. No, all I could see was the dark, hurtful confusion that'd been looming over him for the past week. It nearly mirrored my past expression. My chest ached as I realized that I was the one who'd put that in place…the way it haunted me before could not compare to how it felt now.

So what was I supposed to do? I was truly a monster for making someone as good as Jasper feel this way. My mind and body finally began to give up on my defenses. I wasn't going to get what I wanted after all.

Before I could completely detach myself, I noticed a flicker of something on the frozen surface of his eyes. And slowly…so slowly…the ice melted away. They were shining again, but with sadness. I wanted more than anything to comfort him, though I wasn't positive what would make him so glum.

"I know what's going on," he finally said in an agonized whisper. "Don't do this to yourself."

"What?" I said dumbly, still trying to cover everything up. It terrified me that someone other than myself knew.

"Edward, you can't torture yourself like I did." His eyes were still on mine, brimming with tears that surprised me. Like I said, Jasper never cried. But I knew, as of right now, he was too proud to shed the tears.

My attention abruptly returned to his hands—they were still gripping my shoulders, but gradually beginning to loosen. Short, unsteady breaths penetrated the delicate silence that surrounded us. His touch turned feather-light and his thumbs began making gentle, tentative circles on my shoulders. My eyelids fluttered shut and almost unconsciously took a small step forward. He did not move away, but his grip grew firmer. Not in anger like before, but almost like he wanted me to stay there with him.

But I was surely imagining things. He was only trying to calm me down so I didn't blow up on him—and he felt guilty, besides—why should he care an ounce what I cared for him? Sure, the evidence added up…but my mind tended to play tricks on me.

After this, I didn't know what I would do if he didn't share the same feelings I did. He was killing me all over again.

Jasper took a miniscule step forward, but confident all the same. Wondering what emotion his eyes reflected and if it would give me a clue as to why he got closer, I opened my eyes. And they burned with something I scarcely recognized—something like passion and desire. It could've meant something completely different to him, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to know that. My heart stuttered and thumped wildly in my chest. My resolve crumbled.

It seemed as though our bodies were gravitating toward each other of their own accord. I knew this because just as there was a war waging inside my head, there was a similar war in Jasper's stormy eyes. Our chests were now not an inch apart and I could feel his warm breath on my face. I let it envelop me, fighting the urge to step even closer and embrace him, touch him…and kiss him. I longed for his lips more than anything right now.

His thumbs stopped drawing circles and his hands traveled slowly down the sides of my arms. First my muscles tensed, but then I relaxed as I realized it was _Jasper_ touching me. Jasper was _touching_ me…almost lovingly. He ever so slightly brushed the palms of his hands against mine, lingering longer than I'd anticipated. As a reflex reaction, my fingers twitched to hold them there with me, but Jasper's arms were behind his back and his head hung.

I bit back a whimper of disappointment. Was he just going to walk away now as if nothing happened? Leave me to sort out my feelings now in addition to his? Couldn't he feel it—the spark, the connection, the staggering pull that had me fucking bound to his side?

No. He wasn't going to walk away. I wouldn't let him.

Just as I'd come to this conclusion, Jasper took a reluctant step back. I stepped forward. He looked up, eyes wide. I silently pleaded with him to stay, to give me my chance before our time was up…I didn't know if he understood, but I had to try. To give him some sort of physical clue, I brushed my hand up his arm ever so lightly—over the tight black sweater that hugged his toned upper body. My fingers began to shake, but I continued until my palm was resting on his shoulder. His breathing came heavier now and his eyes were shut. It fucking amazed me that I had _that_ effect on him.

He stopped breathing entirely when I cupped the back of his neck, fingers tangled in his loose blonde curls. I shakily picked up my opposite hand and traced his jaw line with the pad of my thumb. Jasper inhaled once and halfway opened his heavy lids. He stepped forward enough so that our chests were touching. I felt his heartbeat thudding quickly against his chest, nearly patching the pace of mine. But I needed to feel more of him, so I moved closer. Our noses touched gently and I angled my head so that my nose was on his cheek, closer to his ear. My scratchy stubble grazed his newly-shaven skin and I let out a small sound of contentment.

I suddenly realized I wanted to inhale his scent—I wasn't breathing in anticipation—and as I did, I couldn't help the small hum that escaped when I exhaled again. I still couldn't describe the scent. It was almost like walking through a trail in the forest after a downpour, the scent of nature lingering heavily in the air.

I wanted more of it.

My lips gently touched his jaw and I dragged them to the corner of his mouth. His skin was so unbelievably soft, but my lips next to his felt like nothing I'd ever experienced. There was no comparison. I pressed my lips down a bit harder, and he started to breathe in sharp huffs, fanning his breath across my face.

Then Jasper pulled away slightly, which caused a terrifying _pang_ in my chest, but instead of pushing me away, the tip of his tongue wet his lips. My heart beat furiously, waiting for him to make the next move. Just so I knew he wanted it as badly as I did.

His lips, now moist and soft, puckered out to my cheek. I leaned into him, only because the craving was spiraling out of control and I needed to satiate it. He dragged his mouth closer to mine, painstakingly slow. Impatient, I turned my head to touch my lips to his. I held them there. My head was swimming. I let out a strangled breath and pressed myself closer, molding my mouth to fit his.

And kissing Jessica suddenly didn't seem like a _real_ kiss anymore. This, right now, with Jasper, was my real first kiss. I didn't really know what I was doing and I don't think Jasper did either, but we did our best. He pulled my bottom lip between both of his while I caught his top lip and did the same in response. We shared small pecks and tangled them together for a long moment and touched foreheads. It was amazing. It was slightly awkward. But it felt right.

And then the moment of bliss was over. We stood there together a while, breathing heavily and staring into each other's eyes disbelievingly. I touched two fingers to my lips, which were now swollen. I refused to accept what just happened as anything but a dream. A really _good_ dream.

"Oh my God," I whispered in shock, because I couldn't think of anything eloquent to say. That would have to sum it up for now.

Jasper grinned and laughed. It was a sound that I hadn't heard in such a long time, so I had to laugh, too.

"I know," he said. "I just…" His grin faded.

"What?" I asked, worried now.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you kiss me?"

I rolled my eyes. "What do you think?"

His jaw hardened and he stepped away. "I wanted to make sure I'm not just some experiment to you. If I am…" Pain flooded into his eyes once more.

"No, Jazz, no way," I said, shaking my head quickly. "I mean…I've been feeling this for a long time." My voice grew softer while I revealed my secret. It seemed ridiculous now that I'd hidden it.

He crossed his arms, sighed, and nodded. "Okay."

I reached out, needing to comfort him, but my cell phone vibrated in my pocket.

"Shit," I groaned. I flipped it open. "Hello?"

"Edward." It was Carlisle, and his voice was grave. "You need to come home."

"What for?"

"Your mother found your report card," he sighed. I nearly dropped phone and blanched.

"I'll be there." I didn't give him a chance to say anything else before I hung up.

See…I hadn't been doing so well lately in school.

So I wrapped my arms around Jasper, just because I knew I could, and I reveled in the way our cheeks pressed together.

"I have to go," I whispered. "But I'll be back."

"Oh," he said sadly. "Well…alright. I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah."

I smiled crookedly. I didn't know what got into me—I just felt so free. So fucking alive.

* * *

**(A/N):** _What do you think?? Good or not-so-good writing? Was it too soon? Not soon enough? I mean, it makes perfect sense in my mind, but that's only because I'm the one writing it.  
What I'm saying here is that feedback would be awesome. _


	8. A Hand in a Flame

**(A/N):** _Hmm...not so sure how I feel about this chapter. Tell me what you think._

* * *

Before I walked out the door, I turned to look over my shoulder and smile at Jasper again. We held eye contact for several seconds, and I had trouble looking away, because I kind of wanted to lose myself in his eyes, even though it was cheesy and embarrassing. But I seriously needed to see his face before my impending death via groundation. Was that a word—groundation? _Who cares_. I would be dead.

I inched through the kitchen, trying to be sneaky about it, but fucking Jacob just _had_ to see me and start barking his damn head off.

"Shut up," I hissed. "Shut _up_ you fu—"

Someone cleared their throat behind me and I went rigid. _Shit_.

"He-ey, Mom," I said brightly, attempting to act like I had no idea what was going on. The problem was that I probably looked as sheepish as I felt.

Esme had this no-bullshit policy fused into her brain, though, so it didn't work. She gave that freaky look that it seemed only moms could achieve and held up a piece of paper, but the shadows were covering it so I couldn't see the print. But I still knew what it was; what _else?_

She began to read it off, face set with a cold glare. "Trigonometry, sixty-nine. History, fifty-five." Her voice grew even harder. "English, seventy-two. Gym…forty-seven?"She stopped for a long, torturous moment to allow me to squirm in guilt. "Biology, eighty; Spanish, sixty-two—Edward, _what the hell is wrong with you?"_

I couldn't very well tell her I was wrestling with issues about my sexuality, even though it'd be a marvelous excuse, so I simply shrugged ruefully and tried to back out of the kitchen. She lunged forward and gripped the tops of my arms, somehow strong enough to keep me in place. It had nothing to do with muscle.

"Oh, no you don't," she chuckled dryly. "You're grounded. No friends over—"

"I have no friends," I mumbled as a last-ditch effort.

Esme frowned. I sighed and allowed her to continue.

"No friends over, no car—"

"No _car?"_ I exclaimed. "How am I supposed to get to school?!"

"Walk," she suggested stonily. "Or you can get a ride from someone. I'm sure Jasper would be willing, but it's your choice."

I groaned and hid my face in my hands. "Mom, seriously. Is that necessary?"

"Are these grades necessary?" she retorted. "I know you're intelligent. The problem is that you aren't trying. So, yes, I'd say it's necessary for me to punish you."

I didn't reply for a long moment, as if it'd make her change her mind. But Esme stood her ground by doing the freaky-mom-stare, so eventually, I huffed and said, "Fine."

And it's not like it _wasn't_ fine.

I totally found a loophole and I intended to take full advantage of it.

* * *

"Shit—quick—go!" I hissed before Esme could change her mind.

Well, she said no friends _over_. I technically wasn't breaking the rules.

"Alright, alright," muttered Jasper as he backed out of my driveway. "You know, she _saw_ me come in and say 'hey, Edward's coming over', and she _saw_ you walk out the door with me…"

"Yeah, but I mean, she didn't know there was a way for me to get out of it. Did you see how pissed she was?"

Jasper stifled a giggle. I glared.

"What?" I challenged.

His lips twisted into a restrained smile as he attempted to control himself. He didn't succeed.

"It's just—just that you—failed…gym!" he choked out in between howls of laughter. "How do you fail _gym?_ Seriously!" He let out a wildly amused snort before quieting.

I glared even harder, but out the window this time, because my cheeks were aflame with embarrassment. And not because I fucking failed gym (which was admittedly pathetic), but the reason behind it.

"It's distracting," I mumbled, not really wanting to admit it but seeing no other way to redeem myself.

Jasper processed that for a moment, then started cackling again. I let myself glance at his face and couldn't help but laugh along with him—it was the way his eyes were alight with humor, with joy…even if it was at my pride's cost.

"Dude," he said, "I get it, I do…but _out_ of the locker room?"

I had to laugh at that, too. It was true—not to mention exhilarating to be able to talk about things like this to someone, if not a little awkward. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but I hadn't noticed I was so repressed before.

But our chuckles died down after a while, and I was forced to come back down to Earth once more. The last time I was with him flew into my mind at a vengeance, and I had to grip the sides of my seat in order to stay calm. I was dangerously close to freaking out. I mean, come on. Jasper kissed me. Well, no—I kissed Jasper. _Me and Jasper kissed_. Though my brain was now hazy, I could still remember my rational thoughts from when I'd gotten home mere hours ago. I remembered feeling as though I was walking too lightly, as if on air…or maybe gliding on ice.

And then I remembered smacking myself in the forehead for being so fucking girly.

But regardless, I didn't know what to think anymore. It's not like I regretted it, but it was such a huge change. I was too new to this thing—I'd let Jazz down. My best friend…that I'd kissed. _Holy shit_. That kiss…

It still left me breathless.

"Edward, are you alright?"

I snapped out of my cloudy thoughts and worked to unhinge my white-knuckled fists from the seat. "Um, yeah," I breathed. "Just…thinking."

"Oh," he said quietly, and I could tell he understood. It was comforting to know, on some level, that we were on the same page. I wouldn't know how to feel if he decided to conveniently forget what happened.

But it didn't matter, because I'd force him to talk about it, anyway. I couldn't stand the feeling of being suspended in midair, not knowing whether I'd fall. It was terrifying, but if it was going to happen, might as well get it over with sooner than later. I didn't want to have this conversation in the car, though. Maybe when we got back to Jasper's house.

But to my surprise, when I looked up, we weren't even in our neighborhood anymore.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

Jasper shrugged. "Where do you wanna go?"

Then he turned his head to look at me, catching me off-guard by breaking out into a dazzling smile. It left me stunned. When he peeked over at me again, he had a wicked glint in his eye, which made me feel like he knew what he'd done perfectly well. This was a _very_ new side of Jasper I'd never seen before.

"Anywhere," I said immediately. "Anywhere you want."

We ended up at some hiking trail I had never even heard about, although Jasper had been down it a thousand times. I felt oddly jealous.

"We won't go far," he promised. "It's dark out, so I don't want to get lost or anything."

I nodded apprehensively. "What about…like…animals?"

He chuckled and threw his arm around my shoulders. He pulled me closer and whispered, "I won't let 'em getcha."

This behavior startled me enough to nod frantically and scramble out the door before I did something I'd regret. _Doesn't seem like he forgot about earlier_. Admittedly, it was something Jasper would've done way before all this crazy shit, but…I could hope. Right? At least things weren't as awkward as I was feeling.

We walked toward the trail silently, side-by-side. I was just a little freaked—by that, I mean there was a sudden intake of breath and I stopped walking altogether—while the darkness of the forest engulfed us. Jasper sighed and tugged on my forearm, urging me to follow.

"I know exactly where we're going," he whispered. "Just a few more yards…"

Filled with chagrin now, I forced my feet to move forward. It was uncomfortable, since I was completely unfamiliar with my surroundings. I could sense Jasper ahead of me, though, so that was what gave me a little more confidence that I wouldn't hit a tree or stumble upon a hungry mountain lion.

Then Jasper halted abruptly, causing me to crash into him with an "oof!" There wasn't much of an excuse going for me. My eyes were pretty well adjusted now.

He laughed and turned around. "You suck at this," he said softly.

I wanted to feel offended, I really did. Instead, I smiled. "Yeah, I do."

Jasper led me to a gigantic rock off the pathway. I eyed him skeptically, as if he expected us to climb that thing, but he explained that he'd always just sit on the ground and lean against it.

"It's more comfortable than you'd think," he revealed with a shrug.

We both lowered ourselves to the forest floor, sitting closer than usual. I didn't complain—especially not about the way our legs and arms touched. It was very lightly, but enough for the irrational part of my brain to tell me to move closer.

Not yet, though.

"This is…peaceful," I laughed, realizing how much that was true, despite being frightened a moment ago. It was silent, except for the typical sounds you'd hear in a forest. But, you know, just the non-dangerous ones.

"I know," he agreed quietly.

"So why didn't you ever tell me about this place?"

He thought a minute before answering. "Well…I guess I like to be alone here."

"Oh."

I was a little hurt that I wasn't part of his _alone_, but after all, I had a place like that, too. Jazz still didn't know about it.

"Why bring me here now?" I asked.

Jasper scooted closer to me so that our sides were pressed together. "I wanted you to know everything about me…" He laughed. "Sounds stupid, but yeah."

I shook my head. "No. No, it doesn't sound stupid. I get it."

He seemed appeased by my reaction and fell silent. It began to get tense—I wanted to hold his hand, but I wasn't sure how he'd feel about that. In fact, the urge was driving me insane. I figured this was a good opportunity to talk.

"Earlier today…" I started, but I didn't know what else to say. _We kissed, and I want you to know I really like you, but I'm too chicken-shit to come right out and say it._ I flinched a little. That wouldn't work.

"Yeah?" he said. I could feel him stiffen beside me.

"What are you thinking?" I asked softly. I _had_ to know. Hopefully, he wasn't regretting what happened.

"Earlier today," he echoed. He was taking deep breaths, slowly relaxing now. "I just…how do you feel about it now?"

This was the question I'd been anticipating—the question I'd planned out a well-developed answer to that left nothing more for him to worry about. That is, if everything was going well. What came out of my mouth wasn't what was planned, but it was effective enough while I was tongue-tied.

"I liked it," I admitted.

"Me too."

And then—finally—I felt around for his hand so I could lace my fingers through his…allowing myself to just feel instead of think. He didn't seem to mind, as he squeezed my hand and held onto it tighter.

"What are we?" I whispered. "What…what is this?"

He sighed, reaching over with his other hand to brush the hair off my forehead. His eyes looked black rather than blue in the darkness as they penetrated my own. His lips curved into a small smile before admitting, "I don't know. Whatever you want it to be."

I looked down at our entwined hands, making gentle circles on his soft skin with my thumb. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't know what that entailed. I certainly wasn't ready to tell everyone. But I did know one thing.

"I want _you_," I said. "I guess I…well, I want to be your…" I couldn't make myself say the word.

"Boyfriend?" he offered. I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Yeah," I said softly. "I want to be boyfriends."

"I like the sound of that."

I echoed the word in my head a few times. And honestly, I liked the sound of that, too. Jasper—my _boyfriend_. And now it felt like my insides were melting at a slow burn.

"So…will you? Be my boyfriend?"

I nodded immediately. "Yeah," I said, unable to control the crooked grin that'd appeared out of nowhere. Before I could stop myself, I pivoted my body so that I could enfold Jasper in a gentle embrace, our hands still tangled together. God, I loved hugs.

When we separated, I felt more complete and a little warmer. Jasper rested his head on my shoulder and exhaled sweetly while I laid my head on top of his. It felt so perfect, so right, to be together like this, so close. And as I brought up my other hand to sweep the wavy tendrils of blond out of his eyes, all I could think was…_fucking beautiful_. I'd always thought he was good-looking and even attractive, but my God, why couldn't I always see just how beautiful Jasper was? It seemed so obvious now. Even bathed in darkness as we were, his face looked too angelic to be real.

I stroked down his cheekbone with one finger, and observed that he must've shaven. His skin was so soft and smooth. I did it again, just because I wanted to, and I felt Jasper's cheek lift into a smile as he lifted his head off my shoulder. Everything around us was slowly disappearing, the air heavier, the space between us too much. He caught my gaze once again before leaning over and pressing a lingering kiss to my cheek. The heat inside of me smoldered as I felt everything—his hand in mine, our thighs against one another's, his lips on my skin… I lifted his chin and leaned in closer. His breath on my face was warm. His lips were full and slightly parted.

So I kissed him.

I think I might've caught him off guard, because he didn't respond at first. But I couldn't worry about that, not yet—Jasper's lips were on mine and my head was beginning to swim. Without thinking about it, my fingers threaded through his hair, my other hand went to cup the back of his neck, and I crushed myself to him.

_Then_ I was worried.

Flustered and embarrassed, I pulled away. "Sorry…I—"

As I was looking at the ground, I didn't see Jasper as he lunged forward and pulled me against him once more. But I felt him kissing me, really kissing me, and it took me a second to register what was going on. As soon as that was cleared up, I took his bottom lip in between mine with a gentle suction, then did the same with the top lip. It was slow, but so passionate…and it somehow wasn't right to speed it up yet. I knew this, yet I was on fire, wanting more and more of him. I parted my lips and Jasper followed. This was better, because I could almost taste him on my tongue, but not quite…my mind was getting increasingly louder as it told me to taste him more.

Even so, it shocked the hell out of me when I felt Jasper's tongue trace my top lip. I gasped and he pulled away slightly, but I buried my fingers in his hair and pulled him back, even though I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing. When my tongue reached out to lightly touch his, any rational thought I once possessed completely disappeared. There was only reckless abandon as our tongues danced, pushed forward and pulled away, teasing, yet so satisfying.

But eventually, it came to be too much…my head was going to explode and my erection strained against the front of my jeans. I didn't want to do anything I'd regret. I slowed down until we tangled our lips once more in a gentle kiss, and I pulled away.

I buried my head in the crook of his neck and he wrapped his arms around me. I was all happy and drowning in the sappy, blissful moment when I heard a rustling of leaves about two feet away. I froze in place, keeping perfectly still and not breathing. It seemed to be getting closer and closer to us, and I could only squeeze my eyes shut and pray it wasn't a bear. After a moment, it went away and I could breathe again.

Jasper laughed. I lifted my head up to glare incredulously, but he just kept laughing.

"_What_ is so funny?"

"Edward, that was my foot."

I immediately sat up and elbowed his ribcage. "You asshole! That scared the shit out of me."

"Well, I was just fixing my shoe."

"Fixing your shoe? What the hell?"

"It was at a weird…angle."

"At a weird angle?" I repeated skeptically.

His lips turned up into a small, private smile that I was suspicious of.

"Yeah, you know how shoes get like that. I wouldn't have done it if I knew you'd have this reaction," he retorted, rolling his eyes. He stood up, pulling me with him. "C'mon, your mom's gonna freak out of you don't get home soon."

I sighed dramatically. "Fine…"

Jasper chortled and pulled me back to him by my forearms, flush against his chest. All the air left my lungs with a _whoosh_. His face wore a smirk as he watched my eyes grow wide.

"We'll see each other all day tomorrow," he whispered, his mouth not an inch away from mine.

"Yeah," I said, breathless. "Okay."

Jasper gently brushed his lips against mine before stepping back. The goofy smile was back—but not just on my face.

* * *

I'd never noticed how much people used the word _faggot_.

Mostly the kids at school. It could've been Mike casually referring to a guy in skinny jeans, or Conner shouting to a friend across the hall. Or maybe it was James attempting to demean someone he didn't like.

I'd never noticed…but now I sure did.

My fist tightened, my nostrils flared, a slew of insults bubbled up to the tip of my tongue…but of course I couldn't do anything. It would be too obvious, like parading around in a rainbow t-shirt. Like, every day. To my sheer amazement, the word barely affected Jasper. I could sense his impatience and irritation, but otherwise, it didn't show. For all anyone else knew, he could've been agreeing with them. Maybe it was because he'd been dealing with it longer than me.

Regardless, every time I heard it, I wanted to kick some ass.

"Calm down," Jasper would whisper in my ear, and I'd repress a shiver. "They're fucking morons."

I'd nod and fight to move past it.

Except right now, I didn't have Jasper telling me to calm down and fucking _Tyler_ was being a jackass.

"Look at that guy," he chortled. "Fuckin' fag."

I wasn't sure _who_ he was talking about or _why _he was talking about them, but I sure was getting pissed.

"Do you even know him?" I scoffed.

Tyler shrugged. "Dunno. He just looks like a faggot."

I growled under my breath, refusing to believe that I'd thought he was attractive, and stalked out the double-doors. It was the end of the school day, thank God, and I was ready to go home and…well, do anything else but this. Unfortunately, Japser was stuck for another half-hour doing a Biology test and Rosalie was at some kind of dance rehearsal. In other words, I had no ride. And it was forty degrees. And I was wearing a t-shirt. Aaaand…I had no jacket.

Perfect. Just fucking perfect.

A permanent frown was etched across my face as I began the walk. I wasn't ecstatic about the four miles, but I'd look like a complete pussy if I called home and begged for a ride. So, yes; I'd walk. Maybe even fucking jog. And who cares if it was thirty degrees. In some places, that could be considered summer weather.

So I trudged out of the school grounds, fighting shivers the entire way, thinking, I wish I had my fucking car. Then I began to wonder if I could get hypothermia. Shit, that would really suck.

Ten minutes later, just as I was reaching for my cell phone, I heard a car pull off on the side of the road behind me. Annoyed, I turned around, hoping they didn't expect me to give them fucking directions or something.

Relief flooded through me when I saw it was Jasper. My…boyfriend. I just barely stopped myself from grinning at the thought.

He poked his head out the window. "Get in," he directed.

"No, really, I can walk—"

He climbed out of the car and walked toward me until we were face-to-face.

"Get in."

I held up my hands in defeat, also enjoying the adorably stern look on his face. "Alright alright." Honestly, I was overjoyed that I didn't have to walk anymore.

But before I could actually take advantage of the warmth, the car peeled out onto the road and drove away. Well more like _heard_ it. I hadn't really been paying attention, what with Jasper being all adorable and what not. So my eyes bugged out and I gestured listlessly toward where the BMW once was, completely panicked because _holy shit_ _his car was driving itself_, but he just looked really angry.

"What the fuck, Rose?" he muttered under his breath.

_Oh_. I let out a puff of relief. Why didn't I see her?

He put on a fixed, sarcastic grin and said, "Looks like we're both walking."

"Why did she do that?"

"She has a hot date that she needs five hours to get ready for. And I sorta…dragged her out of rehearsal to come get you. So she hates me now."

"That…sucks."

"Yeah, it does." Jasper sighed and pulled his fingers through his hair. "C'mon, you must be freezing." He brushed his hand along the length of my arm.

"I'm perfectly fine," I objected hastily, glancing around for anyone looking out their car windows.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Let's go." He marched forward and dragged me along with him by the wrist.

I huffed and followed his lead.

Forty-five minutes later, the temperature had dropped down even lower and I wasn't restraining myself from shivering anymore. I didn't think Jasper noticed since he was ahead of me.

However, when he did look back, he slowed his pace to match mine. We were closer together now and I could feel his heat warming my body, so I moved even closer. _He_ had a coat on. I was jealous.

"You really are freezing," he murmured, wrapping both his arms around me tightly. I didn't object, because it felt so good to be held. The warmth was especially nice. I wrapped my arms around him, too.

It was a little awkward to walk twisted around each other as we were, so eventually we each dropped one arm. I was still fucking freezing, but we were almost to Jasper's. He planned to go in and yell at Rosalie, take the car, then drive me home and hang out there until Esme got home. Then we'd go back to Jasper's. Sounded good to me—Rosalie wasn't my favorite person right now.

As we stole closer to our neighborhood, I shrugged his arm off me. I glanced over to give him a significant look, but he looked kind of upset. Downtrodden.

"I don't want anyone knowing," I whispered.

When Jasper replied, he didn't whisper. "No one will see us," he argued.

I raised my eyebrow. "Really? This is Forks, Jazz. People talk."

Jasper huffed. "Well, I don't mind if people know."

"Liar."

He scowled at me calling his bluff. "You're gonna get hypothermia or something. At least take my jacket." He shrugged off his coat and threw it at me.

I sighed melodramatically. "Fine, then…"

Jasper giggled, then took both my hands in his to pull me closer. "You look better in it than I do," he murmured.

"Yeah, right," I scoffed. I leaned in to press our foreheads together, but abruptly jumped back at the sound of a deafening, rumbling engine.

I stood about five feet away from Jasper as an old red Chevy pulled into a driveway directly in front of us. When I saw who was driving it, I flushed deep scarlet. Bella.

"Shit," I hissed. "Shit, shit, _shit_."

Bella was making her way toward us. If she saw something, we couldn't deny it…would she tell anyone?

"Hey, Edward," she called, waving. "What are you guys doing?"

"Nothing," I said guiltily. Jasper elbowed me.

"Walking home from school," he said, perfectly cool and casual. I glowered at him.

"But it's so cold," she said, wrinkling her nose in disgust, as if she couldn't bear the thought of cold weather. It was slightly comical. "Can I give you a ride somewhere? I can't believe you just walked four miles. Aren't you going to get sick?"

Jasper waved a hand at her concern. "Nah, we'll be fine. You don't have to drive us—"

"Sure," I interjected quickly. It was best to get everything out in the open before she could go spreading rumors. "If you want to."

I gave Jasper a pleading look, but he just looked confused, so I nodded my head toward Bella's truck.

"Thanks," he said slowly.

"No problem," said Bella, grinning. "I was just on my way to the grocery store, anyway. It's not a big deal, honestly."

She ran inside for a minute, came back out with a purse, and climbed into the cab. I felt a strange aversion to sitting so close to Bella, so I sat in back while Jasper claimed the passenger's seat.

The first few minutes were really tense. I didn't know what she'd seen, and how I could bring that up? I mean, it would sound strange either way. But fortunately, Bella did the job for me.

She cleared her throat. "So…" she started unsurely. "I don't mean to pry or anything like that, but are you guys, like…dating?"

I saw Jasper flinch. He twisted around to look back at me helplessly, so I nodded once. He looked relieved.

"Yeah," he said. "I guess we are."

"But you won't tell anyone, right?" I pleaded.

"Of course not," she said, looking horrified at the very thought of what people would say to that.

I sighed. "Thanks so much, Bella."

"No problem."

When she dropped us off at Jasper's, she called out the window, "Sit with me at lunch sometime! I'm getting sick of Jessica. We spend every waking moment together… Oh, and say hi to your sister for me, Edward."

I grinned back and nodded, but the grin slowly faded as I realized she meant Alice. How did she know Alice? Or Jessica, for that matter. Jess had never mentioned her. Which was unusual, because Jessica mentioned _everything_.

Huh. Weird day.

But I couldn't dwell on that too long, because Jasper was apparently deciding to skip lecturing Rosalie and go straight to my house—and then we had the rest of the day to ourselves to do whatever the hell we wanted.


	9. Quiet

**(A/N): **_Sorry for the long wait, guys! I've been so fail lately. Seriously. (And I can't believe I just used "fail" as an adjective.)_

* * *

Bella knew.

That was the only thought dominating my mind the following morning. Bella knew Jasper and I were gay. Bella knew we were _together_. Fuck. Since when was I so impulsive that I would just blurt something out like that? She seemed like a reliable person, but _seemed_ was the key word here. I hardly knew this girl! How did I know she wouldn't go blabbing to Jessica about it, or maybe even tell Alice, since they seemed to be on speaking terms? I couldn't believe that I'd been so fucking thoughtless.

Jasper, on the other hand, had seemed relieved beyond measure. His shoulders seemed to have relaxed, the crease between his brow lessened, and even his voice was smoother. Then, of course, that'd made me feel like an ass for making him keep such a huge secret for my benefit; but I knew he didn't _really_ want everyone to know. He wasn't ready for that and was just as scared as I was. Then again…he wasn't a very good liar, and he certainly didn't enjoy it. Maybe that's what his issue was—the lying.

Alright…I could deal with that.

I sighed and swung my legs over the mattress, sitting up to look out the window. It was raining. I really shouldn't have expected anything different, especially since I could hear the raindrops pelting the roof, but hell—could've been my imagination. Dumbly, I wondered why everything here was so much the same. Shouldn't the sun have been shining, the warm air wafting in through an open window? Because if there was sun, I'd definitely frickin' open a window. I mean…everything was just too _good_ for rain. Sunlight was more fitting.

With a roll of the eyes, I willed away my mental ramblings. My next thought was to call Jasper and tell him to come over, but painstakingly so, I remembered yesterday and changed my mind.

"_Edward," called a voice from the kitchen, "could you go out to the car and get the last of the groceries?"_

_I tore my mouth off Jasper's, panting, and jumped about five feet away. I stayed perfectly still, waiting for my humiliation to melt. We didn't get caught, but…my _mother_ was in the other room._

"_Shoot," Jasper muttered. "I'm not supposed to be here."_

"_Crawl out the window," I stage-whispered with a smirk. "I'll follow, and then we can go to your house and get back to what we were—"_

_A throat cleared in the doorway._

I repressed a groan, remembering the following lecture that lasted a full hour about how I wasn't taking my punishment seriously, disrespecting _her_ in turn, blah blah blah… Long story short, I now had a curfew for the first time in my life. And I still couldn't have friends over, though I think that was for Esme's benefit more than mine. She disliked loud noises more than anyone I'd ever known.

A knock sounded at my door.

"Come in," I grumbled.

The door opened slowly, revealing an Alice that looked even smaller than usual. It might have been because she'd recently cut her hair even shorter, making her appear pixie-like, or maybe it was the way her arms were crossed over her chest. She seemed to almost fold into herself and her eyes were cast downward.

"Ali? What's wrong?"

She shook her head without looking up. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean to tell her…"

I blinked. "What…?"

"Bella," she said, her lip trembling. "I swear swear _swear_ I didn't mean to, I was just so happy for you! And…and how was I supposed to know she knew you?"

It took me longer than it should've to register what exactly that meant.

"Bella," I repeated in a hollow tone. "Bella Swan."

She nodded mutely.

I stared back with a blank expression in my eyes, still uncomprehending. Perhaps denying.

"I'm sorry," she repeated again with a wobbling voice. I looked up—her eyes were glistening. I felt a potent wave of guilt.

"C'mere," I muttered. She sprinted across the room and locked her arms around my neck tightly, crying into my shoulder. I patted her back in what I hoped was a soothing manner. I found it kind of funny in a dark sense how_ I _was the one comforting _her_.

"I didn't mean to," she sobbed. "I'm really, really—"

"Alice, it's alright," I assured her, though I did want to shake her. One of the only things stopping me was the crying. Because crying girls really _did_ scare me.

And I understood now. She knew the truth…but how?

"Just tell me what happened," I said when she eventually calmed down a bit.

She took a deep breath and tumbled over to the other side of the bed. "Jessica was making me mad," she muttered. "Saying you guys are basically together."

I cringed. "What?"

"I hate her," she seethed, ignoring my question.

"But you said you thought she was nice!"

She opted to pretend I didn't say anything once again. "She thinks she's _so_ cool and better than everyone else when she's just a bitch—"

"Language, Alice."

"—trying to corrupt my brother."

I scoffed. "She's not trying to corrupt me. She's just…overly hopeful."

Her eyes flashed with an expression that made me nervous. Like she knew something I didn't.

"Well, whatever," she continued, her voice now reasonably brighter. "She was pissing me off. And she never leaves Bells alone, either. Whenever I hang out with her, Jessica is _always_ there annoying us…"

Suddenly the pieces clicked into place. _Bells_. I did recall Alice mentioning her in passing, but I never connected her to Bella Swan. How could I be so stupid? It was, after all, a fairly obvious nickname. Alice was friends with her all along.

"How do you know Bella?" I asked slowly.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I know everyone."

I sent her a hard glare and took a deep breath. "Tell me how you know. About…" I didn't finish.

She looked down at the floor. "I—I'm not sure. It just…made sense, you know?"

I shook my head, feeling numb.

She sighed with impatience. "Don't you ever get…_feelings_ about something, and you almost always turn out to be right?"

"Alice, you're sort of scaring me."

She sighed again and looked me fiercely in the eye. "Like I said, I know things. I knew you were gay before, but I didn't put it together…you and Jasper…" She grew progressively more perplexed as she continued her sentence—as did I.

So I merely gaped. "You…you…"

She hesitated. "Um…yeah. Guess I have good gaydar. Then again, it's pretty obvious." She threw me a weak smile.

I buried my face in my hands, unable to look my little sister in the eye. The fact that she was 'so happy for me' momentarily slipped my mind.

"Hey, I'm alright with it, you know," she soothed, resting a hand on my shoulder. "I'm not a homophobe or anything like that."

I continued to study my eyelids until I heard the click of the door that alerted me of Alice's departure. I wasn't ready for this—not for any of it. I'd counted on a little while longer to get myself in the right place before I came out, and I hadn't even intended to go into length about it with my thirteen-year-old sister. Then again, I hadn't intended on Bella catching us, either.

_Shit happens, _I concluded firmly before slumping back down on the mattress.

* * *

_We were floating in an ocean._

_Honestly, that's the best way I could find to describe it. There was water all around and under me, and I was lying on something giant and wooden. My eyes were squeezed shut, so I could only feel the rocking of the waves, the splashes of cool water on my face, and the texture of the wood. It took longer than it should've to wrench my eyes back open—and I was indeed in an ocean. Jasper was lying next to me, still sleeping soundly. We appeared to be floating on a…door._

_In a remote corner of my mind, I rolled my eyes; did the Titanic just sink or what?_

_I shook Jasper's shoulder to wake him. "Jazz," I whispered. "Everything's still up there."_

_My head slowly reclined upward to observe the objects hovering over us in the sky. It didn't make sense and it was difficult to specify much of anything, but I wasn't surprised to see it. I sighed, as if it was a common occurrence to see such a thing._

_Jasper groaned and shielded his eyes from the sunlight with his arm._

"_So what," he muttered into the crook of his elbow. "Let it be," he sang, "let it be…"_

"_No time for that," I whispered harshly. "We're running _out_ of time!"_

"_No we're not."_

_Jasper uncovered his eyes and peered up into the sky. His jaw dropped slowly, wordlessly, in a silent gasp as his parents began to slowly fall down to us, accompanied by about half our school. They were, in fact, taking their time, but all their eyes were bright with fury._

_In less than a second, the door flipped upside down so we were underwater. This, however, didn't seem to affect our oxygen supply._

"_Alice told them," he mused._

_But I wasn't taking this lightly—my whole body began to tremble and I pushed him away._

"_Get away," I spat. "Get away before everyone else hates you, too."_

_My voice was accompanied by the loudest, most obnoxious music I'd ever heard. It sounded familiar, but everything here was upside down and backwards, so it was odd to hear something that seemed to be grounded in reality._

_The music wouldn't come to an end…and everything began to fade into darkness._

"EDWARD, PICK UP YOUR DAMN PHONE!"

I shot into an upright position and looked around my room, thoroughly disoriented. The music had stopped. It kind of sounded like my cell phone…

The music started again. _There goes any chance of sleeping longer_.

I raked my fingers through my hair before flipping it open. I muttered a lackluster greeting without checking the caller ID.

"Hey, didn't mean to wake you up," said Jessica in a rush. "Is Alice around?"

I sighed heavily. "Don't know. I did just wake up," I reminded her, rolling my eyes.

"Sorry."

"It's alright—but why Alice? She hates you," I said.

Obviously before thinking about it. I drew in a sharp breath. _You could do with some tact…_

"What? No, she doesn't," laughed Jessica. "You must be thinking of someone else."

I exhaled, relieved. "Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. _Alice!"_

"Geez, don't get up or anything," she muttered.

"What?" groaned Alice loudly, stomping up the stairs.

My door opened to reveal my sister, fully dressed now.

"Phone. Jessica."

She scowled and snatched it away from me. A ridiculously bright and cheery conversation ensued for the next five minutes, to which I rolled my eyes because I knew it was all bullshit. I couldn't fathom a reason to be so nice to someone you hated—to act like you were suddenly BFFs or something.

When she ended the call, she told me casually, "Jessica and Bella are coming over."

"But I'm grounded."

She scoffed. "Not for _you_. For me."

I blinked. "Uh…what?"

She flashed a hard grin at me before ordering, "Just stay out of the way."

Yeah. I definitely wouldn't be showing my face around them. If Bella and Alice were in the know, Jessica couldn't be far behind.

* * *

For the remainder of the day, I planned on hiding upstairs. I'd only come down for food, and if I did, I'd make sure no one was around the kitchen. It seemed like a pretty good idea.

Until I actually got hungry.

It was nearly impossible to ignore the sharp hunger pangs and I was sick of being in one place for so long, so because of this, I chose an unfortunate time to retrieve food. Very, very unfortunate.

The three of them sat around the dinner table, speaking in low murmurs that set me right on edge. _No_. Alice wouldn't tell Jessica…would she? Surely not after the breakdown in my room, the promises not to tell another soul. I couldn't see her doing something like that.

Even so, watching them discuss something in such a secretive way had me on the defensive.

Jessica was the first to notice my presence at the doorway, and she grinned. "Hey. Finally crawled out of your coffin?" She hesitated, but smiled again. "Oh, sorry to offend. You probably just turn into a bat and—"

Bella nudged her with a scowl. "Shut up, Jess," she muttered.

Jessica seemed to consider this, then pursed her lips. It was clear that she was upset with me. But for what reason? Did Bella tell her about Jasper and I? She'd definitely take that as a slap in the face. Was that why she was hanging out with my sister—to plan my demise? Bella really _couldn't_ be trusted. I felt my stomach drop, along with some mixture of guilt, shame, and outrage at being outed like this again. Through all these secrets and lies and suspicions and—

That's when sense stepped forward and reclaimed a small portion of my mind. _Run_, said my mortification. _She can't even stand to look at you_.

"Gotta go," I said through a rushed breath. That was when I made my hasty exit without another glance.

Back up in my bedroom, I couldn't help but reflect over the episode in the kitchen. A voice in the back of my mind kept insisting that I was overreacting; they were girls, they gossiped! Not to mention, they had better things to talk about than _me_. I still wasn't sure why Alice would want to be in the company of Jessica, but that wouldn't stop her from gossiping, for Christ's sake. That girl could talk someone's ear off. And maybe they were being quiet because they thought I was sleeping, or maybe it was about someone I knew…

But being rational and having a feeling about something…they were two different things. After another half hour, I'd fully convinced myself that they were definitely discussing my newly discovered sexual preference.

Eventually I forced myself to put a halt to the racing thoughts. _Whatever that was down there, the damage is done. Thinking about it won't help_.

My head bobbed with a firm nod.

A sharp rap at my window brought me back to alert unconsciousness, rather than the halfway-dozing that I'd been in between for the past hour. First I brushed it off as a product of my imagination, but I heard the same sound again, along with another muffled sound I couldn't make out. It was very clear that someone (or something) was at my window. For a minute or so, I found myself unable to move. It could've been a serial killer or a robber or something equally as frightening, so it took a moment to convince myself that it would probably wouldn't hurt to at least look. My head turned slowly, and a scraping noise invaded the still silence—

"God, Edward, I could use some—fuck, _ouch_—help!"

My entire body relaxed and I let myself observe Jasper's face, screwed up in frustration and quite possibly pain. Was he on a tree branch? I frowned and crossed the room to open the window fully, whereas he'd only gotten it open an inch. He tumbled inside, panting.

"Jesus," he huffed. "That was harder than I thought."

"So, um…why'd you do it, then?"

He grinned, his eyes twinkling. "Heard you needed rescuing."

"From who?"

He stretched lazily. "Oh, I have my sources."

"Meaning…?"

He sighed and pulled me over to the bed, pulling me tightly to his chest. "Never mind that. I just needed to see you, alright?"

I could feel a slow smile spreading across my face. Instead of saying anything, I reveled in the feeling of Jasper surrounding me, holding me.

"You shouldn't be here," I murmured half-heartedly. "I think Jessica knows."

I felt him tense around me. "Wait…what?"

"And Alice definitely knows," I whispered. "Apparently she told Bella before we did."

I looked up in time to see him grimace. "How would she have known—?"

"Don't know. Sometimes I think she's psychic."

He nodded, holding me closer. "I'm sorry," he breathed into my ear. "I didn't want that to happen. Everything seems to be kinda…falling apart. In that sense, anyway."

I blinked and pulled myself away from his arms, leaving us a foot apart so I could look at him clearly. "But wait—you keep saying you want people to know. I mean, I know you're lying, but…"

Jasper sighed and gently placed a hand on my knee. "The only reason I don't want people know is because…well, I feel like it'd push you right over the edge." His face became pained. "I know what that feels like, and I fucking _hate_ seeing you upset…"

I closed my hand over his. "Doesn't matter."

He began to say something else, no doubt trying to protest, but I leaned over and silenced him with a slow, tender kiss. As my head spun, I noted that we were getting much better at it.

"I just don't want them to hate you, too," he whispered against my lips.

I froze.

"What?" he asked. "Edward?"

I pulled away and cleared my throat. "Nothing, nothing. Déjà vu."

"Oh…okay," he said, clearly confused. "It's just that, there are people who actually hate me because they think I'm gay—well yeah, they'd be right—and it'd be…better for you…if you weren't with me. It's like, I don't want you to go anywhere, but if you're not ready for this, then the safest thing would be to get away before everyone starts hating you, too."

He sighed, marking the end of his monologue.

"Jasper, shut up," I said, exasperated. This seemed so uncharacteristic for him, to voice his concerns like that. "Even your parents would be okay with it if you gave them time."

The feeling of déjà vu was stifling at this point. Hadn't I heard this all before?

Then I remembered.

"I had the most bizarre dream this morning," I blurted. "We were in an ocean and there were people…in the, uh, sky…" I trailed off, realizing how utterly ridiculous it sounded outside of my own head.

Jasper snorted. "You always have weird dreams. Not that I'm surprised." He threw me a sly glance, turning up the corners of his lips into a small, affectionate smirk. I couldn't help but grin back, thinking about how his smile lit up the relatively dark bedroom.

"You calling me weird?"

"You bet I am."

I laughed and shoved him to the side. "You're such an ass!"

Jasper roughly pulled me back, flush against his chest, and all the oxygen left my lungs in a rush. His fingers, still cold from being outside, brushed down my arm, leaving a peculiar tingling feeling. Eventually he laced his fingers through mine. Something that felt very much like electricity flowed between us like a current, painstakingly slow and sure.

Sapphire eyes met my own, which I was sure were wide in awe and…something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. There was this array of emotions I wasn't in the least familiar with, and it was both exhilarating and terrifying. Still, nothing could make this _urge_ go away—I wanted to hold him closer, melt into him, become one in the same.

It took less than a second to make up my mind. I pushed him down on his back, straddled his hips, and crushed him to me in a searing kiss. I was hyper-aware of everything around me, but everything only included Jasper. Jasper kissing me as he'd never done before, Jasper pressing himself closer and closer, Jasper burying his fingers in my hair…

I broke apart for air; short, broken panting from both of us was the only sound that charged the heavy air.

"Oh my God," Jasper breathed, running his fingertips along the expanse of my back.

"I know." I left a trail of kisses along his jaw and worked my way down to his neck.

Jasper's fist tightened in my hair and he pulled me back up, devouring my mouth. There wasn't really another word to describe it. His tongue stroked mine roughly, our lips bruising each other's. I had a strange feeling somewhere in my mind that this might end up going too far, but I didn't care because Jasper was far too enticing. _More like fucking sexy_, I thought again in my lust-induced stupor.

Another thing I felt was shock, even though I half-expected it to happen, anyway, going in the direction that we were. The heat, the passion.

Jasper's hips raised to meet mine. I felt it. His…arousal. Evidence that this definitely was not one-sided. It was enough to force a guttural moan from me and grind my erection against his thigh. He did the same in return and pressed an open-mouthed kiss to my neck, my chin, the corner of my mouth, swept his tongue along my lips…I parted them so my tongue could meet his. The kiss flowed back and forth like an unconfined dance, water flowing in a languorous path. Both our tongues fought to claim one over the other, but eventually we had to break apart to catch our breath.

But Jasper appeared to be anything but tired. He pressed his hands on my chest and pushed me on my back to straddle me, breathing heavy. My breathing was becoming choppy and irregular, too—more, I wanted more. I no longer gave a damn if this was moving too fast, because whatever this was, I wasn't going to push it aside for anything. This particular feeling reminded me of the night in the woods, where I couldn't get close enough…too much space between our bodies…

I pressed my palm to the small of his back, let it trail lower until it rested on his bottom. Even through jeans, it felt so firm and muscular and _holy mother of God_. I couldn't help myself form pressing harder so that our lower halves were pushed together even closer.

He made this strange sound I'd never heard come from his mouth, like a desperate whimper, and he rocked his hips into mine. I gasped in a mouthful of air and ground back in a frenzied, feverish manner. As we moved together, the friction was both delicious and torturous, which made me grind into mine harder, faster—there was no longer any rhythm to the pattern. Just burning, burning desire.

A tightness that had been creeping up in my lower abdomen was now threatening to become too much, make all this come to an end. I tried to slow my movements, but Jasper captured my lips in a feverish kiss, locked eyes and said, "No…Edward…" He let out a strangled whimper. "Keep going."

The words alone would've been enough to make me feel far too close to exploding, but when I heard what his voice _sounded_ like…low and husky and utterly sexy…it was all over. I saw stars as I grated against him again and again, riding out the best pleasure I'd ever felt in my entire life. The only thing I was capable of thinking was _Jasper…so good…_

"Me too," he groaned, halting his movements. His hands tightened around my biceps as his lips parted in a silent gasp.

We collapsed together, side by side.

"W-o-w," said Jasper, making the word three syllables.

"Yeah," I panted. I was still collecting myself.

And after that'd happened, I wasn't sure how to feel about it. _Were_ we going too fast? I didn't just want a fling, for God's sake. It didn't feel like a fling…but I didn't exactly know Jasper's intentions…

Jasper's hand lightly stroked my hair and observed my face with a piercing blue gaze, telling me everything I needed to know. All the doubt vanished.

After a stretch of comfortable silence, Jasper said casually, "Your mom left an hour ago. Saw her pull out of the driveway—and your damn dog started being obnoxious."

"Oh," I said, wondering why she didn't tell me. Probably because she thought something like this would happen. Okay, maybe not exactly this, but…fuck, you know what I mean.

"We should go downstairs and say hi," said Jasper. "Figure out what Jessica knows."

I cringed. "Do we have to? Because Jess is mad at me. Like, if she knows about us, she's pissed about it. I don't want to face her wrath."

Jasper chuckled. "You can't hide forever, you know."

I didn't say anything.

He sighed. "We should get, um, cleaned up."

I grimaced. "Yeah…"

* * *

Going downstairs was just about as awkward as I'd thought, especially since Jasper was here with me this time. Alice looked confused, Bella looked smug, and Jessica looked exactly the same as she did before, if not a bit perplexed at Jasper's presence. She probably thought he was upstairs the whole time. Jesus, that had to be a punch to the gut if she knew we were together. Him and I in my room doing who knows what for hours…

Shit.

And I _think_ Jasper was enjoying it.

"Hey, guys," he said brightly. "What's up?"

"Nothing," answered Alice slowly. I got ready for her inevitable eyelash flutter and disgustingly flirty behavior…but it never came. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or confused. She scowled at my befuddled expression.

"We're just talking," said Jessica. "Hey, how long have you been here?"

"Climbed in through Edward's window," said Jasper, jerking his thumb toward the stairs. My eyes widened and I fought to keep my jaw shut.

_I cannot believe he just said that_.

"But before that, we recited lovelorn sonnets while I stood outside," he continued, oblivious to my humiliations. "Like Romeo and Juliet," he laughed.

I glared not-too-subtly.

Jessica had a bit of a laughing fit at Jasper's sudden ambition to be a comedian, but it didn't carry as much weight as the laughter from Alice and Bella. I had a vague feeling I wasn't off the hook yet, but it was certainly promising.

But I was still seriously pissed. I continued to stare daggers at Jasper.

"Why'd you come in through the window?" wondered Jessica.

"I'm grounded," I said through clenched teeth.

Jessica's eyes grew wide and said, "Oh!"

"What?"

She beamed. "I thought you weren't coming downstairs because you were ignoring me."

"Oh. No, not at all," I assured her swiftly, fighting a small smile.

We could trust Bella.

* * *

**(A/N): **_This chapter makes complete sense to me, but sometimes I think I wrote some inane detail when I really didn't...so critiques are always good. Tell me if I left anything out, got the timing seriously freaking wrong, or if you have any other concerns about this chapter. :)_

_Thanks so much for reading, as always!_


	10. Nobody's Side

**A/N:** _Oh my gosh, guys, it's been a while...again. I'm so sorry!! RL is a bitch sometimes, though, you know?_

_Hope you enjoy the chapter, as I've been working on it for a month. :)_

* * *

The following two weeks was a hazy blur of Jasper, schoolwork, Bella and Alice being bitches by dropping innuendos at every opportunity, Jessica being obliviously confused, and a lot more Jasper. I was still grounded, so Esme didn't know that he was sneaking in through my window almost every other night. We still got together at his house (and other extremely secluded locations), but not as much as I'd have liked. I was busy getting my grades up so I'd be ungrounded.

And then, thank God, I got my report card. All my grades were higher than eighty-five.

Esme was obviously ecstatic to hear it, so she granted me my freedom and trapped me in a crushing hug.

"Mom," I choked. "Ow."

She loosened her grip apologetically. "Sorry, sweetie. This just hasn't happened in a really long… Oh!" She gasped. "We can have a little party for you! Or maybe—"

"_No_." I gently pushed her away. "Seriously, it's just school."

She sighed. "All right. I suppose you want to go see your girlfriend now."

I blinked, startled. "My girlfriend?"

"Jessica," she clarified. "Or is it Bella? Come on, Edward, you're always being so secretive when you leave the house…"

I shook my head immediately, horrified that she thought I was _with_ one of them. "No, no way. I definitely do not have a girlfriend." I hoped it escaped her notice that I accidentally put emphasis on the _girl_ part.

Esme rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say." Her expression turned contemplative for a moment, and then she asked, "Where _are_ you going?"

"Jasper's."

She squinted. "Are you lying?"

"No," I chuckled dryly. "If anything, I'm telling you way too much."

As soon as I said it, I regretted it.

"Hmm…" She tapped her fingernails on the counter beside her. "So you mean to tell me that whenever Jasper picks you up, you're with him? The whole time?"

I wanted to lie to her, but I sucked at that, so I settled for nodding.

Looking far too suspicious for me to be comfortable with, she said, "Be back by eight." She dangled my car keys in front of me.

I tore them from her hands, grinning broadly. "Thanks, Mom!" I pecked her on the cheek and flew out the door.

She totally didn't believe me.

* * *

"You wanna go see that new movie this weekend? I forgot what it's called, but it's a romantic comedy…"

I cleared my throat. "Uh…can't. Sorry, Jess. Made plans already."

Recently, Jazz and I had taken to eating lunch with Jessica and Bella. It usually went smoothly, but for some reason, Jessica was unrelenting today; fluttering her eyelashes, sticking out her chest…it was all a bit disturbing, not to mention more difficult to keep our secret. Nearly out of patience, I wondered why we were keeping in a secret in the first place.

Meanwhile, she pretended she wasn't upset, covering her downtrodden look by plastering on a fake smile. "Oh, that's fine. Really."

What was I supposed to say to that? _Sorry, but I have a boyfriend. Oh, oops…I guess I forgot to mention that I'm into dick_.

_That_ would be why it was a secret.

"Really, I'm sorry."

Jessica snorted and waved a hand, as if she couldn't give two shits. "Maybe next time. Hey, I'll be right back." She darted out of the cafeteria.

Bella frowned at the retreating back of her best friend, then leaned over the table to mutter, "You guys should tell her. It would clear up a lot of confusion."

"Confusion?"

"She thinks she's being annoying," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Got that right," grumbled Jasper. I elbowed him.

"And she's always wanted a gay friend," said Bella, shrugging.

The sudden burning sensation on my cheeks had nothing to do with Jessica's one-sided infatuation with me—it was the fact that Bella had said _gay_. Out loud. Where anyone could've heard her. I was seized by a sudden, urgent need to deny anything I'd ever confirmed to her about Jasper and me.

"I'm not gay," I hissed.

She raised an eyebrow. Jasper stiffened beside me, then scoffed.

"You seemed pretty gay last night with your hands all over my—"

"Really," I insisted, interrupting him with a burst of inspiration. "It's…it's just Jazz. He's the only guy I'm into."

Bella's brow puckered. "So you still like girls?"

"Yeah," I said with a crooked smirk. I refused to look at him, but I could almost feel that Jasper was _pissed_. Really pissed.

"Edward," she groaned. "Jessica really likes you!"

I nodded slowly. Where was she going with this? Was she suggesting I appease Jess by telling her I felt the same, then make up some bullshit excuse about not being able to handle a relationship at the present time?

…Because I may or may not have already considered it. And decided it was a douchebag move.

"And?" I asked.

"I don't know," she sighed. "I just…I don't know. I'm sick of hearing her talk about you, that's all. I've been trying to kind of steer her towards Mike Newton, but she's like, really adamant that you feel something for her."

I cringed.

"I tried! I really did," promised Bella. "I told her there's no chance in _hell_ you like her as more than a friend. Cruel but…necessary, I guess. And then I thought, 'oh, if he tells her he's not into girls at all, then she'll back off.' But now you say you're actually straight…or bi, or whatever... This isn't going to work, guys."

Jasper hadn't moved or said a word throughout Bella's entire speech. It worried me, because he was normally the voice of reason in these matters. That and he usually leapt at the chance of getting rid of 'that Stanley chick'. But he was still angry with me. Guess I couldn't blame him.

While Bella stared at her tray of untouched food, Jessica decided it was a good time to come back. Judging by her expression, she was irritated that we were having a conversation without her.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

We all uttered a quick, "Nothing."

* * *

"What the fuck was that?" Jasper growled in my ear after lunch. "You're not gay, huh?"

I wanted to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, or kiss his forehead, or embrace him—anything to make sure he knew that I hadn't meant to say that. But I couldn't. Not here in the hallway, where everyone could see.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I just…I dunno, I felt exposed, okay? I mean, you have to understand…to an extent…"

He huffed, stopping in his tracks for a brief moment. Thinking. It wasn't until he picked up his pace again that he said quietly, "Yeah. I get it."

I sighed with relief. "Thanks," I said, hoping the way I was looking at him could convey everything I was too afraid to say out loud. He smiled—that one smile that was only for me, the one that seemed to light up everything around him—so I figured it had.

The remainder of the walk to Biology was spent in one of those thoughtful silences, ignoring the voices around us and thinking my own thoughts, analyzing them. I had an inkling Jasper might've been doing the same, though I had no basis to prove that on except for the fact that we felt _in tune_.

And he was still pissed.

Upon reaching the classroom, Jasper and I took our normal seats beside each other. It was convenient because we could usually get away with a lot of talking and goofing around, being the only two students occupying the back row. But today, I felt like it would be a lot quieter, combining Jasper's disappointment and my own guilt.

Amazingly, Jasper turned to look at me, wearing a small, hesitant smile.

I returned it, equally as tentative.

Then Mr. Banner straightened up in his desk chair and cleared his throat. Gradually, the room fell silent.

"We'll be watching a movie this class—"

That's all it took for the room to explode in excited chatter. Everyone loved to get away from his painfully boring lectures. Mr. Banner cleared his throat again, louder, but I was sure only Jasper and I had heard it. After that he tried a relatively louder "Excuse me!" but it had no effect. I almost pitied the man, having no control over his class. Somewhere deep, deep inside of me, I felt the beginnings of empathy.

After hastily rummaging through his desk drawer and passing out a study guide, Mr. Banner prepared the video and flicked off the lights. I wondered for the millionth time why he'd chosen teaching as a profession. He wasn't very good at it.

But those thoughts soon evaporated as new ones took their place: Jasper was sitting much closer than he usually did. It wasn't as if anyone could see us, being so far back with the room so dark. If I moved my leg just so, our calves would align… It was the warmth of him that had me slightly frustrated. And it was so tantalizing. I was less than an inch from touching him…

No one would see.

But did he want that?

I was torn between giving up and making a move. It shouldn't have been this way—I was his _boyfriend_, after all—but I was a paranoid, closeted homosexual.

And without consciously making the decision to do so, our legs were pressed against each other's. The spark that shot through my entire body was enough to let my eyelids slide shut, and I began drawing in deeper breaths. I _needed_ to be closer. But I was paralyzed by the fear of being caught.

Maybe if I could grab his hand and hold it underneath the table…

I risked a quick glance in Jasper's direction. His eyes stayed fixated on the screen, but he was off somewhere in the distance. Daydreaming? Ridiculously, I wondered if he ever daydreamed about me.

_Stop being such a fucking_ _girl_.

It was only then when I noticed his hands. They were curled into tight fists, one resting on each of his thighs. I looked back up at his face and finally could identify the tension there. It's not as if it was outwardly tense—calm, level, even. Too even. Maybe this was freaking him out…but no, his foot just then hooked around my ankle, pulling me closer. My breath hitched and became increasingly irregular from that point on. I needed him closer, closer—close enough to melt into his side, melt into him entirely. And now I was almost painfully hard, but this didn't feel like a _purely_ sexual desire. It was more…abstract. Innocent, even. Just to be connected as one whole.

The desire turned considerably less innocent as I thought of the only way I knew two men could, _ahem_…connect. My face and the tips of my ears burned. Because I liked to torture myself, I stole another glance at Jasper. His hands were no longer in his lap—rather, his arms were crossed tightly across his chest. The fists remained.

I copied his posture. We remained that way for the remained of the period, even through a particularly cruel ten minutes where I'd wanted to slide my hand up his thigh. And because I was in fact a paranoid, closeted homosexual, I made sure we untangled our legs before the movie was shut off.

"That was interesting," said Jasper, looking both disoriented and pensive.

"Yeah," I agreed breathlessly. "Really interesting."

Of course we weren't talking about the movie.

99% of myself firmly believed that neither of us watched a second of it.

* * *

"I think we spend too much time alone."

My stomach lurched and my heart clenched painfully. Did he not want to do this anymore? Was I doing something wrong?

Before I could say anything out loud, his fingers stroked my forearm and he kissed my temple.

"No," he murmured, laughing quietly. "That's not what I meant."

I wasn't sure whether to feel hurt or confused, so I didn't say anything. It probably would've been smart to get out of the car at this point, since we'd pulled into my driveway five minutes ago, but that would mean talking about earlier. Right now, it was warm and safe and comfortable, and neither of us was willing to bring it up.

"Uh…" I stuttered.

Jasper sighed, alerting me of the serious conversation I wanted to avoid but couldn't, and we climbed out of the car. Stealing toward the front door, his hand brushed the top of mine gently, leaving a trail of pleasant tingles. Trying to comfort me.

"I mean…" He paused thoughtfully, then said much quieter, "I'm worried. About you. Us."

"Why?"

"We need to get _out_," he said, sighing. "Like real couples, y'know?"

I was silent. Not that I hadn't occasionally thought about it in a dreamy stupor during class, but I never considered the fact that Jasper was thinking the same thing.

"Yeah," I said slowly. "I know."

The hand descending upon the doorknob froze. His head turned to me, face glowing but disbelieving.

"You…you think it's a good idea?"

I grinned to hide my rising panic. "Sure I do."

If Jasper's following glare wasn't evidence of his skepticism, it was the way he said, "So you'd be comfortable holding my hand in public."

I felt myself turning red. "Well…maybe we could be discreet."

"Discreet." His voice was flat.

"Yeah," I said encouragingly. "I want to go on a date with you…but I don't want to wave around a rainbow flag in everyone's face."

He rolled his eyes. "Sure, whatever."

We settled into the couch. I knew Jasper still had things on his mind, but I wouldn't push him to say it. I still felt semi-guilty about pushing him so hard to admit he's gay.

"You can say it out loud," he said quietly. "I know. I'm brooding."

I let out a gentle laugh, but it mostly felt unwelcome in this particular atmosphere. Instead, my face fell. He was disappointed.

"I'm sorry, Jasper."

"I know," he said shortly. "We don't need to talk about it if you don't want to."

The thick silence was unbearable. His mouth opened after a few minutes to say something else, but I leaned over and kissed him. After another few minutes, our faces were flushed and Jasper was smiling.

"You know," I said impulsively, "I'm really glad you chose me instead of someone like Emmett."

The smile slid off his face to be replaced with a bemused expression. "Emmett McCarty?"

"What other Emmett is there?"

Jasper nodded slowly. _Maybe I shouldn't have said that_, I decided too late afterwards.

Even so, I couldn't help but embarrassing myself further. "So you, uh…you think he's…hot?"

He cleared his throat. Hesitated. "Um. Well…yeah. I guess."

"Oh," I said, trying really hard to not sound crestfallen.

He rolled his eyes. "I still like you better. Way better."

Our eyes met, and we both allowed ourselves a small smile.

"Good."

"Why would you even ask?"

I blushed and looked down. Suddenly, the patterns in the carpet were captivating. "I used to think you liked him."

Jasper laughed, louder than I thought he would, giving me a start. He sighed and brushed a lock of hair behind my ear.

"Brunettes aren't my type," he told me as though it should've been the most obvious thing in the world. "I like redheads."

I smiled a little. "I'd like to think of it as bronze."

"Really?" he asked flatly, arching an eyebrow. "Looks red to me. If you wanna get all descriptive, I guess I'd say copper."

Why did _everyone_ say that?

"Well, I'd rather not be compared with a penny. They're worth almost nothing."

"It's not like I can compare you to sixty-trillion dollars in cash," he pointed out. "Unless…" He squinted a little and looked into my eyes. Then he laughed softly and leaned in to kiss me.

As much as I would've loved to feel the sensation of Jasper's lips sliding against my own, he was making no sense.

"Huh?"

He grinned. "Your eyes are green, stupid-ass." His eyes burrowed into mine again for a much longer time than they usually would, and his smile softened, then fell. "I think…maybe I could stare into them forever," he admitted, turning a brilliant shade of red.

I really didn't get it. My eyes were nothing special, but I supposed they got the job done. Kind of boring, dull…lifeless.

Jasper made a displeased noise, as if he knew just what I was thinking.

"Do you see yourself at all?" he accused in a fierce whisper. His thumb stroked my jaw. Still maintaining eye contact, he whispered, "You're sort of—well, beautiful…" and pulled me in for a slow, intense kiss.

No one had ever called me beautiful.

Then something rose in my chest, light and heavy at the same time, singing and flying—_soaring_. It tore from inside, rushing up and pouring out in torrents and kept mounting until I couldn't do a thing to keep shoving it down. Words I couldn't quite discern bubbled up in my throat, but nothing came out. And whatever this was, I didn't want it to go away, even though it was sort of scary and unsure…

Jasper stared down at the floor, almost looking shy, not able to meet my eyes but wanting to at the same time—

The words made sense now.

_I love you_, I wanted to say. _I love you. I love you I love you I love you. I love love love love you…_

I kept silent.

* * *

"Port Angeles?"

"Kids from school are gonna be there."

"Seattle."

"Hell of a drive…"

"Edward, do you want to go on a date with me?"

"Clearly."

"Then fucking _cooperate_."

"Yes, sir."

"Alright, what about Olympia?"

"But that's the same dist—"

Jasper glared and there was a long pause.

"Uh, I mean…sure."

So that's how we ended up in the car for three hours with nothing to do. Of course, we had the option of entertaining ourselves with meaningless chatter, but after a while without food (Jasper wouldn't even stop at McDonald's—he swore by this one restaurant he made reservations for), the sound of my own voice irritated me. Jazz just laughed, patted my head condescendingly, and told me how cute it was that I got grumpy when I was hungry.

I did not find it cute. I found it frustrating.

But I quickly discovered that the starvation was definitely worth it—the food at the restaurant was good. And I mean really good. I tried to pay the bill, but Jasper slapped my hand away and paid it instead. I was thankful afterwards, because I was dead broke. We left full and content, off to the movie theater. Neither of us knew which movie we wanted to watch, but it didn't actually matter; I was just glad we were fulfilling the obligatory dinner-and-a-movie date that all couples must do.

That's when everything started to go straight to hell.

I couldn't remember the name of the film, but it had a lot of zombies eating people. That was not what I was focusing on, though—it was the way Jasper's hand on the armrest, just…there for me to grab. My hand lifted off my thigh, but dropped back down just as swiftly. I couldn't. There was a group of girls sitting three seats away from us, whispering to each other and giggling when the opportunity presented itself. They were loud enough that half the theater could hear them, and a few people shushed them angrily. If they saw us holding hands…everyone would know about it. It didn't even help much to think that I didn't know these people; I could only think of their immediate reaction. The disgust, the ridicule…

Then, abruptly, Jasper's hand covered mine. With a surge of fear and alarm, I withdrew it.

"No one is gonna see," he said in a wounded, pleading whisper.

"But what if they do?" I hissed back. "Then what?"

"We don't even know these people."

I didn't have an answer for that. We watched the rest of the movie in a tense silence.

Afterwards, we didn't linger. We clambered back into the car, and Jasper was debating as to whether or not it was necessary to buy Rosalie's birthday present today.

"Why not?" I figured. "It's still pretty early, and the mall is only a couple miles away."

"Yeah," he muttered. "Guess so. Even if it isn't till August…"

I thought it was kind of cute, how he was buying his sister a present seven months in advance. Rosalie might have been a bitch, to put it bluntly, but Jazz loved her.

"You know," I teased, "I feel like I should get you a birthday present, too, now."

"Why?" he snorted.

"You're getting Rose something, and you and her have the same birthday—"

"No," he laughed, cutting me off. "Seriously, don't. I'll want something completely different by summer, anyway."

I thought about it, and in the end, he was probably right.

"Fine. Doesn't matter, 'cause I have no cash."

"Good thing, too. I have a feeling that if you did, you'd spoil me rotten."

I flashed a bright grin. "You know me so well."

Though the conversation was light, I still felt the underlying tension I'd struggled to leave behind at the theater. I knew I was in the wrong by hiding our relationship, and my behavior wasn't fair to him…but apparently I'd turned into a coward. Slightly bitter, I wondered where the Edward that faced things head-on had gone.

After window-shopping for over two hours, Jasper and I were ready to pass out from exhaustion. We eventually stopped outside of a random store and leaned against the wall.

"Why the fuck are girls so difficult?" he hissed to himself. "This was a bad idea. Now I'm gonna drive myself insane—"

"Jazz, you don't have to rush," I soothed. I longed to touch him in some way, but couldn't… This situation seemed to be cropping up a lot recently. "It's seven months away."

"Yeah, I guess." He sighed and scooted closer to me.

I drew back and tensed.

"You're so difficult, Edward, you know that?"

"Sorry," I muttered.

"You know," he continued as if he hadn't heard me, "sometimes I wish we didn't have to talk about our feelings. I wish they could just be projected in some way—like you could just know what I'm feeling."

"Sometimes I do. Actually, I _usually_ do."

He sighed. "No. I don't think so."

"What do you mean?" I asked slowly. "Is there…is there something you wanted to talk about?"

I knew this was it for me. I wasn't able to run anymore.

Meanwhile, Jasper looked as though he was having some internal war within himself. My dread spiked as he eventually seemed to come to a conclusion.

This was it.

"Edward," he said firmly, "I want you to kiss me."

My initial reaction was surprise. That wasn't what I'd expected…but still…

"What?" I demanded. "Here? Are you insane? There are…there are _people!"_

He sighed, bringing his thumb and forefinger up to the bridge of his nose, a habit he'd somehow acquired from me. "I know," he said through gritted teeth.

"Jazz, c'mon, don't be stupid."

"I'm not being stupid."

"This isn't easy, you know," I growled.

"So…what?" he exclaimed, throwing his arms up in exasperation. "Is this how it's gonna be, just—just hiding from everyone? You're supposed to be coming _out_ of the closet, not getting back in it!"

"I just need some time, I thought you understood—"

"So I'm just your dirty little secret, huh?"

"No! Jasper, please," I begged. "I just need time to wrap my head around it. I…I love you, alright? There, I fucking said it. I _love_ you."

His eyes were wide and blank with shock, but he composed himself after a moment. The anger in his eyes turned to something of anguish. "Then kiss me," he whispered.

I looked around at everyone surrounding us; so many wandering eyes…mouths that could spread the word…

"No," I murmured.

The single word looked as if it'd burnt Jasper. He flinched, and his eyes tightened as he ran a hand through his hair. "Oh," he breathed. "It's not that you won't…it's that you _can't_. Isn't it?"

My gaze dropped to the floor. I attempted to swallow the lump in my throat and fought to conceal my pained expression.

"I'm sorry," I rasped, closing my eyes tightly.

He exhaled tremulously and sank down to sit on the nearest bench. After gathering the absolute mess I'd recently turned into—not completely, but enough for Jasper to see my face—I turned around to join him.

His head was in his hands. He wouldn't even look at me. "I don't believe this," he muttered. He lifted his head; his eyes were red-rimmed. "I tried not to push you. I tried being fucking _patient_. But you won't let me help you, so what am I supposed to do?"

"You don't have to do anything," I insisted, but it sounded like pleading. "Eventually—"

He cut me off. "Eventually?" he repeated, sounding skeptical. "When is that, exactly? When we graduate?"

"No! I mean I…I don't know, okay?"

His face was turning red, and I could see that he was trying to rein in his temper by taking steady, slow breaths.

"Look," he said in a low, subdued voice. "As much as I hate to admit it, I deserve better than you.

I drew in a sharp breath. It was like a gigantic kick in the stomach. I just nodded, as though I'd realized it before. I hadn't, though; I'd been selfish.

"I deserve to be in a relationship like that…" His eyes drifted to a man and a woman a few yards away, holding each other, kissing, like it was the most natural thing in the world. "Look at them," he whispered. "I want to be like them."

Now the tears began to make their appearance. I couldn't do a thing to stop it. "I-I'll find a way," I stuttered, feeling shaken. "I mean, this is the first time you've asked me to do something like that, and last time Bella caught us, so I just need some more time—you're overreacting—"

"Overreacting?" he echoed incredulously. "I ask you to do _one thing_, and you… It's like you don't even know who you are! You told Bella you're not gay. You've probably spent all this time denying it, even though you're with me! Jesus fucking Christ, don't you know how…insignificant that makes me feel? Like you're just experimenting or some shit?"

Without allowing myself to decide whether or not I cared if someone saw, tears ran down my face. "I'm not," I choked. "I love you."

I said that last part much more quietly. It was comical, the way I still cared if people could hear our conversation.

"I love you too," he whispered. "That's why this is so hard."

My heart should have been soaring at his declaration, but instead, I felt a slow, urgent dread creeping up inside me. His tone was filled with foreboding.

"Don't," I pleaded in a hardly audible whisper. "We can work this out, I promise."

He barked out a harsh, bitter laugh. "Edward, that's the problem. _We_ don't have to work out anything. It's you. It's all you. I dealt with this shit beforehand, and you just fucking pushed it all to the back of your mind! How is that gonna help anything, huh?"

I wasn't sure if he expected an answer, but I didn't have anything left in me. I numbly stared ahead.

"And now it's all blowing up in your face…" he trailed off.

I still felt frozen.

Quite abruptly, he stood up and declared, "Fuck this shit. I'm leaving. You can either come with me or call for a fucking ride." Then he walked away at a brisk pace.

It took me a few seconds to realize that I should follow. I did, though I had to run to catch up.

The ride home was tense and wordless. He dropped me off at my house, met my eyes with a hard gaze, and drove away the minute I slammed the door shut.

All this was too much.

* * *

**A/N: **_Reviews would be pretty awesome... :)_


	11. So Anyway

I woke up Sunday morning, feeling…

I don't know.

It was the sense of wrongness and panic that first alerted me that something very bad had happened. Then I looked down and saw I was still wearing the same jeans and t-shirt I wore on our date. If I closed my eyes and concentrated really hard, I could still smell him. But I really couldn't, because we didn't have much contact at all for the last five hours—when we were in the mall…

Oh. The mall.

The memory came flooding back, hitting me heavier than I could've anticipated. The worst of it, I thought, was not knowing what Jasper was thinking right now. Was he going to end things because I was terrified to come out? How could I lose him over something so silly and inconsequential? Logically, I did not care who knew that I was in love with Jasper. Only me and him mattered.

Love…

Did I love him? It was sort of a knee-jerk reaction to tell Jazz when we were arguing—to prove him wrong about me. But I remember almost the exact moment in which I realized it…

Love or hormones? Being a teenager sucked.

I picked up my cell phone off my nightstand out of habit, but I didn't expect any missed calls. Jasper wouldn't call me.

But I had one text message. From Jasper. I opened it in a frenzy, half impatient and half scared to death.

_Meet me at the tree._

I stared at the words in confusion for a moment. The tree? What the…?

Then it became clear—the _tree_. Obviously. What else could he have meant? We used to hang out there all the time when we were younger…

He never specified a time, so I immediately sped off. I wasn't going to take any chances.

* * *

Jasper was already there, leaning against the tree trunk. It was located behind all the houses in our neighborhood, far enough away to feel alone, but close enough that our parents could call us in for dinner. Convenient for eight-year-olds.

He nodded at me. "Edward."

I cleared my throat. "J-Jasper."

I stepped as close to him as I dared. He didn't move an inch.

"We need to talk."

My throat seemed to close up and I couldn't move. My legs and arms locked.

"I know," I said.

He sighed, and finally took a step forward. "Don't look so freaked. It's…it's not what you think. But I guess if you wanna look all scared, then you can."

I managed a small smile to let him know I heard him. But then he squinted a little, seeming to fully take in my appearance now.

"Edward?" he said urgently. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," I muttered.

He sat on the ground and pulled me down with him. I laid my head on his shoulder and held onto his hand tightly. I was _not_ going to let go of him—unless he made me, that is.

"Have you eaten anything since we ate lunch yesterday?"

"No." I bit my lip, shoving away the urge to change my answer to a lie.

"How much sleep did you get?"

Even if I did lie about this one, I wouldn't get away with it. "An hour or two."

Jasper groaned. "Fuck…that's my fault, isn't it? Great move."

I scowled. "Someone's full of themselves."

"Then why the hell do you look like shit?"

"Thanks," I said bleakly. "You sure are complimentary lately."

I regretted saying it the moment it left my mouth.

"Look," he said urgently. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I was such a jackass."

His arms were around me again, holding me tight. I hugged him back.

"It's okay," I murmured. "I deserved that, you know."

"No, you didn't," he whispered, his lips at my ear—then on my cheek, my jaw, my neck…

My eyes closed again. I pulled him into my lap as he worked his way back up to my lips, finally kissing me. And everything was okay. I still felt weird as hell and my head was swimming, but I chalked that up to Jasper's tongue being in my mouth.

We broke apart and I stroked his cheek with the pad of my thumb, just because I could.

"We need to talk," he whispered, burying his head in my neck. "But I don't want to. I want to stay here."

"Yeah," I said vaguely.

We sat there for a while, the only motion being the rise and fall of our chests, the only sound being our steady breathing. I didn't know how long it had been, but it was enough for me to think. Think about how he was in my arms and I didn't even expect him to look me in the eye today, and how amazing and firm and warm he felt. That and I couldn't stop thinking about how he was _here_, occasionally pressing a soft kiss to my neck or chin. It didn't take any effort to believe that I loved him in this moment; I didn't even think of other factors like lust, even though they probably had a part in it. I didn't care.

"Hey," I said softly. "You want to talk."

His blond hair tickled my skin as he nodded, without looking up.

"It's important," I acknowledged. He nodded again. "Okay, I know where were can go."

Now he looked up, and his eyelids were heavy. It was only then I understood that he was tired, too. Really tired.

"Where do you wanna go?"

I linked our fingers together and sighed. "Just…c'mon."

He argued with me about who was going to drive, and I let him win, even though I'd have liked to continue with my stubborn streak that'd been going since I was born. Jasper was confused as I gave him directions, as he had no idea where we were going, but I assured him I knew. When we got to the dead end, his uncertainty grew, but I simply got out of the car and walked up to the edge of the trail, expecting him to follow.

"Where are we?" he wondered.

I didn't answer. He asked again as I ignored the trail and found my way through two overgrown bushes, and I still didn't give him a response. Jasper eventually gave up and let me lead the way.

As I quickly discovered, it was a good thing we'd started fairly early. The walk continued well over the usual hour, since I kept stopping to look back and check that Jasper was still behind me. I could tell he was still confused, but resigned, because he hopefully trusted me.

The trick was to walk in the straightest line possible until you see a particular wall of trees—one of which was shaped like the letter C, which let you climb over to get into the meadow. I was standing in the middle of the circular, almost unnaturally symmetrical clearing as I watched Jasper swing his legs over the trunk. It made me smile, because he stumbled a little.

"Where are we?" he asked, sounding slightly breathless.

I shrugged and waited for him to join me as I sat down. It really was a beautiful place.

"I go here sometimes," I told him quietly, "just to think and be alone."

"Oh," said Jasper. He sounded a little hurt. I thought back to his spot in the forest and understood where he was coming from.

I chuckled dryly. "Not that I would go here to get away from you or anything…but it's like this. Alice'll be in the living room singing—loudly, might I add—and bugging the shit out of everyone to critique it. Then Dad sits there at the table, worrying about money but not wanting to say anything, and Mom completely ignores everything around her and paints up in the spare room…" I trailed off. I didn't know what I was really saying anymore.

Jasper met my eyes calmly, a gentle nudge to continue. "Yeah."

I swallowed rather noisily. My throat was becoming uncomfortably dry. "And, and then—well, it's complete chaos when everyone breaks out the musical instruments." I barked out a harsh, bitter laugh I hadn't exactly intended. "My house is like fucking High School Musical sometimes, you know that? With the singing and dancing and guitar and violin… Shit, except everyone practices at the same fucking time and I don't know how in the hell _they_ concentrate, because it gives me such a goddamn headache…"

My eyes had wandered to no spot in particular behind Jasper. Whenever I complained about my life like this, I could never make eye contact. I felt too ridiculous. He didn't make me feel it, though. Jasper's face reflected real concern and maybe a little bit of empathy. He didn't talk about it, but his family was insane, too.

"Everyone's so…talented," I continued in a low whisper. "But I'm not. I have nothing going for me, and mediocre grades aren't gonna help."

"Your grades aren't mediocre," said Jasper in that calming way only he possessed. "You almost made honor roll this marking period."

I shook my head. "Still. Nothing impressive. I mean, face it. Where am I gonna go in life? Will I even be accepted into a college? I _still_ don't know what I'm doing. Isn't that kind of pathetic for a junior?"

The corners of Jasper's mouth twitched downwards, but he kept a neutral expression. "No. Lots of kids are undecided, Edward, you're not the only one."

"Really? Because I'm starting to question that."

Jasper snorted. "You think I'm so certain? What do I have going for me?" Bitterness seeped through his unruffled exterior.

Then I started to feel really fucking guilty. Who was I to bitch and moan about my life when he had every right to do so? I didn't even let him get a word in. I never asked him about his parents, or his sister, or…really anything. I _was_ selfish. Self-centered.

"Sorry," I whispered. "I know. I know. But…Jazz, you could do anything you wanted."

His face had set into an expressionless mask sometime in the last thirty seconds, and Jasper seemed determined to keep it unwavering. I didn't say much after that.

Eventually he spoke again, in a raspy, quiet voice. "So. I think we should talk about…" He trailed off, but I understood, so I nodded.

"I'm sorry," I said again.

Jasper's gaze hardened again and he scooted closer to me. "Stop apologizing. I mean…well, I guess I understand why you don't want to tell anyone."

"But it's not fair to you. It's not fair to anyone. We're—_I'm_ lying. Well, I'm forcing you to lie, too, even though you don't want to, and—"

"Edward," he groaned. "Just shut up and let me talk, alright?"

I gave a wry little smile. "'Kay."

He took a deep breath. "So I was thinking last night, and I remember what it was like for me, at…at first. It was hell. Really, really hard to accept it. I guess that's gotta be worse for you 'cause I'm weighing you down and pressuring you and shit, and I think that maybe…you know, maybe it was a mistake to get together so quick."

I shook my head, but I couldn't deny that he had a point. If we'd taken things slower, I could've still had him at this point. Now I was resigned to the fact that Jasper was going to end things. It was a strange place to be—almost like denial, because I kept telling myself it'll all work out in the end.

"I understand," I whispered.

Jasper scoffed quietly. "You think I can turn back now? You think I'm just gonna…leave you? I don't fuckin' know why, Edward, but I can't, no matter how many times I tell myself I have to. That's all I thought about last night. I have to, but I fucking _can't_."

I stopped breathing. It took a while to process that, and finally, I could respond.

"But I'm not good enough for you, I'm hurting you," I reminded him bitterly. "I'm practically shoving you back in the closet! Not that you were out at all, which is also my fault."

"And it's worth it," Jasper growled, turning me toward him so he could grip my biceps tightly. His eyes were piercing into mine and our foreheads could almost touch. "Goddamnit, it's _worth_ it."

Then his lips were on mine, nearly bruising, forcing my mouth open. Our breaths mingled together as he seemed to reconsider, with his grip relaxing on my arms. Then some long-dormant instinct rose up inside me and I pushed Jasper onto his back. Our mouths ravaged each other's, and it was not slow and sweet and loving—it was angry and rough and almost brutal, but it felt so good. Too good to stop anytime soon.

Jasper had been relatively passive, letting me lead, but suddenly he came to life. I don't remember how or when, but I was flipped onto my back and Jasper's full weight was being pressed into me. How utterly _good_ it felt made my head swim. I unconsciously bucked my hips to grind my hardening dick onto Jasper's thigh. He did the same in return, forcefully, and continued stroking my tongue with his. I groaned into his mouth.

We were out of control. I was so close to tipping over the edge, but I didn't want this, _this_, to end. I pushed us into a sitting position and licked and sucked at his neck. Jasper moaned and his hands kneaded my ass. That caused me to align our hips again to feel more friction, feel Jasper's hard cock against mine.

I suddenly realized we were wearing too many layers of clothes. Before I processed it happening, our shirts were ripped off and our bare chests were pressed against each other. I ran my hands all along his newly exposed flesh, marveling in it.

"Fuck," Jasper puffed. One of his hands left my ass and found itself directly on my crotch. He looked me in the eyes in that intense way he has while his palm rubbed my erection, firm but steady.

This was uncharted territory. Our shirts had definitely come off before, but things had been so strained between school and my own paranoia…we mostly just talked about shit when we were together.

I especially didn't care now, with Jasper's hand stroking my dick. I tried to tell him to keep going, but it came out sounding like, "Kee—oh…ungh…"

I wasn't so eloquent right now. In fact, I probably wouldn't have noticed that Jasper was unzipping my jeans if it wasn't for the sound. I tensed, only out of unfamiliarity.

"Jasper," I warned. My voice sounded low and raspy, thick with lust.

He only leaned forward to plant open-mouthed kisses on my chest, lower, lower, past my navel—

I wasn't going to complain. My jeans and boxers found themselves off my body, thrown somewhere out of sight, and now Jasper was stroking me. His breath was hot on my stomach. It was so, so, so good—his touch was driving me insane, almost feathery-light and far too slow…

I was too gone to notice that Jasper was going to take me into his mouth until it happened. I didn't have time to tell him he wasn't obligated to do this, didn't have time to tell him how badly I wanted it…but I guess that wasn't necessary. I gasped, feeling his hot mouth closing around my cock, and swallowed a loud moan. Shit, and I thought I couldn't feel anything better than his hand.

I wasn't really sure what _exactly_ he was doing with his tongue. All I could remember was the white heat, the pleasure threatening to overtake me. At one point, my hips involuntarily bucked and Jasper gagged a little, holding my hips down to keep me still.

I was at the tipping point when he sucked hard on the head of my cock. When he tugged gently at my balls, I was fucking done for. I think he pulled away right before I came, which was good, because everything was far too pleasurable and I couldn't think straight—much less think at _all_—and my attitude toward life had greatly altered. If that happened more often, I would complain about shit ten times less.

I was lying on the ground, panting, when Jasper crawled up next to me. I hummed in contentment.

"You are fucking amazing," I declared.

I felt him stiffen a little. "I had no idea what I was doing," he laughed nervously.

I turned my head to pull him into a deep, long kiss. "I don't know how you could be bad at it," I whispered.

Suddenly I felt the need to reciprocate. Not like I didn't want to, but I didn't know what I was doing either… Shit. _What do I do, what do I do?_

Jasper must've sensed some discomfort, because he said in a low voice, "You don't have to."

I shook my head, knowing he _wanted_ me to, and kissed him again. He moaned and held me closer. My fingers shook as I unzipped his jeans, so he pushed my hands away and undressed himself.

I crawled on top of him and kissed his chest. My still-shaking hand found his erection and gripped it. I felt a surge of relief as I realized I knew how to do this—I've done it to myself countless times. With a few strokes, he was panting and making all those noises I fucking loved.

"F-faster," he rasped.

I obliged, because I knew right now I didn't have the guts to use my mouth. Still—he seemed to have no objections to this.

His hips began to thrust upward, and I observed his face in wonder as he came, his face flushed and eyes screwed shut. _I did that to him_. It's a fucking amazing feeling. Like…I had _that_ much power.

When we laid down again, side-by-side, his release was all over my stomach. Jasper wiped it off with his shirt.

"You probably should've used something else," I chuckled. "You're gonna need a shirt when you go home."

He sighed. "I don't really care right now." He held me closer.

"I'll let you borrow something."

"Thanks." I got the distinct impression he felt awkward about what happened, and I wasn't sure why, probably because I was still pretty much useless in the thinking department. He quickly changed the subject. "Edward," he said quietly, "I'm going to tell my parents."

I blinked a few times and attempted to act unsurprised, despite my involuntary gaping. I'd known this was coming, right? Not a huge revelation of some sort.

"Your…your parents," I repeated.

He nodded.

I gulped. "Wow. That's…good, I guess." _Even though they might kill you_. Wow, I'd never hated Jasper's homophobe parents more than I did now.

He looked away for a moment, uncomfortable. Then he said in a quick murmur, "And I kinda….wanyoutatellyours."

My eyebrows pinched together. "Say that again?"

He hesitated, looking conflicted. "I want you to tell _your_ parents, too. But you don't have to, I guess…if it makes you uncomfortable."

I suddenly felt cold. "Uh. Well." I was right on the edge of saying no before deciding it was selfish. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I have to."

And he looked so happy in that moment—not the obvious kind, because I knew he was trying to rein in his reaction—that I couldn't help but be happy, too. I smiled into his bare shoulder and kissed it.

"Edward," he whispered suddenly. "Did you…did you mean it?"

"Of course." I studiously ignored the fear shooting down my spine. "I'll tell them soon. Tomorrow," I added recklessly, "first thing, I swear—"

"No," he interrupted. "Not that." He set his jaw in a way that let me know he was embarrassed, but didn't want to show it.

I blinked a few times, wondering what he could mean. But after not a few seconds, I understood. Though I wasn't going to admit it, because there was still a chance I was way off base. Then I'd probably look like an idiot.

"What do you mean?" I asked, tension leaking into my tone.

"What you said," he whispered. "At the mall. The…uh…damnit, Edward, you _know_ what I mean."

"Oh," I said feebly.

It looked as if he took this as a confirmation that I had been acting rashly at the time, speaking empty words, so I shook my head at him.

Shit. Wrong move again. He probably took that differently than I meant it.

"I—I mean," I stuttered, "Jesus I'm even confusing myself now." I sighed heavily. "Um. Well, _yes_, I meant it. Why would I lie?"

He looked straight ahead, carefully avoiding my gaze. "We were fighting. You might've been, I dunno, desperate. So we would stay together."

"No!" I nearly shouted out. My eyes were fearful and wide. Why was it just one misunderstanding after the other lately? Surely the world was out to get me. Or maybe just mine and Jasper's relationship.

"I can't read your mind," he ground out, irritated now. "Why do you expect me to know these things?"

"Like you don't do the same exact thing," I snapped. "You just fucking bottle everything up for months and months till you blow up on me like this!"

He sat up, and our eyes locked for one shocked moment. He didn't expect me to turn it around. Well, in my defense, nor did I.

"Sorry," I whispered, surprised to find I actually meant it. I stroked the side of his face and brushed the hair out of his eyes.

He closed his eyes. "If you meant it, then say it."

I inhaled deeply before leaning in to graze my lips against his.

"I love you," I whispered. After he didn't say anything for a while, I said, "It's okay. You don't have to say it back if you didn't mean it before." I tried to hide my pessimistically hurt expression.

…But I didn't think I had ever seen him this happy. He beamed—no, fucking _glowed_—and pulled me into a breathless, passionate kiss. It kind of felt like his way of saying it back, but I couldn't be sure.

Thankfully, he verbalized it for my sake.

When the kiss broke, he said, laughing a little, "I love you, too, you know."

* * *

This was it. No more hiding, no more dodging casual questions about girls and dating… No more pretending to be someone I'm not.

It should have felt liberating. It didn't. The fear was choking me, mostly because I had no idea how they'd respond. I figured the best bet would be to tell Esme first, only because she was more accepting. I actually had no idea if Carlisle had any prejudices. I didn't think he would because he was so damn _nice_, but hey, you never know.

Well…_here I go_.

I quietly slipped in through the front door and padded into the kitchen.

"Mom?" I said quietly. She was cutting vegetables and humming to herself.

"Hmm?" she answered vaguely.

"Can I…talk to you for a few minutes?"

She set down the knife and looked at me with concern. "What is it?"

My face flushed. "Um…maybe we should, uh, sit down."

She nodded slowly and made her way to the living room. We both sat on opposite sides of the white leather couch.

We were silent for a minute because…well, I wasn't quite sure how to proceed. How do you tell your mother that you'll never marry a nice girl and bring her home for dinner and have lots of kids and live happily ever after? How was I supposed to tell her I'm gay?

Esme sighed deeply. "You're making me nervous, Edward. I wish you'd just say what you want to say. Is it that bad?"

I cringed and nodded, looking down at my hands.

Better now than never.

"I-I'm…" I stuttered, my voice trailing off.

I just couldn't fucking say it. She'd be so disappointed in me. She wanted me to give my future wife my grandmother's ring… Where would that ring go now? She'd hate me. Come to think about it, faced with the situation at hand, I'd never heard her say anything _good_ about homosexuals. Nothing bad, either, but she just didn't talk about it. Maybe she was homophobic? That would be…bad. I could never imagine my life if she shut me out. I loved my mother.

But this is Esme Cullen we're talking about, I told myself, willing my brain to stop over-thinking it. She was totally and completely accepting of everyone, and I couldn't imagine her discriminating.

Yes. I needed to tell her.

"You might hate me," I warned, my voice wavering.

"I could never hate you. You're my son," she argued back, looking stern. "Did you do something you're not supposed to?"

I knew she was thinking of drugs and the like, but I still whispered, "Maybe."

"Just tell me," she pleaded. "If it's this important, I'll probably find out from someone else."

I gulped. I never considered that.

"I'm…I'm…"

She misunderstood my words. "Don't apologize quite yet, sweetheart."

I shook my head.

Then, somehow, I made myself say it.

"I'm gay," I whispered. I forced myself to look into her eyes, because maybe she'd understand that I'd never asked for it.

No matter the reaction, I always pictured some sort of anguish on her face. But there was no anguish, only shock.

Like I didn't expect that.

She stared at me, wide-eyed, until I felt like screaming. "Can't you just say something?" I said hastily.

"That explains a lot," she said faintly. "Oh my God, _Edward_."

It felt safe to look down at the floor now. "I told you you'd—"

"No!" she retorted immediately. "That's…that's not why… I mean, I'm just thinking of all the times I thought you were hiding a girlfriend from me." She laughed, sounding tired. "I guess I have to wonder if you were hiding any—any boyfriends."

I stilled completely. Her eyes turned accusing. "You did, didn't you?"

"I had to," I said desperately, feeling like I might've been on the verge of relief, but unable to believe it. "You don't know how hard this is!"

Her face crumpled a little. "Oh, I know, I just don't like feeling left out. Don't mind your irrational mother."

Just then, the front door swung open. It appeared as though Alice and Jacob had just returned from a walk. She looked at us, curious, before slowly walking upstairs, Jacob trailing behind her, still on his leash. Even he turned for a second glance, and for a second, he almost looked human, and knowing. It chilled me for a second before I reasoned that it was a fucking _dog_, and I should stop being so paranoid. _I've honestly lost it now._

I sighed and turned back to Esme, lowering my voice. "I've…I've only had one boyfriend."

I could see the shock and fascination on her face when I said _boyfriend_, but she quickly covered it up. She was trying to stay neutral.

"When? Who?" she asked, too casually.

I cleared my throat. "Uh, Jasper. We've been together for a month."

I pretended to not see Esme's jaw drop. She must've been having some sort of epiphany.

"Why didn't I _notice_ that?" she exclaimed. "If you think about it, you two have been pretty obvious all along…"

I was horrified. "Seriously?"

She smirked wryly. "Only if you know what to look for. Which no one does." She paused. "Or…does someone?"

"Bella and Alice," I muttered. "But I didn't tell them. They…guessed." Even though I semi-hated her right now, I wasn't going to throw Alice under the bus.

"Wow," she breathed. "My son is _gay_."

I flinched.

"Sorry," she said apologetically. "It's just such a shock, you know?"

I nodded. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to run away.

"Well," she said in a final tone, "thanks for telling me, sweetie. Good talk." She patted my hand, smiled brightly, and went back to chopping vegetables.

Which left me feeling a little hazy. That was weird.

But I felt…better.

* * *

In hindsight, I really should have known that Jasper would eventually back out of telling his parents—at least for a little while. He went frozen in fear right before we walked into his kitchen, and whispered in my ear to forget it. Originally, I was going to be there with him to tell them. He figured that they couldn't disown him with a friend over. That would make them look sort of evil.

So I squeezed his hand, nodded and let him lead me up to his bedroom, where we mostly just sat there in the midst of a silent understanding. I really _did_ understand. I wouldn't make him do something he was terrified of. He needed to be ready for this.

Over the next few weeks, he still didn't work up the courage. I watched with a sort of morbid wonder as I remembered all the years I thought he was invincible. It made me wonder about how much fear and pain he'd hidden from me for so long. If I thought about it, I was always the one receiving advice instead of giving it. My earlier hunches about hardly knowing Jasper were basically confirmed at this point.

It'd gotten better, though. I could comprehend his family situation well enough before, but now I knew such small details, like how Emmett McCarty was dating his sister and she glared when Jasper tried to warn her that he would just break her heart. And I gained a lot of respect for Rose, because while I was over at his house one time, his parents were having a very heated discussion with her about gay rights. I could practically feel Jasper shrinking away from everyone, including himself. Rosalie, thank god, was on the supportive end of the debate.

His parents, though…

To quote Mr. Whitlock, "Those damned queers aren't entitled to marriage."

Rosalie raged on and on until she was finally grounded for a week for speaking out of turn. Jasper sat back, observing with a very closed, yet vulnerable expression. If we had been alone, I would've hugged him.

"I can't tell them," he finally said helplessly. "They'll kick me out."

"So you'll come live with me."

We were in his bedroom, yet again, hiding from _them_ and the rest of the world. It was easier, in a way, than being at my house, now that Esme knew. I thought Carlisle might've suspected, too. Here, we were free to lock ourselves away. Alone. Together. Except that things were strained most of the time.

He exhaled slowly. It sounded somehow painful. "Edward, they're my parents. I actually give a damn what they think."

"I know," I said quietly.

He rested a hand on my knee and scooted over closer. "But…thanks."

I chewed on my bottom lip, thinking, until Jasper pulled it away from my teeth with his thumb. He smiled faintly. "What's up?"

"Nothing."

It wasn't, in fact, nothing—but I wasn't about to mention how unfair this was. He had pushed and pushed until I finally cracked and agreed to tell my mom, but he was allowed to take all the time he wanted? I knew that if I pushed as well, he'd do it as well, but I didn't want to. I couldn't see him deteriorate like he did before. I knew very well that coming out to his parents would be better in the long run, and Jasper knew it was the same in my case, but I…I don't know, didn't have the _strength_.

Jasper suddenly shot up, startling me, and said in a loud voice that was higher-pitched with nerves, "I'm telling them. Right now."

I could only stare. I certainly wouldn't protest, but I wasn't quite up to helping him along. All I could picture was the way he'd crumble…

"Okay," I said eventually. "Let's go."

"I mean, alone."

I looked at him questioningly, ignoring the twinge of hurt.

Jasper sighed and pulled me up, winding his arms around my waist. "I don't want you dragged into this," he murmured. "At least, not in person."

"Oh." I guess that made sense, though it was thoroughly ridiculous. He needed me. But it was his decision.

I kissed him before quietly slipping out the door, wondering when things would come crashing down on us.

* * *

**A/N: **_As I have it outlined, the next chapter will be the last, followed by the epilogue. That might change, might not, but either way it makes me kinda sad...lol._  
_Please review! I've been stressing over this chapter for, like, ever, and feedback would be greatly appreciated. _


	12. What I Did For Love

**A/N: **_Okay, so I definitely owe you guys an apology for disappearing like that. Writer's block will most certainly be the death of me. But I'm back! And this **isn't** the last chapter—the next one is! Heh...miscalculation on my part._

_Hope you enjoy this second-to-last chapter :)_

* * *

Sitting around, waiting…

It was hell.

I must've waited hours, but it felt like days at least. I was driving myself insane, wondering what happened.

Did they lock Jasper in the basement?

I ruled that out immediately. They didn't have a basement.

Attic?

I cringed.

Maybe they were talking it out. Rationally. I held in a snort; that'd be the fucking day. The high and mighty Whitlocks, conservative bible thumpers extraordinaire—being rational…

I decided that being cooped up in the house wasn't doing any good, and my pacing back and forth was receiving odd looks from Carlisle and even Jacob, so I decided a walk would do me good.

Wrong.

I kept getting these very sharp urges to walk past Jasper's house—just to check if I could see them through the window—but I was afraid that if I saw any signs of yelling, I'd burst inside and come to his defense. And after all, he didn't want me there. I couldn't even feel bitter, only because I knew he did it because he cared. Too much, maybe. The idea that he was facing that alone…it made me shudder.

Suddenly, being trapped inside sounded like a brilliant idea.

By the time I'd circled back around to my house, I was ten times more anxious and barely stopping myself from running. But then I stopped in my tracks and my heart jumped up into my throat, because Jasper's car was parked in my driveway.

Now I was sprinting.

I found Jasper inside in the living room, casually seated on the couch next to Esme, who looked somewhat distraught.

"Jasper?" I called softly.

His head snapped up. "Edward."

Esme looked back and forth between us, and then promptly stood up. "I'll leave you two alone."

Neither of us said anything, even after Esme was gone, and it was becoming tense. I think I understood what happened if Jasper was at my house instead of his—I was getting much better at seeing through his calm façade. If that was the case, I still didn't know how close he might've been to falling apart, so I didn't want to make him tell me…

Screw it. I needed to know.

"What happened?" I slowly made my way to sit next to him.

He carefully avoided my gaze, staring at the wall behind me. "They…weren't happy." His eyes tightened, and now that I looked, his hands were tightened into fists.

I wanted to help, or comfort him, or _something_, so I reached for a hand and gently straightened it.

"How bad?" I asked in a hushed voice.

"Dad flipped out. Called me a…" He grimaced. "Never mind. He was pissed. Mom cried. Rosalie screamed."

"At you?"

"No. Them."

I exhaled, relieved. We had a definite ally. But I didn't push Jasper for any more details, because he was understandably subdued and in pain. The only thing I could think to do was sit with him and be there if he wanted to talk, so that's what I did. Eventually—I don't know how much time had passed—he buried his head in my shoulder and his shoulders began to shake.

"Sorry," he whispered unevenly, without looking up.

I kissed the top of his head, because it was the only thing I felt like I could do for him, and whispered, "It's okay." After a pause, I added, "And I love you."

"I love you, too," said his muffled voice, tightening his arms around me.

It wasn't long before hugging led to kissing, and kissing led to desperate groping, and we were both too incoherent to say much beyond gasping and moaning.

This was what he needed. This was what we _both_ needed.

Completely forgetting that Esme was still somewhere in the house, I unzipped Jasper's pants and hurriedly pulled them down with his boxers. I gripped his erection, and the sight of it made me fucking _ache_. I stroked him a few times, spreading the liquid leaking from the tip, until I heard him say my name.

"Edward," he breathed. "Fuck…please…"

I pumped his cock a few more times. I could tell he was close, but instead of bringing him over the edge, I halted my movements and said, "Wait."

The look Jasper gave me was half-disbelieving and half-pleading, but I just took a deep breath. There was something I wanted to do.

He inhaled sharply as I experimentally touched my tongue to the tip. I decided that was a good reaction and ran my tongue along the underside. The taste wasn't bad at all, I realized. I always thought it would be kind of…well…I'd never actually thought about it. I found myself wanting to taste more of him, make him feel as unbelievable as he'd made me feel.

I gripped his hips and sucked on the head of his cock. That elicited another groan, so slowly, I took in as much of him as I could without choking, and made up the difference by wrapping my hand around the base. _Shit, I hope I'm doing this right_, I thought anxiously as I began to move my head back and forth, his erection sliding in and out of my mouth. Jasper's hand was tightly threaded in my hair and his hips were thrusting. There were a few times when I tried to get all of it to fit inside my mouth, but I choked and decided that probably wasn't ideal at the time. Then I came to the conclusion that he was probably really close to coming.

"Fuckfucfuck…I'm gonna…"

Spit or swallow, spit or swallow…? Isn't spitting rude, though? But could I actually—

I didn't get to make up my mind. A hot, salty liquid filled my mouth. It tasted less than wonderful, but it wasn't as bad as I expected, to be honest. It took a little willpower, but I did it.

I released him with a slightly embarrassing _pop_ and sat back. Jasper looked at me like I'd just given him the winning lottery ticket and sunk back into the couch cushions, apparently boneless, and then immediately shot up and pulled his pants back on.

"Your mom is still here, Edward," he whispered furiously.

I winced. "Ah…shit."

"I _really_ hope she didn't hear us."

"Yeah. That'd be…yeah."

Really, there were no words for how horrible that would be.

Jasper looked around him, now paranoid, before giving me a deep, slow kiss. Afterwards he leaned his forehead against mine. "I love you."

"I love you, too. You know I do." I kissed him again.

After that, both of us sat as far away from each other as the couch would allow and watched TV, trying very hard to appear innocent. Esme came downstairs an hour later, looking disoriented, and claimed she fell asleep.

I wasn't sure if I believed her, but I was willing to force myself.

* * *

"Edward."

The voice disrupted my state of unconscious bliss, therefore it was the thing I hated the most now. I groaned and buried my face further into my pillow. Didn't want to get up.

"Edward."

I was getting sort of angry. Why was there someone in here? Didn't they know they'd interrupted the best night of sleep I'd ever had in my life?

"_Edward!_"

I sat up sharply, eyes still blurry. I scowled at the shape in front of me. It was Alice, which was obvious, now that I'd put two and two together.

"What do you want?" I griped.

Alice huffed. "Would you look at yourself right now! Put some clothes on. And tell your _boyfriend_ to do the same." She pointedly looked the other way.

Horrified, I looked down to observe my current state of undress. But Alice was exaggerating. I still had my boxers on, which was how I usually slept. Looking at the person next to me, I smirked. Jasper seemed to be in the same situation…

…Oh, shit.

The events that had occurred last night came rushing back to me. Jasper had sneaked in through the window at two in the morning and eagerly finished what we'd started before, returning the favor, which I definitely wasn't complaining about lost sleep over. Other than that, we hadn't really done anything other than talk. Well…I had been the one to talk, and Jasper strategically avoided any and all subjects relating to his parents. I'd decided to let it slide. I knew he was upset. He'd talk when he was ready, right?

I swiftly pulled the covers over us and demanded, "Get out."

Alice shrugged, still looking away. "Okay, don't thank me for waking you up or anything," she remarked sarcastically. "It's three in the afternoon. You guys missed school."

"Oh…"

"Yeah. I don't know why Mom let you," she said, frowning. Then she tacked on, "But I'm sure she'd be on her way to your room if I didn't come get you."

I sighed, feeling too embarrassed already. "Thanks. Now _please_ get out. I'm begging you." I hesitated. "Um…Ali? Is this going to scar you for life?"

"Probably." She laughed, and it sounded nervous. "I guess I'll keep Mom downstairs, but I invited Bella and Jessica over. They _might_ come with Rosalie."

"How do you know so many high schoolers? You're in eighth grade."

Ignoring that remark, she informed me, "Jessica doesn't know about you and Jasper, right?"

"No, but—"

"And you don't want her to find out?"

"Definitely not like _this_!"

"Then get up. Honestly."

I groaned. "Why is Rosalie coming?"

She shrugged, looking irked. "I don't know. They're coming to see _you_, not me. Bella said so." Now she sounded bitter, and I wondered if she was jealous. I couldn't think of a sensible reason why.

"Okay. You can get out now." I gave her a tight-lipped smile. I was still embarrassed as hell.

"Jazz," I whispered into his ear, shaking his shoulder. "Get up."

He didn't wake up, but he shifted a little. I shook his shoulder again.

"Edward…" he moaned.

My eyes widened. Was he dreaming about me?

"Lemme sleep," he mumbled.

Damnit.

"We can't," I said regrettably. "We're having guests."

"Who?" he asked, his voice muffled by the pillow.

"Jessica. Bella. Your sister."

"What the hell? _Stanley_? My morning was starting off so well." He looked up and frowned at me sleepily. He looked so damn adorable, I had to lean down and kiss him.

* * *

"Hi, guys!" was Jessica's enthusiastic greeting to Jazz and me. "Where _were_ you? God, I feel like I haven't seen you for so long, even though we saw each other a few days ago. Know what I mean?"

I looked over to Jasper. He shrugged.

"Yeah," I said. "I guess."

Bella came in behind her with a discontent-looking Rosalie. My sister promptly led them into the living room.

"How's Jacob?" she asked, just as she always did.

"He's great."

I wasn't actually sure. Alice monopolized Jacob. I sort of forgot he existed sometimes.

"Where is he? I want to go see him."

"You know, if you love that dog so much, why don't you just take him back?"

She rolled her eyes, as though the answer was obvious. "Because we have a cat now. My mom likes the cat better."

"Right," I said vaguely. "Jacob is probably sleeping on Alice's bed."

She practically ran in the opposite direction, and assumedly went to find Ali as well.

"I hate her," said Jasper bluntly. "She has the biggest crush on you."

"I know, Jazz, I know. But she's fully aware that we're just friends." I smiled at his jealously. For some reason, it was funny. "She's got nothing against you."

We both made our way to the living room, where Rosalie sat alone in the loveseat and Bella flipped through channels. I sat beside her while Jasper chose to be in the company of his sister. Good. They could both feed off each other's sulky, negative energy.

"Don't bother," I told Bella. "There's nothing on."

She smiled a little. "Worth trying though, right?"

I shrugged. "We don't really have much to do here. You know that. You could always go hang out with Alice and Jessica."

She tapped her fingers on the remote and hummed. "Well…I guess I will." Bella smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. Nothing personal, but I like hanging out with your sister."

I scoffed. "Oh, come on, admit it. You hate me." I pouted.

She smiled and ruffled my hair. "You're so adorable when you get all self-loathing."

And…then I was left alone. With silence. And two unhappy Whitlocks.

I proceeded to let this go on, only because I figured someone would have to talk eventually…but no such luck.

"Okay," I said, fed up. "Would someone _please_ say something?"

"Nope," said Rosalie promptly.

"Then why are you even here?" I asked, irritated.

"Because I'm not going to stay at home with _them_," she snapped. "Assholes."

The blood seemed to drain out of Jasper's face. I wished he was sitting with me instead so I could comfort him. Rosalie was doing a horrible job.

"Okay…" I said slowly.

"If they're going to treat my brother like shit, then I'll treat them like shit," she spat. "Jesus _fucking_ Christ! Just because Jazz is gay doesn't mean he's not their son anymore! He's a hell of a lot better person than they are, I'll tell you that much. At least he's finishing high school." Her words were laced with venom, and it reminded me just how sharp Rose's tongue could be.

"What, so they…disowned him?" I said numbly.

"No." The answer didn't come from Rosalie, but from Jasper. It was very quiet, very meek…not like him at all. "They're just ashamed of me."

"And you have nothing to be ashamed of," Rose argued firmly. "You know what I think? They'll get over it. Yeah, they're pretty evil, but not _that_ evil. And I still love you," she added softly. "I'll always love you, Jazzy. You're my twin brother."

I was impressed with this side of her. Maybe if she acted like this more often—

"And whoever doesn't like that can fucking _burn in hell_."

That side was growing on me, too.

"And now that I've said my part, I'm leaving. I was supposed to be at Emmett's after school."

She hugged Jasper, who didn't really respond to it, and left us alone. I couldn't help but feel relieved. Maybe he'd talk now.

I crossed the room to sit next to him and pulled him close. His head rested on my shoulder. "Please, Jasper," I whispered. "Tell me what you're thinking."

He inhaled and exhaled slowly, evenly. "It's…hard."

"I can't even imagine."

He smiled a little. "I'm not gonna go crazy on you like I did last time, so don't worry so much. I expected this to happen. But right now…"

He didn't finish his sentence. I looked at him quizzically. "Do you need space? I can give you some space if that's what you need—"

"No," he laughed quietly. "I'm actually glad you're here." He wrapped his arms around me and we lay there, content in each other's arms.

Well…until my dad walked in and coughed. We sprung apart, and I cursed myself for forgetting that he gets home at five every night. I hadn't even told him about Jasper and I yet! What could he possibly be thinking?

However, all he did was look at us for a moment, appearing extremely confused, and shrug. "To each his own," he muttered, and waltzed into the kitchen like he didn't catch his son snuggling with another guy. Carlisle must've had a long day.

I turned to look at Jasper, half-wincing, but all he did was smirk at me.

"Hey, look. Now we're even."

It was like nothing had changed.

* * *

Really, the last thing I wanted was for everyone at school to know about us, but it was getting increasingly difficult to keep my hands off Jasper in public. Especially with Jasper being particularly rebellious since he told his parents. So far, he'd given me a blowjob in the men's bathroom at McDonald's, flipped off Tyler Crowley for being a bigoted asshole, and corrected our history teacher numerous times. Even when he knew the teacher had been right.

This new behavior was…oddly hot.

Jessica, too, was getting more assertive and Lauren seemed to have taken a liking to Jasper once again, which made me irrationally jealous, and I just wanted things to be _easy_.

No such luck.

At lunch, Jazz and I had begun to sit next to rather than across to each other, if only to press our legs up against each other or link our fingers together for a stolen moment. No one ever saw—hopefully—but the thrill that someone could catch us was both exciting and terrifying. More exciting than it would've been before. Besides, I was really fucking sick of hiding.

Today we chanced holding hands under the table for most of the time. I was just beginning to get over the initial fear and immensely enjoy it when I thought we'd been caught.

Jessica screeched, "Edward!" and Jasper and I flew apart so quickly I thought I would fall out of my chair.

"What the hell?" I cried. "You scared the _shit_ out of me, Jess!"

She smiled sheepishly. It was a damned good thing she didn't come up from behind us, I thought in my aftershock, because then she definitely would've seen.

"Sorry, sorry, I just wanted to tell you something!"

I sighed and glanced over at Jasper. He looked a bit shaken.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Lauren and I have four tickets to a Kesha concert!" She took a moment to squeal and bounce in place. "Obviously we need two more people and we could've picked anyone, but we really want you and Jasper to come along." She grinned hopefully.

My mind went blank. "…Kesha?"

Jessica nodded. "The one that sings the song that goes, you know, _what you got, boy, is hard to_—"

"Oh," I interrupted loudly, hoping Jessica wasn't contemplating a career in singing. "The one that sounds drunk all the time."

She looked like she might take offense to that, but shrugged nonetheless. "Yeah, I guess."

From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper smirk. "Not a huge fan of her music, but I'm glad I know how to pronounce her name now. And to think all this time I've been saying Ke-dollar-sign-ha."

I barely concealed a snort. "Jasper, c'mon. Even I knew how to pronounce it."

He hummed, pretending to think about it. "Yeah, I guess you're right. That is sad, considering you know relatively _nothing_ about pop culture." He smiled at me fondly.

I guess we were doing that thing where we get lost in each other's eyes or some shit, because Jessica cleared her throat to get our attention. I jumped. I had forgotten she was even there.

"Uh…" I delayed. "Jazz, do you wanna go to the concert?"

"With Lauren," Jessica reminded him quickly.

"With _Lauren_?" He looked over at me and said, "Nah."

"Yeah, Jess, I want him to go with me," I said, smirking. "It could be like a date, eh, Jazzy?"

He grinned, playing along. "Oh, Edward," he sighed in a high falsetto, "you're so _romantic_."

"It's my job," I said, slipping into a faux-serious tone. I really wanted to kiss Jasper right now. But I didn't; that's the important thing—I didn't.

Jessica looked like she found a good deal of amusement in this, but wasn't sure whether or not to be freaked out. Eventually, she settled on laughing a little, apparently convinced it was a joke.

"You know, Jasper, Lauren really wanted to go with you," she said.

He sighed dramatically. "Must I?"

Now she looked angry. "If it would really be that torturous—"

"Jess," I cut in, "look, we can't really go, anyway. We've got stuff to do."

She crossed her arms. "I haven't even told you the date."

"I heard from someone else," I hedged.

"Didn't I have to remind you who she was?" she asked, glaring suspiciously.

I shrugged, out of solutions. "We always have busy weekends, so I just figured."

Her face turned red as she said, looking furious, "_Who_ said it was on a weekend and would you _please_ stop lying to me? If you didn't want to go with me, then you could've just said so."

Jessica promptly turned on her heel and stormed off.

"Shit," I whispered.

Jasper stifled a laugh. "Wow, Stanley looks pissed."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, 'cause I pissed her off." I tapped my index finger against the table, deliberating. "Maybe I should go after her."

He made a face. "Seriously? Why?"

"Because she's my friend," I said firmly, "and I'd like to keep a few of those."

Jasper pursed his lips. "Fine. Whatever."

I sighed and squeezed his hand. "I'll be right back," I promised.

After looking around for a few minutes, I discovered that Jessica was not, in fact, back at her table. I asked Lauren where she went, but she said she hadn't seen Jessica since she left to talk to me.

So…this was probably bad.

Eventually I found her outside, sitting at the picnic table no one ever actually used. It was raining. Her clothes were soaked almost all the way through and she still looked murderous.

"Jess?" I called, edging my way over.

Her head snapped up, obviously startled, but she soon enough returned to seething. "What do you want? Come to humiliate me a little more? Didn't have your fill yet?"

I crossed my arms, just looking at her for a little while. She did look embarrassed.

"You know me better than that," I said softly. "And besides, I have no idea what you're talking about."

She glared fiercely. "Sure," she muttered, "of course you don't. Edward, no one but _you_ could be that dense."

I was confused for a fraction of a second. Then I scowled in defiance and said, "Hey, I'm not dense!"

She scoffed to herself and muttered, "Beg to differ."

Slowly, I made my way over to the table and took a seat across from her. "Why don't you tell me what this is really about?"

Jessica's cheeks abruptly turned red and she refused to meet my eye. Playing with a loose thread at the end of her sleeve, she said in a low murmur, "You know."

I blinked, feeling lost. Did I know? What could have her so…

_Oh_.

"You don't still like me, do you?" I asked, a little desperately.

Face somehow more flushed than before, she grimaced and awkwardly traced a pattern on her forearm.

I cleared my throat. "So…um, yes, then?"

She looked up, clearly devastated, and I mentally kicked myself.

"I don't understand why you don't like me back," she said, and her voice sounded suspiciously thick. It was then that I realized her eyes were shiny and red and—oh shit.

I shot out of my seat to run over to the other side of the table, and I sat at her side with what I hoped was a comforting arm around her.

"Jess, please don't cry," I begged. But that didn't seem to help. Instead, she began sobbing into my arm, and I fought off flashbacks of the last time I saw her crying. Despite everything, my first thought was that I hoped she wouldn't try to kiss me again.

"What's _wrong_ with me?" she whimpered.

"Nothing," I said immediately, tightening my arm around her. "You're perfect the way you are."

I suspected that was the wrong thing to say when she tensed against my side. "Then…why don't you like me back?"

I tensed, too. "Trust me when I say it's not your fault," I laughed, maybe a tad hysterically.

Jessica pulled away to get a look at my face. "Why?" Then comprehension seemed to dawn, and she looked miserable. "There's another girl, right? Is it Bella? Please tell me it's not Bella."

"Definitely not," I muttered, "another girl."

"But I don't understand why—" She abruptly cut off and took a deep breath. "Edward, just tell me what you're talking about."

For the first time ever, I wished that she'd already figured it out. I wished Bella had told her in secret one night and promised her never to tell me, or something—however girls told secrets—because I did not want to be the one. But I had no choice, and I owed her that much.

"Well, it's funny, really," I said, averting my eyes. "Um…well…Jess, I'm kinda…gay."

Jessica stared.

I laughed once, nervously, still avoiding eye contact. "Yeah, I know. Pretty bizarre, I guess."

Jessica continued to stare.

"Please just say something?" I pleaded quietly.

She blinked a few times, shook her head, and seemed to come back to herself. I wasn't sure whether that was to my immense relief or dread, because her face was like a blank mask. I was usually pretty good at reading people—_especially_ Jessica, who was almost as transparent as Bella—but this was nearly impossible.

"And Jasper is your boyfriend?"

Guess that was a given. I nodded once.

"I guess I should've known," she finally said flatly.

"Why?" I asked, bemused.

She rolled her eyes. "Being best friends with him. That was enough proof for most people."

I was openly gaping as I exclaimed, "_What?_ Hey—wait, explain what you just said, Jess, seriously."

It was difficult to gauge her reaction and worry about our reputations at the same time.

Jessica suddenly looked very nervous. "Well…lately, people having been wondering about your, uh, preference. It started out as a joke, 'cause, you know, you're always with Jasper." She cringed. "Sorry. I tried to tell them to shut up."

I smiled wryly. "I'm sure you did."

_But then got lost in all the excitement and started making up you own theories,_ I thought to myself with no real conviction.

"Anyway," she sighed, "it doesn't matter. They all forgot after, like, two days."

It didn't bother me as much as it should've that people were talking about me for that long without having a clue myself.

"Are you sure you're alright?" I ask, peering at her. "This whole calm thing seems unlikely."

She shrugged uncomfortably. "I'm actually trying not to think about it."

I grimaced a little and muttered, "Sorry."

She sighed. "It's not your fault. You can't control this…gay thing, right?"

"Nope," I said flatly.

"Huh."

We both looked at each other for a painstakingly long moment. And then, uncontrollably, we began to laugh.


	13. No One Is Alone

**A/N:** _Um...anyone still around? Heh. I know, it's been forever, and I deeply apologize. I do have a relevant excuse this time, though! College is...ugh, I don't even wanna think about it right now. That's all I'm gonna say on that one, lol. Hope you find this second-to-last chapter to your liking! (Yeah, I lied again, too.)_

* * *

"So…you told Stanley."

That was the first thing out of Jasper's mouth when I returned to the cafeteria.

"Yeah," I confirmed, tense as I awaited his reaction.

Jasper smiled grimly tapped his fingers on the table. "You know, I had a feeling you would."

I grimaced. "Sorry."

He rolled his eyes. "Don't apologize. Everyone was gonna find out, anyway."

"Exactly. So just—wait," I said, registering the last part of his sentence. "What do you mean by that?"

"Stanley's gonna tell the entire school now. Has she ever kept a secret?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Jessica would never do that," I said, quick to defend her. "She knows it's important to me. To _us_."

"You know, I wouldn't count on it," he said casually. "And I don't really care. She's just doing all the work for us."

I narrowed my eyes. "You're lying."

He scoffed, looking away from me. "No, I'm not."

"What are you guys talking about?" said a female voice from behind us.

Jasper and I both jumped.

"Nothing," I said swiftly. "Nothing at all. Hi, Lauren."

"Hey," she said slowly, and turned to Jasper. "Jess never got back to me. Are you coming to the concert?"

"No way," he said bluntly. "Me and Edward are hanging out."

"Yeah," said Lauren impatiently. "We figured. That's why we wanted both of you to—"

"I said no."

I swiveled my head to face Jasper. _Holy shit_. Did he really just say that? Low-key, patient Jasper?

"Oh. A-alright," Lauren stuttered, clearly just as taken aback by that response as I had been.

When she was out of earshot, I muttered, "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he replied swiftly. "Come on, let's go to class."

"But that's not for another ten—"

"I know." He smiled devilishly. "I think we can make a quick stop on our way."

He slid his hand over my thigh. My dick twitched. _Well, when he _implies_ things like that…_

I definitely couldn't resist him.

* * *

Jasper was getting…weird. By that, I mean more and more reckless and brash and _not him_.

I knew it as soon as he climbed through my window on Friday night. With two cases of beer.

"Jasper," I hissed. "What is _that_?"

"Beer."

"Yeah, but—"

"Look," he said bluntly. "Either you drink with me or you don't. I can leave if you want."

I hesitated. "Well…no, I don't want you to leave."

Did I really want to drink, though? The only alcohol I'd ever had was a glass of champagne at a wedding, and that was two years ago.

"Edward?"

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, alright. Let's do it."

After all, you weren't a _real_ teenager until you got drunk. At least once.

Two hours later, we were watching the music video for _The Final Countdown_ and laughing hysterically.

"Dude," he managed, "how fucking glad are you that we didn't live through this?"

"I don't know. Jazz, look at how…pretty they were! What if…what if we wore makeup?"

"I'd never wear makeup. Edward—if you ever wear guyliner, please…be, uh, tasteful about it."

I snorted. "_Tasteful_. I'm tasteful."

Jasper grinned slowly. "Hmm…" He pinned me to my headboard and kissed me suggestively.

I moaned into his mouth loudly. "Jazz."

He laughed against my lips. "Quiet down, babe! Your mom'll find us and that'd be fuckin' embarrassing."

"Don't care," I mumbled, kissing him again.

We made out for a good, undeterminable length of time, but the mood was effectively ruined when one of us rolled over onto the laptop, starting the music video over again. We burst out into laughter again until we were too tired for much of anything.

And that left us lying down side by side, staring at the ceiling fan. After a minute, I had to focus on another spot, because all the whirling was making my head hurt like hell. So…I looked at Jasper, who looked like he was thinking hard about something.

"Hey, Edward."

"Yeah?"

"Why are we goin' so fast?"

I blinked. "We're completely still. Are you hallucinating?"

He laughs. "No, babe, I meant—"

"I like it when you call me that," I said, smirking lazily. "Why haven't you called me that before?" And I guess I unintentionally interrupted him, too.

Jasper was undeterred, though, as he laughed again and rolled to his side so he could kiss my temple. "Alright. Babe. No, but…seriously."

I rolled over, too, so we were face to face. "What are you talking about?"

"It's like, we're just rushing…_everything_…about us. Y'know?"

It took longer than it should have to process that. I cleared my throat. "I don't know. What exactly are you—what do you mean?"

His eyes lost focus, staring at something beyond me. "The minute we got together, our biggest issue was hiding our relationship, because the thing we worried about the most was _coming out_. It all comes back to that…doesn't it? Other people's acceptance. Right? Other fucking people. When we should just…you know, be worrying about us." He paused and licked his lips. "No, no, wait. Not worrying. Just _being_. And we've never been able to do that, because…"

"Yeah. Because what?" I couldn't deny that he was making a whole lot of sense. Why didn't I see this before? It was so…obvious!

"Uh…well, I guess I just said it, actually. We've been worried about shit other people might be thinking or saying, right? Because we're trying to be all normal and shit."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. 'Cause…we haven't come to terms with this gay thing." I chuckled. "That's kinda stupid."

Jasper hesitated. "I think you might be right about that."

"Well, I don't think I'll ever be okay with this," I rambled, since I'd apparently hit my stride. "The only thing I'm _actually_ sure about is being with you. But being" —saying the word was hard when I was directly referring to myself— "gay…I dunno. I feel abnormal. It's crazy." I glanced at Jasper. "What about you?"

Jasper looked pained in some way, and he was staring at me with an indescribable intensity.

"Maybe you're right about that," he shrugged. "We're not normal. Who the fuck is?" It took a little longer to formulate his next sentence. "But we're not abnormal, either. Maybe, uh…somewhere in the middle? But closer to normal than abnormal."

I smiled wryly, but didn't say anything.

"So…is that okay?" he asked, much more quietly. "We don't need to be fuckin' cardboard cutouts, Edward. Maybe _that's_ what normal means. Being just like everyone else." His eyes were softer as he leaned closer to me and said, "Is that really what you want?"

"Guess not," I muttered. "That's sort of boring."

Jasper's lips curved into a smile. "Good. We can be _next_ to normal. That's not too bad."

I nodded firmly. "Sounds like a plan."

It was hazy and silent for the next few minutes. Comfortable. My eyes slid shut.

"I love you, you know," said Jasper as I was drifting off.

"I know," I mumbled.

Shortly afterward, with Jasper's arms wrapped around me tight, I fell asleep wearing a faint smile.

* * *

Even if we were both clothed, Jazz and I being found in bed together by my baby sister was even _worse_ the second time.

"Oh, come _on_," she cried, shielding her eyes.

"Then knock next time," I grumbled, still half-asleep. "The hell's so hard about that?"

Alice groaned. "Just please make yourselves decent."

"We're wearing clothes, Ali! We only—"

"I _seriously_ don't wanna know," she said gravely, but her hand slowly lowered to her side. "Just come downstairs and eat breakfast with us."

"Alright, alright," I agreed.

"Good." She glanced around the room one more time. "You might want to get rid of those bottles."

I hissed. "Oh…right. Thanks."

She beamed. "Don't thank me—now I have blackmail material!"

My jaw dropped as she whipped out her cell phone, snapped a picture of the room, and sprinted away.

"Alice!" I shouted desperately. "Wait, come back! I'll do _anything_ if you just—"

"Shut up," Jasper groaned. "God, why are both of you so fucking loud?"

I scoffed. "I apologize for being concerned about whether I live or die."

He blinked at me sleepily. "I'm just gonna pretend I know what you're talking about."

Unconsciously, my lips pulled up into a smile, and I kissed Jasper's forehead. "I need to go eat breakfast with my parents. You can join us if you go out through the window and back in through the front door."

He grinned up at me mischievously. "Sounds good."

Breakfast was an inherently uncomfortable affair, what with Alice snickering every few minutes and Carlisle pretending to check his phone for text messages every time Jasper and I did anything that could be remotely associated with being a couple.

He was okay with it, though. After he found us that day on the couch after coming home from work, we had an _extremely_ awkward discussion about how he'd accept me in any form. That, and he pretty much knew I was gay, anyway, because the lack of girlfriends was a dead giveaway to him.

"Call it a father's intuition," he'd explained delicately. "And you're my kid. You come from a good gene pool. There's just no way the chicks don't dig you."

I'd laughed at that, but the awkwardness settled around us once again.

What surprised Carlisle the most was that I had a boyfriend, and that boyfriend was Jasper Whitlock. Upon seeing us together, he'd apparently wondered if we would get married, and began to worry about whether he'd have to spend Christmas with the Whitlocks (whom he'd never been fond of) every year.

He'd eventually told me flat out that he was cool with it, but it was strange to talk about, being a straight man that had grown up in a very conservative household.

No wonder he'd decided to rebel against conformity and join one of those hair bands back in the day.

Carlisle coughed. "So, Jasper…how are your parents?"

Everyone flinched.

"Same as usual," Jasper said slowly.

"Did you tell them about your…relationship…with my son?" He tried to smile.

"Yeah," Jazz said awkwardly, scratching his neck. "Um…they weren't happy about it."

"Why?" he demanded. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"Dad, maybe we should talk about something else," I said quietly with a pointed look.

Carlisle shook his head. "No, no, this isn't right. Jasper—now you know that if you ever need a place to stay, you're more than welcome here. You've always known that. I'm reinforcing that now, because if your parents give you any trouble—"

"Oh, I know, Carlisle. I'll be fine. They'll come around."

"You sure about that?" Carlisle looked doubtful.

Jasper sighed, and seemed to think hard about his next sentence.

"I love your son," he said firmly. "I don't care if they never understand that. So I'm not gonna waste my time trying to convince them. They can do and say whatever the hell they want, but they're not gonna change my mind about Edward."

My heart swelled and I forced back a smile.

Esme gave a small gasp. She didn't try to contain her wide smile, and she placed a hand over her heart. "Oh, how _sweet_ of you, Jasper. And so grown up! Carlisle, did you hear that? What a sweet thing to say."

Carlisle cleared his throat and looked around. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. "Well, I'm glad to hear it."

Jasper grinned widely. "Cool. Now that's settled…Alice, could you pass me the hash browns?"

She had been surprisingly quiet throughout the meal. I gave her a questioning look.

"What, no speech?"

She shrugged. "Nothing to say. Hey, Edward, can I talk to you in the living room?"

This had to be about the alcohol. Shit.

"Sure," I said stiffly. "We need to discuss a few things, don't we?"

She smirked, pleased with herself. "Yes. We do."

Jasper glanced between us quizzically, and I mouthed, "I don't know."

Alice and I excused ourselves from the table.

"Okay," I sighed once we safely arrived in the living room. "What do you want?"

She bit her lip. "Um…well…you know how my birthday is coming up?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe if you got me a really good present…" She smiled encouragingly.

I groaned. "Couldn't you have just said that _before_ scaring the shit out of me?"

"But it's fun," she said gleefully.

"Yeah, let's all blackmail Edward until his nerves are shot," I said sarcastically.

"You're starting to sound like an eighty-year-old man."

"You're starting to sound like a bitch."

She laughed. "Ooh, that _really_ hurt my feelings, Eddie." Her eyes widened. "Oh! Hey! Guess what?"

"What?" I grumbled. Breakfast was getting cold.

"Bella's taking Jacob."

"But…I thought you liked Jacob."

This girl was making less and less sense.

"I do!" she assured me. "But I feel bad that Mom and Dad have to take care of him when they never even wanted him, you know?" She pouted a little. "Bella could give him a better home."

"Uh…did you check with Jessica? It's still kinda her dog."

"Yeah. I found out that Bella was actually gonna take him in the first place, but Jess wanted an excuse to come over." Alice snickered. "What an airhead."

I eyed her warningly, and she rolled her eyes.

"Anyway. Bella said I could come over anytime I wanted to see him." Now she smiled wider than ever, and her eyes seemed to sparkle. Her and Bella must've bonded or something.

"That's great, Ali."

"And I'm having my birthday party at her house, too."

I frowned. "Thanks for inviting me."

She sighed, exasperated. "Edward, it's a sleepover! You don't want to go. I'll have a party for family, too."

I smiled. "Good. You better, because I already have an awesome present for you."

That was a lie, of course, because I was flat broke. Shit. I'd have to get something for her…something good, so she couldn't continue to blackmail me…what did almost-fourteen-year-old girls like? I inwardly shrugged and pushed it to the back of my mind. No use worrying before I had the money.

* * *

I didn't understand how Jessica could be so energetic on a Monday morning.

"Oh my God," she ranted at the beginning of Trig, "the concert was _awesome_! You guys should've been there. Seriously. There was this one time when the—"

"Yeah, no offense, but I really don't care," Jasper said dryly. I elbowed him.

"Sorry," I said to Jessica. "Keep going."

"Never mind," she sighed. "It wasn't that cool anyway."

Jasper smirked, and this time I kicked him. His expression didn't change.

"Hey, Jess," I murmured in a hushed undertone. "Remember what we talked about?"

She nodded seriously, but blushed furiously nonetheless. "Yes."

"You can't tell anyone," I said firmly. "Remember that. Not even your best friend, or your mother, or…anyone."

"But why is it so secret?" she wondered.

I sighed, suddenly feeling very tired. "I'm…not quite sure anymore."

"Oh," she said quietly. "You don't have to worry. Even though people don't think so, I _can_ keep my mouth shut."

I gave her a small smile. "Don't worry, Jess, I believe you. I'm just doing this for Jasper, because…well, you know how he is."

She shrugged. "Reasonable enough, I guess."

I sighed again, but this time in relief. "Thanks so much."

"I wasn't gonna tell anyone even if you didn't say anything, you know," she muttered. "You don't have to thank me."

"I just meant for understanding. That's all."

She smiled. "Oh, well, yeah. Thanks for telling me."

Jasper kicked me in the shin, scowling. "Stop thanking each other. It's making me gag."

I smirked, thinking of a million things to be said after that statement. But I kept my mouth shut, thinking it wiser.

* * *

Thank god Esme still occasionally gave me money; now I had the means to buy Alice a birthday present. It didn't actually take long to figure out what she wanted: a new microphone. Expensive as hell, too, but it was worth it. She got off my back about the alcohol. I didn't see why she needed to hold it over my head in the first place, but whatever. _Girls are weird_.

After about a week of his parents giving him the cold shoulder, Jasper only went home again to pack a suitcase. Esme convinced him that the environment in his house was harmful, and as long as his parents knew, he should stay with us. Honestly, I think he wanted to in the first place.

"Where's he gonna stay?" I asked. "We don't have a guest room."

"I can sleep on the couch," Jasper suggested. "Or the floor in Edward's room—"

"No," Esme cut in. "If you two are together, I don't feel comfortable with that."

I sighed. "Okay. Fair enough. But we don't know how long he's staying, and that couch messes up my back every time I sleep on it."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Wimp."

"You try sleeping there for two weeks straight," I retorted. "Don't you remember that? Uncle Peter and Aunt Charlotte _demanded_ I give up my room when they came to visit."

"That was _four years_ ago, Edward. Get over it. In fact—you should let Jasper sleep on your bed and take the couch."

"Well, I mean I guess I could—"

"Guys!" shouted Jasper. "Stop fussing over me. It's making me feel weird."

The room was silent.

"I'll sleep on the couch," Alice said in a small voice.

I groaned. "Now is _not_ the time to let the world know you have a crush on my boyfriend!"

"I do not!"

"Really? Then why does your math notebook have his name on it with little hearts?"

She gasped. "Edward, that's not for math, that's my journal! You jerk!"

"Shut _up_," Jasper groaned. "What the hell's wrong with you two? You never argue."

"She blackmailed me!"

"He's friends with an airheaded _bitch_!"

"Mary Alice Cullen," Esme berated her coldly. "We do _not_ say words like that in this household. Apologize to your brother."

"What do my friends have anything to do with this?" I scoffed. "Ali, you're being ridiculous."

She huffed angrily. "Just sleep on the couch, Edward."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Now that _that's_ settled," Esme said pleasantly, "I'm leaving."

She snatched up her purse and walked out the front door, letting it slam shut.

"I think we pissed her off," I deadpanned.

Alice sighed. "Well, obviously," she muttered.

"What's wrong with you?" I snapped. "Since when do you try to fight with me? I thought we got over the sibling rivalry shit years ago."

"Nothing," she said stiffly.

"Are you mad at me?"

She crossed her arms. "No, it's not you, so stop worrying."

"Is it…Mom? Dad?" I was watching her eyes carefully, because they always gave away her lies, but so far there was no reaction. Maybe it wasn't family. "Your friends at school?" Nope. "Jessica?" Surprisingly, nothing. "Uh…Bella?"

Her eyes flickered, but she quickly neutralized her expression. I had her.

"C'mon, what'd Bella do? Was it at your birthday party? Just tell me. I swear I'll keep it to myself. I won't even tell Jasper." I glanced at him pointedly.

He put up his hands, as if to say,_ Alright, alright, _and left the room.

It seemed to work. Alice scowled and swept her black, uneven bangs off her forehead. "I'm just…kind of mad at her."

I hesitated. "Really?" That just seemed so out of place, for Bella to upset my sister.

She shifted uncomfortably. "Well…she didn't do it on purpose or anything…I mean, get me mad at her. It's just—she has a boyfriend now."

My brow furrowed. "Why does that…?"

She rolled her eyes impatiently. "She spends all her time with him. Notice how she's never over here anymore? Yeah. She's with Jacob now."

I immediately thought of the dog that Bella had just recently acquired, so that threw me for a loop. Alice must have noticed, because she laughed a little and said, "He's Quileute. I don't know how they met, but I think their dads are friends." Her hint of a smile vanished, and another scowl took its place, which deepened with every word she spoke. "I met him the other day and he seems like a conceited jerk with no brains, and his muscles are his only redeeming qualities."

My mind drew a blank. Was this Alice talking?

"Oh. Well…uh, I'm sure he's nice once you get to know him. Bella doesn't go for the type you just described. I don't…think."

"Well, she did," Alice huffed, throwing her arms up in exasperation. "They're just not right together."

"You said the same thing about Jessica and me," I pointed out. "I mean, even though we're not together, she was never really that bad."

"Beg to differ on that one."

"Whatever. Alice, you need to stop judging people so harshly. I don't even get why you're so…"

Something had just dawned on me. It might've been far-fetched, but it made so much sense, connecting it with her recent behavior…

"Are you _jealous_?"

She gasped indignantly. "No! Why would I be jealous? That doesn't even make sense, Edward. What the hell have you been smoking?"

Her defensiveness only convinced me even more. "Alice," I sighed, "she's seventeen, and seventeen year old girls will have boyfriends. She'll only ignore her friends at the beginning, and I'm sure it's not as bad as you think."

She scowled at the floor. "That's not it."

"Then…are you jealous that she has a boyfriend and you don't?" This was more difficult than I'd initially thought. What was I supposed to say to that? "You're still young—you don't need one. I mean, you _just_ turned fourteen, Ali."

Alice's jaw set, and her face reddened. "That's. Not. It." Her voice wavered, and I looked at her in shock.

This was really bothering her.

"You can talk to me about anything," I said softly. "You know that, right?"

She swallowed thickly and blinked away tears. "There's n-nothing wrong. I swear."

"Doesn't sound like it." I wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Did she get even tinier?

She took several deep breaths, probably trying to calm herself down, until she looked up at me. "If I tell you…you can't tell anyone else."

"I promise, Ali."

"You might understand," she mumbled. "But I don't think anyone else will."

Suspicions began to form, but they were too abstract to discern. Something only I could understand? That could be anything from music to schoolwork.

"I think I m-might…" She took in another rattling breath. "I think I…_like_ Bella. More than usual."

I stopped breathing.

Oh. _Oh_. Jealousy. This made sense.

My arm tightened around my sister, and I made sure to look her in the eye. "Why is that wrong?"

"It's not," she said quickly. "Really, it's fine."

I sighed. "You don't believe that, though. You're only saying that for my sake—so I don't get offended."

"Maybe," she said in a small voice.

"I'm not going to get offended," I assured her. "I understand where you're coming from."

"I just don't know," she said, sounding more helpless than I've ever heard her. "Because, I like boys too I think, like Jasper—sorry—and I'm not actually sure if…I just thought…"

"It's okay," I said. "You know what? I wouldn't even worry about it. You're confused right now. Maybe you'll know better when you know for sure." I smiled encouragingly.

"Okay," she said quietly. "Thanks…I guess."

"No problem. What are big brothers for?"

She just smiled a tiny, miserably smile, but I knew I'd done my job. At least for now.

* * *

Jasper had apparently been waiting in my room the whole time, sprawled out on my bed. I made to close my door, but he put his hand up.

"Wait. Don't close the door."

My eyebrows knitted together. "Why?"

"Your mom," he sighed. "She said the door has to be open at all times."

I frowned. "But we're not sharing this room. I got kicked out, remember?"

He smirked. "Yeah, that's pretty awesome isn't it?"

"Not really."

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, but I just think she wants to be sure you don't sneak in here at night."

"Oh." It was annoying, but it made sense.

"So what'd your sister want?"

Suddenly his gaze felt intruding. I shifted uncomfortably. "Nothing important."

"Liar."

I grimaced. "Seriously, I would tell you, but I _promised_ not to."

He looked slightly hurt, but it could've been my imagination. "Oh. Never mind, then."

"Thanks," I said earnestly. "She's fourteen, you know? Everything's a big deal, everything's a secret."

"Yeah," he agreed reluctantly. "She'll grow out of it, probably."

The hypocritical nature of that statement didn't strike me until much later that day.

* * *

**A/N:** _Okay, so the next chapter will most definitely be the last. lol. I'm glad I expanded it a bit more, if only to explain what's been going on with Alice this whole time. Reviews are appreciated! :)_


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